Friday, September 19, 2008

In Which I Say Thank You

After dinner on Wednesday night, I washed walls. I usually do it a couple of times a year, anyway, but haven't done it since I was pregnant with Owen over two years ago. Can you say eeeeew? But you all know where I was, emotionally and mentally, on Wednesday and Thursday, and you know, I just didn't want to yell at my kids. I was also feeling restless, irritable and discontent, and well as being Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. Those are for me, even after some years sober, MAJOR triggers; I am still SO vulnerable to alcohol, to the sweet, numbing effects of drinking large quantities-so when I get to the point where I was on Wednesday/Thursday, I really just need to stop and reevaluate. I am not AT ALL going to say that I am not worried about money or my kids or that they don't cause me stress, but at that moment, the most important thing for me to do was not drink. It is so scary sometimes to realize how easy it would be, how all it might take is a bad day; and yet, I have been given all of these tools in AA that when I use them, I don't drink.


So I took care of the most basic needs: I ate dinner, I called a friend from the program, I made sure to take some extra time with each of the kids, I called another friend from the program, and then I washed walls. It seems so silly, but it works for me. I cried while washing, but it felt cleansing (no pun intended). Steve came over to give Owen his bath and read to him, and I took the time to go outside and sit on the porch for 15 minutes before having to go back in and engage. And I made a conscious decision to stop fighting. Not meaning giving up, not at all, but accepting that this is life at this moment, and just because it sucks right now doesn't mean it is going to suck forever. And that I need to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing what I can do on a daily basis and things will fall into place. Or not. But the key for me is to focus on the things which are right in front of me, and trust that if I keep doing that, it is going to be okay-whatever "okay" ultimately looks like.

Through some creative financing (and thanks again to my friend Chuck, who certainly doesn't read my blog because he doesn't trust computers and I wouldn't want him to ANYWAY because he still thinks I am sweet and kind), between the $$ that he stuffed in my pocket last week, the returning of the bras, and Eli's mowing money (no, I did NOT borrow money from my kid; I TOOK it from him. He owes me the mowing money and any other $$ he earns for the foreseeable future), I was able to pay for the first half of the class last night and put gas in the car in order to make it to and from the class. I am grateful; above all else, this is what seemed the most important to me at this moment. I also spent a good part of the day yesterday (I posted in the early am, or rather scheduled the post I wrote on Wednesday evening to post early) making phone calls and trying to get things taken care of as best as I could. It is just a matter of getting through this next little while, and with the help of some people who would rather remain anonymous but know who they are, I will get through this next six weeks until everything gets back on track. Thankfully, I have not had to contact my mom, and with luck and careful management, I won't have to.

I want to rant and rave again about how crazy it is to still-at 36 years old!-be in a place where ONE major deviation from the budget is a tragedy, but I don't have the energy today. Instead, I am feeling tired and weepy but quiet inside. I don't have any answers; I know that I made certain choices a really long time ago that led me to this place, but the time for blame is long past. I also know that thing have been progressively getting better (I used to live on the edge like this ALL.THE.TIME. Literally). What can I be doing differently? I don't know. I can't pare the budget any closer; therefore, I think I just need to keep doing what I am doing. That pretty well sums it all up for me; this is where things are, and as long as I don't GIVE UP, they will get better.

I look around and see so many things going on and know that while money is and has been my biggest personal issue, we all have something. I was at that class last night (about which I will blog another day) and we are the only family who doesn't HAVE to be there; Eli might be in a terrible place right now, and I have no doubt that we are ALL going to learn from what this class has to offer, but neither his nor Hannah's behavior can be compared to that of the other kids. There was a group of kids who had absolutely NO respect for anyone in that room, including themselves. I was in a classroom later with the other parents, realizing that I was the ONLY single parent there and thinking that maybe I am not doing such a terrible job after all. I know and read blogs of other people who are struggling with family issues or health issues-terrible ones-and while it doesn't negate my own experience, neither does it mean I get to corner the market on pain and suffering.

