On The Edge-AGAIN

This is what happens when I am off the anti-depressants; I just feel crazy, I have a hair-trigger temper, and my emotions are all over the board. I was doing pretty good there, had them in my system and was feeling pretty much on an even keel. Now I have gone through the withdrawals and am right back to square one. I don't know-it somehow seems worse than it was before, because I am more aware of how I am feeling as opposed to just thinking it is all hormonal. I just can't seem to cope with the things going on, can't take things in stride, and I hate that.

This is my pattern, as any reader must know by now; I do okay for awhile, but then I come crashing down into that abyss. That is a pretty typical pattern for anyone, I think, but for me, every time I come crashing back down, I feel just a little closer to the edge.

I want to go back home and go to bed, or just sit here and cry. For some reason the stupid people at the Idaho Child Care Program are really screwing up these last couple of months, and for whatever reason, they aren't going to pay my childcare this month. I have been in the ICCP program for six years and have never once had a problem with the re-certifying; it is just a matter of faxing in pay stubs and giving basic information. So I did that in July, heard nothing, assumed that it went through-just like it has for the past six years. Just found out last week that they hadn't made a payment, so J. called to find out what was going on and they said they never received my stuff. Fine; I sent in everything again last week, in addition to emailing them about it, and they still haven't paid. So today I have to take the majority of my check over to J. because she can't carry me until they decide they are going to get their shit together-which leaves me with about $40 and I won't be able to pay my power, phone bill, or any of those other silly things like groceries. Basically, I am fucked. And don't know what I am going to do about it. With any kind of luck, they will get their crap together and send in a payment, but it isn't going to help me with this money-she legally cannot give me back my money, but instead can just give me a credit-which, of course, I won't NEED once they straighten it all out. I understand that sometimes things happen, but when said "things" don't get resolved in a timely manner, those "things" directly affect my ability to take care of my kids.

I am also struggling with something so petty, so ridiculous, that I am almost embarrassed to admit it. But in talking to Steve last night, he was telling me about this really great two bedroom house he found to rent, it has new carpets and cupboards and new appliances and it is on a dead end street...on and on and on, and I wish I could say that I don't begrudge him a better home, I DO. I was thinking about looking, as I do every year at about this time, for a bigger house, and I can't find one I can afford. Not even CLOSE. So I look at him living this carefree life with no real responsibilities, and he gets all the good stuff. In the meantime, I live in this little tiny two bedroom piece of shit house, where you have to be careful about which sockets you plug things into and there is mold growing in both bedrooms and it is like the Joad's, I swear to god. And for the foreseeable future, I am stuck here. Totally and completely stuck. So yeah, I know this is MY issue, I know that I am being unreasonable and I also know that envy is a terrible, terrible thing, but it doesn't change the way I feel. It is just so hard sometimes-a lot of the time- to be punished for being the responsible adult. And that is exactly how it feels.

I hate that just when I think things are maybe going to be better, slowly but surely, something happens that reminds me that it really isn't. And yeah, yeah, I know, I know, live in the moment and be glad you have the kids and you really have a good life-I don't need the lectures, I know very well that I have a lot of really great things going on. However, it seems like I just can't keep my head even above water, and slowly and surely, more bad things happen than good, and it is harder and harder to keep that positive outlook, harder and harder to pull myself out of the pit. And yes, this too shall pass in time; what worries me is that my ability to continue to cope and be strong and, yes, happy is getting harder and harder to find every time this kind of stuff happens.

So easy to say "It's only money," and equally easy to say that "Money doesn't buy happiness." The only people I know who believe that are people who don't have to worry about it on a daily basis, people who can weather these kinds of financial setbacks with relative ease. I am not one of them. I am now wishing I hadn't spend money on two new bras and underwear on Monday, because now that money could sure be used to buy milk and bread for the next two weeks. I knew when I bought them that I shouldn't, but I justified it by telling myself that I haven't bought new underwear since before I had Owen, and the only decent bra that I have was given to me by someone else-and that is true, but there wasn't any reason I had to have them right then. I just had a little bit extra, and thought it would be nice to have something new. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Ah. Another day. I hope that blogging about it helps; it is only Wednesday, and I have a very full three days of work left, as well as a bunch of different stuff going on at home. It isn't an option for this to be the one thing that pushes me over the edge again; I just don't know how to keep it from happening. Maybe Patrick has some ideas; I might go on over to his blog and ask.