Thursday, September 18, 2008

A To Do List

These are the things on my To-Do list for the day:

1. Go to the power company and see if I can cajole them into letting me not pay my bill until I get paid on the first. I have done this one other time in the past and they wouldn't let me, as it has to be paid before the next billing goes out, but I have to go try. Otherwise we are not going to have any power. Might not be a big deal, but if the kids go to school and tell people we don't have power, it is automatic grounds for CPS to get involved. And we all know that they wouldn't understand.

2. Ditto about the phone company; I think this one will be okay, I am current on my bill and I know they are pretty lenient about things. One time I simply forgot to pay for two months (it is a small bill, and therefore not one that is always on the forefront of my mind) and they finally just sent me a disconnect notice-and then when I went in to the office to make the payment, they laughed at me kindly and it was no big deal. Not that having the phone is actually going to do any good, you understand-I have a cordless which doesn't work with no electricity. Still, they need to know I won't be able to pay this until next month.

3. Call and cancel our spot in the class. When I called and found out more about it, the total cost ended up being $60 instead of $45. That, in addition to the added 25 miles of driving a week, is not going to fly. I am not going to say any more about that, because I will start crying.

4. Call my mom and ask her for a loan. This is the hardest thing, more than anyone can imagine. I have over the years of sobriety learned how to forgive and love my mom, and accept her the way she is. That said, we don't have what any "normal" person would call a good relationship. Calling my mom and asking her for money is right up there with willingly hoisting myself up to the gallows and tightening the noose around my own neck. she will loan me the money; in fact, she very well may just say, "I will give you the money as a gift," but she will make me pay. She is like one of those little yapping dogs who maybe don't come right out and bite a chunk out of your ass, but instead slowly nip and tear until the ankles are bloody and infected. This is a last resort for me, but one I don't really see any way around. In addition to the regular bills, there are groceries, diapers, Owen had GOT to have some new clothes. HAS to. He has two pairs of pants (that look like Capris, I might add), two wonderful little one-piece outfits that a friend sent me, and the rest is all summer stuff. I had planned on going shopping for him this weekend, but-well.

I know this is only a temporary thing; I know that the dumb ICCP stuff will be straightened out by next month. However, I also know that by having to make double payments next month is going to put me in another bad spot then month, another month of not quite knowing how I am going to make it. So I think I can reasonably expect to worry and feel like shit for the next two months, and then with hope it will go back to the way it was earlier. There are still things to be grateful for; I mean, if my friend in Seattle wasn't helping us through the wage garnishment, I would have hit this spot 6 months ago. At least I had a bit of a reprieve for awhile, right? There will be a reprieve again, I know, and the trick is holding on until then.

The thing that is the most wearisome about all of this is just when things start to be okay on the money horizon, something like this happens, and I am immediately thrust right back into the pit. That is how on edge we are all of the time. I might have a little bit of extra money on occasion to take the kids to McDonald's or buy some bras and underwear (thankfully I didn't take the tags off the bras yet; they are going back to Penney's), but even that has to be done with careful budgeting. Still, it was okay, and we managed.

I think that I might not be blogging for a little while. I hate the way I feel, and I hate myself for making this all some poor-Kori-has-such-a-shitty life thing. That isn't the case, and if you know me, you know that to be true, but it is where I am at right now. I can't find the good stuff to blog about, and I am tired of blogging about the bad, and really, I am just tired. So I will be around, and hell, I might change my mind and decide to blog 27 times a day, I don't know. I just know it doesn't change anything, and no, it really doesn't make me feel better. What would make me feel better is a gallon of whiskey and some Valium, which means I need a meeting. Badly. Winning the lottery would also make me feel better, but you know, can't waste the $$ on tickets.

Fuck. I sure hope Steve enjoys his new house. Not that any of this is his fault, but still.

18 comments:

Dave said...