I had a whole eloquent paragraph I wanted to write just then, but really, I just don't have it in me today. Just know that what you guys say-not just the blog folk who really ARE friends (and wow, how strange is that, really?) but my in-real-life friends-it does matter. It makes a difference. It makes me feel not so alone, not quite so crazy. And whether it is a financial way or otherwise, I simply cannot repay back those who have given me just what I need at the time when I need it. I hope to, at some point; to be a good friend, and a good support, and just be able to help.

18 comments:

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Can you do our walls?

;0)

I'm genuinely glad you have some good people around you.

You should be so very proud of what you've done so far.

goin-crazy said...

Friendship, like any other other relationship, is about give and take. As long as you are giving to make up for the taking, your friends will always be around.

Sometimes we are good friends and sometimes we need good friends.

FreedomFirst said...

I'm so glad it worked out for you to at least start the class. Sometimes just having that positive re-enforcement that you are doing all you can do, is enough to keep you sane. I'm glad you were able to catch a glimpse of just what a good parent you are, and I hope that Hannah and Eli will pick up on that as well.

Congratulations on staying sober for another night!

April said...

You really are doing a great job, hon. I love you. That is all.

THopgood said...

Can you send me your email?

Anna-b-bonkers said...

Kori, I just want to tell you that I love you! Every post you write moves me. You always seem to see things in a way that makes the big picture bigger, does that even make sense?

Your strength and will power blow me away and inspire me. The resolve that you have to keep plugging away despite all the crap that get's slung your way makes me admire you so much!

xoxo

JT said...

Go read my blog

Gabriella Moonlight said...

I am just so happy that you blog and I have the privlege and honor to read your words and to know that we are all human and it's all a journey, thank you for your inspiration and your thoughts!
G

pisceshanna said...

You had the same realization at your class that I had at the Divorce Seminar. I felt guilty for being selfish and thinking "at least I don't have to go through that" but it still gave me some damn good perspective.

Thanks for all your blog support too!

MoziEsmé said...

You're doing great! Just keep stepping forward - it will get better.

Dave said...

Your strength is contagious!

Laura said...

Sharing the ups and downs, not just friendships, but life. That is, perhaps, what it's all about.

You are incredibly strong to move yourself past your past addiction.

Ms. Single Mama said...

You go girl!

Yes, it could always be worse and single parents are amazing parents. I view the playing field as level. Sometimes in our favor because we are happy! We're not in miserable marriages anymore.

Jennifer said...

OMG Kori--I have never washed the walls--I feel really dirty now!

I'm so glad you were able to make it to the class! It sounds like things are looking up a little-I hope they continue to.

Susie said...

I would like my walls done... :)

Single parenting is NOT easy. You are doing an excellent job.

I hear you about the financial thing... sometimes life throws curves. I wish those struggles were behind me as well. You will make it through.

And rant all you want... after all, that is why we are all here. To support you in anyway we can.

Lynette said...

I think that you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I'm glad you're still hanging in, and if you ever need to clean something else... i got a mop with your name on it. (I hate cleaning my floors)

:)

Ronda's Rants said...

I am lucky to wash the floors...I guess I should start the walls now...Yuck!
You sound so smart girl! I know it sucks sometimes but like you said...it won't forever! This too shall pass...

The Crazy Princess said...

Wow. I'm really really impressed and honestly proud of you for fighting the urges to drink. As you've read in my blog, I have a drug problem, so I completely understand how hard it is and how certain things can just set it off. I also wanted to tell you that you are a strong woman. I've learned this from reading your posts. (And I'm sorry I don't comment or update my blog as much as I should.) You can do it. Just stay strong, stay with the program as well. It seems to help with things other than just drugs/alcohol, it helps with life.
I'm going to stop blabbing now. Just want to say.. I LOVE reading your blog!