Most of the day, my little "Create Post" window has been lurking around my PC screen. I have started to write something, then stopped and deleted, started all over again, and then just left it alone. This is what I have so far, after 7 hours. Impressive, isn't it?
So. I am sitting at my desk eating Dove chocolates, feeling a variety of different things, but none of them are forming into any kind of cohesive thought. There are a few good things that have happened, which somewhat balance out the less positive things that are going on, and somehow I am managing to simply get up in the morning, put one foot in front of me, and get through the day. It isn't a depression I am feeling, it is simply a matter of taking care of those things which need to be taken care of, and trying hard to simply let the rest go.
I think there are times when things just simply become too much to cope with, and therefore there comes a period of internal quiet; I don't know how to describe it other than that. It isn't depression, it isn't craziness, it is simply that there are things being worked out, both internally and externally, and I have really done all I can do right this moment. I do not believe in the old credo "There is ALWAYS more you can do," because when I fall prey to that attitude, I either run in circles or end up banging my head against a wall because I have tried to force an issue that simply won't be forced.
I have made a great effort in the last few days to be more aware of the good, too, and the beauty. On Saturday, the three older kids went to the City of Rocks with my friend Janet, and I was able to spend the better part of the day with Owen; that rarely happens. It was marred by a fight of sorts with Steve, but I was able to successfully deflect his issues back on to him and not take them onto myself; that is a sign that even though I have been feeling nutso, I have not forgotten everything I know, and is in fact something to celebrate. I actually got an apology from him as well, which is something close to miraculous. Later, I made soup and homemade noodles, and there is something very therapeutic about kneading, rolling, and cutting dough. The kids came home tired and damp and chilled, and we were able to have a basically good evening at home together.
On Sunday afternoon, we went back to Freddy's Pond to let the dogs run again; the light was beautiful so I got an opportunity to take some photos of the kids in a tree I really love, so that was fun, too. I like being there; I like that there is all of this room to run, there are frogs for the boys to try to catch and geese for the dogs to chase. Eli had a kite he was attempting to do tricks with like in The Kite Runner, and Owen spent a lot of time pulling the reeds along the water apart to hear that "pop" sound. I said "For Shiz" at some point, and Hannah about fell over laughing; apparently I am too old and not cool enough to say that phrase.
So these are the things that keep me going. Like I said, I am not depressed, I am not feeling crazy, I am just here, sitting quietly and waiting for all of the balls that have started rolling to carry us-me-forward. Thanks to all of you for rolling right along with me.