Riding the Wave-and Failing to Stay Afloat

Apologies go out to Maria today; via email, I told her that today would be the day I was going to post about that online community I have talked about, the one where I got forced out, and you know, I am trying. The beginnings of a post are there in draft form, but I am really struggling with getting it all together in a way that will make sense. It is coming, I promise; I have a really good idea about something in relation to this post, too, so we'll see if it pans out. I am not ignoring you, honey, I am really not!

On to other things. April and I have been talking some about emotions being waves, and the key to weathering them is learning how to ride it out. Well I tell you, I am having a really really hard time riding this emotional wave; seems like I am battling to stay on top of it, using all of my energy and considerable strength to keep my head above water, and all my thrashing about has done is make me really, really tired. I think for today I am just going to relax and float and let it carry me where it may. With hope, I will make it to shore.

Things on the home front have not been completely smooth the past few weeks; I know that part of it is that the kids are just settling in to the school routine and it is hard for them to make the transition, no matter how excited they are about school. Already the novelty has worn off and homework loads are increasing, and it just a difficult time. However, I can be as understanding as I want to be, but it certainly doesn't excuse bad behavior.

The most recent culprit is Eli, who is 14 and a half and is, well, he's a jerk. He has these chores-chores which he hates to do, which he grumbles about, which he does half-ass in the hopes that I will give up and just do it myself. Not so, little man, no so. I guess I am The Meanest Mom in the World, because I just make him do it over until her gets it right. So his most recent attempt at getting away with doing a crappy job involved sweeping everything off of the kitchen counter onto the floor, sweeping it up, and throwing it away. Which is all well and good save the fact that in the pile he threw away were these things: my bottle of antidepressants, a brand new package (unopened) of my good pens, the ones I use to write letters with, a $10 check from one of my survey sites, and all of the paperwork I needed to reapply for the Idaho Child Care program. I really, really tried to remain calm; I did. But the whole antidepressant thing is what kills me. I mean, what kind of kid just throws a bottle of pills away, a bottle of pills that he sees me open every morning and then place back on the counter? He has been looking for them for four days (meaning I have been out for four days), but finally confessed last night to having thrown them away (along with the above mentioned things). I was stunned. In addition to being stunned, I was and am furious. What the fuck? When asked for an explanation, his reply was that he was mad at me. So, you were mad at me, so you decided to punish ME by throwing away all of this stuff, including the pills that I really, really need. I can't call the doc and ask for another prescription because I get these free because I am poor-$160 a month for these is not something I can do. And I can't reorder for another three week, and they won't arrive until 6 weeks after THAT. The way they have it, I call to reorder when I have 6 weeks left, so I never run out. Anyway, this is the first time I have seen any kind of vindictive streak in Eli; even now, he doesn't seem to GET it. When I totally lost it and yelled, he just looked at me with this cold, calculating look, and then when I felt so overwhelmed and angry that I started crying, he just shrugged.his.shoulders. and walked away. Then later had the balls to tell me he needs new shorts, want to take Cross-Country again this year, AND needs his sports physical by Friday.

And then I go through the inevitable anger about having to do this alone. I am aware that I was overly sensitive last night anyway, but god, sometimes I would give my left arm to have someone in my corner backing me up. Though to some people the loss of antidepressants and paperwork is minor, to me and in my life, this is HUGE. Even more huge is Eli's blatant disregard for anyone's possessions other than his own, just to be mean. This isn't his usual mode, for sure, and I am at a loss as to how to deal with this. I feel so fucking angry that I have to do this on my own; even if I could call his dad and ask for backup, what I would get instead would be snide comments from the StepCunt about my already-questionable parenting abilities, while his dad would be all, "Oh, ha ha, boys will be boys." Yeah, fucker, whatever.

Aargh. So much for riding the wave and relaxing. I think it is time to stop for the day; perhaps tomorrow will be better, right?

PS: Blockbuster still has not returned my money. Can you believe that shit?

***Just like one of those infomercials: "But Wait! There's More!" When I went home for lunch, Eli's puppy had totally trashed the house. The two unopened packages of diapers opened and strewn all over the floor, the bathmat from the bathroom in the living room, my really nice Woolrich wool slippers that I haven't even had a chance to WEAR yet chewed up...see, the dog won't stay in the yard, but Eli spent all of his lawn mowing money on shit and therefore hasn't gotten her a collar with which she can be chained up. Then I had to go to the school and pick up a very, very ill Hannah; after dealing with no less than THREE assholes who work there but apparently spend more time beating off in the teachers lounge than actually working, I finally just walked down the hall and started opening doors; you can bet your ass that got their butts up off the chairs in a hurry: "An unauthorized person has entered the bulding!" There may be repercussions, but I frankly don't give shit. My daugher is sick, they would not stop their gossipfest long enough to call down to her classroom to give her permission to leave, I was going to find her. And about that: I am fairly sure she has a sinus and/or ear infection, she really is quite sick, but I have $50 which has to last until I get paid next Monday. She is the one of four kids with no insuracne; because her stupid dad refuses to take her off Washington Medicaid (and please don't ask me how he is getting away with it) because he has to sign a piece of paper agreeing that she lives with me full time, which nullifies his non-support order. So she can't be on Medicaid in Idaho, yet Washington won't pay for a visit out of state. Long story short, my kid is sick and I can't fix her, my 14 year old kid needs to be sent to Juvie, and I am out of drugs. Dude. This is sooome ride! ***