A To Do List

These are the things on my To-Do list for the day:

1. Go to the power company and see if I can cajole them into letting me not pay my bill until I get paid on the first. I have done this one other time in the past and they wouldn't let me, as it has to be paid before the next billing goes out, but I have to go try. Otherwise we are not going to have any power. Might not be a big deal, but if the kids go to school and tell people we don't have power, it is automatic grounds for CPS to get involved. And we all know that they wouldn't understand.

2. Ditto about the phone company; I think this one will be okay, I am current on my bill and I know they are pretty lenient about things. One time I simply forgot to pay for two months (it is a small bill, and therefore not one that is always on the forefront of my mind) and they finally just sent me a disconnect notice-and then when I went in to the office to make the payment, they laughed at me kindly and it was no big deal. Not that having the phone is actually going to do any good, you understand-I have a cordless which doesn't work with no electricity. Still, they need to know I won't be able to pay this until next month.

3. Call and cancel our spot in the class. When I called and found out more about it, the total cost ended up being $60 instead of $45. That, in addition to the added 25 miles of driving a week, is not going to fly. I am not going to say any more about that, because I will start crying.

4. Call my mom and ask her for a loan. This is the hardest thing, more than anyone can imagine. I have over the years of sobriety learned how to forgive and love my mom, and accept her the way she is. That said, we don't have what any "normal" person would call a good relationship. Calling my mom and asking her for money is right up there with willingly hoisting myself up to the gallows and tightening the noose around my own neck. she will loan me the money; in fact, she very well may just say, "I will give you the money as a gift," but she will make me pay. She is like one of those little yapping dogs who maybe don't come right out and bite a chunk out of your ass, but instead slowly nip and tear until the ankles are bloody and infected. This is a last resort for me, but one I don't really see any way around. In addition to the regular bills, there are groceries, diapers, Owen had GOT to have some new clothes. HAS to. He has two pairs of pants (that look like Capris, I might add), two wonderful little one-piece outfits that a friend sent me, and the rest is all summer stuff. I had planned on going shopping for him this weekend, but-well.

I know this is only a temporary thing; I know that the dumb ICCP stuff will be straightened out by next month. However, I also know that by having to make double payments next month is going to put me in another bad spot then month, another month of not quite knowing how I am going to make it. So I think I can reasonably expect to worry and feel like shit for the next two months, and then with hope it will go back to the way it was earlier. There are still things to be grateful for; I mean, if my friend in Seattle wasn't helping us through the wage garnishment, I would have hit this spot 6 months ago. At least I had a bit of a reprieve for awhile, right? There will be a reprieve again, I know, and the trick is holding on until then.

The thing that is the most wearisome about all of this is just when things start to be okay on the money horizon, something like this happens, and I am immediately thrust right back into the pit. That is how on edge we are all of the time. I might have a little bit of extra money on occasion to take the kids to McDonald's or buy some bras and underwear (thankfully I didn't take the tags off the bras yet; they are going back to Penney's), but even that has to be done with careful budgeting. Still, it was okay, and we managed.

I think that I might not be blogging for a little while. I hate the way I feel, and I hate myself for making this all some poor-Kori-has-such-a-shitty life thing. That isn't the case, and if you know me, you know that to be true, but it is where I am at right now. I can't find the good stuff to blog about, and I am tired of blogging about the bad, and really, I am just tired. So I will be around, and hell, I might change my mind and decide to blog 27 times a day, I don't know. I just know it doesn't change anything, and no, it really doesn't make me feel better. What would make me feel better is a gallon of whiskey and some Valium, which means I need a meeting. Badly. Winning the lottery would also make me feel better, but you know, can't waste the $$ on tickets.

Fuck. I sure hope Steve enjoys his new house. Not that any of this is his fault, but still.