God, in my heart of hearts I hope you step up and do what you have to do to survive.
Operate on instinct and auto pilot if you have to, remove all emotion from the equation.
When the opinion of others matters squat to you, then you will have grown a mile and become who you always wanted to be.
Do things for you and your family first!

MoziEsmé said...

Sounds like a bummer list. I'm so sorry . . .

Kori said...

Ya know I'm here for you if you need to talk, vent, cry whatever. You just let me know what I can do to help.

April said...

I love you.

Dingo said...

Kori, I don't even know what to say. I can't even imagine the amount of stress you are under right now. What I ask, though, is that you don't stop blogging. What I love about your blog is that while you post about the shitty things that are going on in your life, you never sound whiny or "poor me". I don't know how you do it. I've stopped reading other blogs because I just couldn't handle the "doesn't is suck to be me" attitude that permeated their posts. Your blog is different. While you are going through some pretty tough times right now, your spirit, strength, and goodness are always present.

I know that people telling you that it's going to get better must sometimes rub you the wrong way. Believe me, I know what it's like to be down and have people tell me that it's going to get better when it feels like it's just not. Then again, you seem to have such a positive attitude that even when things are not going well, you have this hope and belief in yourself that I really admire.

I'm rambling, aren't I? What I mean to say is, if you have to take some time, do so. But don't stop blogging because you think we're tired of hearing about it. We're not. We love you. We want to be here for you in any way we can.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

You know keep on blogging, it gets the stuff out there and helps me to realize how human we all are! Don't not blog, love yourself fiercely, and know that it's all a journey of progress. I'm here!
Love,
Gabi

Cheffie-Mom said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. (:

Immoral Matriarch said...

I hope your mom doesn't do that. I mean, maybe just this once?

pisceshanna said...

They way the economy is right now, I think CPS should just give it a rest already. I'm a month behind in my daycare bill, and luckily they are letting me hold off until next Friday when I get paid.
Ugh I think a loan from my mom may be in the future as well. Why did I decide to go to court now?

Good luck on the bills. I'm sure they've been getting lots of calls like that.

FreedomFirst said...

Don't stop blogging just because of us. If you do stop, let it be because YOU need a break.

I hope the electric company will cut you some slack. I know ours is very difficult to deal with.

Hey, if you do lose power, maybe you can at least get Steve to share his new house and its electric with you guys for a short time, so that CPS doesn't come snooping up your ass.

I'm sending you an email too.

Hugs. :)

Lynette said...

Don't stop blogging...This blog is all about you and what you're going through. I'm just here to lend my support.

I've always got an ear to listen, unless you're talking about vomit...or clowns.

goin-crazy said...

I wish I had some magic words for you. I am in the same boat. I hear a lot of "it cannot get any worse", yet it still does. I will not give you the standard answer that we both know is b.s.

You will get through this. I will get through this. We just will.

Anna-b-bonkers said...

Oh Kori, Once again I wish you were next door!

Can you please e-mail me, I want your address so I can send you real life mail.

Your mom sounds exactly like someone in our lives. Right down to the ankle biting till raw part.
It is worse that way I know but sometimes there is no other option.
I hope and pray the best for you my friend.
xoxo

Dave said...

and yes...please don't stop blogging!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I know what you mean about blogging sometimes creating a monster of yourself.

BUT... remember the good days, the times you get that perfect comment that cheers you up?

That's why it's worth it, I reckon.

Tara R. said...

I hate this for you.

Jennifer said...

Ugh--what a list! I hope you can convince those companies to give you an extension--wishing you luck!!

I understand wanting to take a break from blogging--then again--feel free to vent away if it helps!!

Having trouble posting--I apologize if this is a double!

sarah said...

Kori, I don't think you should stop blogging at all...each blog I read from you sounds like you're bearings are coming back more and more. Blogging isn't about what other people think or want to hear, its about YOU and your thoughts and ideas.

You are going through some seriously rough times. You can do this. YOU CAN.

your friends are here for you!