Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
And boy, my little mantras haven't been working well today when it comes to things getting dicey in my head. I have been having trouble with three different blogs not "getting" my comments; I would post, and they would just disappear. So I was somehow sure that all three of these women whom I love to read were getting together behind my back and had decided to blackball me from commenting. You know, because that makes so much sense. Again, April set me straight there, too, by telling me to just email them and let them know. Hm. Novel idea.
So. I have been messing around with my play list today, and I only have a few more songs to add before I get all 100 on there; I don't HAVE to have that many, but I somehow like the number. I have also been debating about whether or not to update my blog roll; I have seen a few others do it, and when I look at my reader and then the list, I realize that they are not, in fact, the same. Guess I should get going on that. Not because I care, mind you, but I know that somewhere there is ONE OTHER PERSON who is as fucked up as I am and will look at my list and think, "hm, I wonder why I am not on there?"
Fess up. You know it's true; there are others like me out there.
And last, a huge thank you goes out to BusyDad; apparently I won a Snapfish gift card for commenting on his Mother's Day post. He emailed me to let me know I won, and I guess he mailed it right after he got the address because I got it yesterday. That is some good service, and I am thrilled to have won. I love Snapfish, too, use them all of the time, so even better.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
So now. Quite some time ago, April tagged me for a six word meme. Six. Words. I have to tell you, April, that I have not been ignoring you, but six words? Please. When have you ever known me to stop at six words when describing anything, much less myself? So all this time, when you thought I was ignoring you or had forgotten, this little challenge has been floating around in the back of my head, popping up at these very odd moments. I would think I had something just perfect, but then alas, too many words by one, or not enough...I don't know, panache? Something, I don't know. But I couldn't think in terms of six.
Last night, though, after yet one more incident involving panic and insecurity, one of those times where I was just sure that I can never measure up and that this is my life, it hit me. And I let it go, really, thinking "Okay, well, if I still remember it tomorrow, maybe..."
This morning? Yep. Still there. Loud and clear. It describes me right this moment, and it also destined to become my personal mantra when things start getting dicey in my head again.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
To pinpoint a few: The Pixies. You guys remember them? The one song, "Here Comes Your Man" was on the first album by them that I ever heard. It was given to me by my friend J. (of the horny bear fame, you can see an earlier post if you don't know the story), handed over in our French class, and I went home and heard this song. Alone in my room, I listened to it, and felt, in that young teenaged naivete, that somehow J. was trying to tell me something. I cringe as I think about it now, but that is how it felt then.
There there is Exile; "I Want to Kiss You All Over." I lived on the Air Force Academy, second grade, and this song used to come on every single morning on our way to school. It was the first time I ever "got" that it was a slightly naughty song. There is a smell associated with this one, too: little yellow flowers that smell like cinnamon, wafting through the open windows of the car.
Tool: "The Pot" I love the bass. I saw this group in concert in December and I was totally floored. You need a really good stereo system, with a lot of bass, to get the full effect, but just listen. If you are AT ALL a music aficionado, you have to at least appreciate the talent, if not love the music. For me, it is both. At the concert, which was the most awe-inspiring event I have been to, I felt the music in my bones. This song in particular. And then Steve and I went to Taco Bell at midnight, went back to the hotel and ate and had excellent sex. All part of the memory.
I could go through every song on the list and have something to tell you about them, but I won't do that to you. What I AM going to do is ask you to go through. Pick one song to listen to. Just one, on either list, and then tell me what you think. Each one of them will tell you more about me than any meme would, or ten posts. Come on-it'll be fun.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
What I was Doing Ten Years Ago: Let's see. 1998. Ten years ago I was still drinking perhaps more than was good for me, so I would imagine that whatever it was, it had something to do with alcohol. I was also married to Husband Number Two, who was using drugs perhaps more than was good for HIM. We worked on a ranch, and I also worked as a Ward Clerk/CNA for the local hospital, plus had a part-time job tending bar. Hannah and Eli were 5 and 4 respectively, just turning into little people instead of toddlers. Hannah started Kindergarten, but Eli started off his educational career by being too smart for pre-school. That was the year I got pregnant after 13 months of trying-Clomid helped out. Ten years ago I will still naive enough to think that if I loved my husband enough, he would get better, still naive enough to believe that life would work out just because I wanted it to, as if sheer will were enough.
Five Snacks I enjoy:
2. BBQ Corn Nuts
3. Peanut M & M's
4. Mint Three Musketeers
5. Trader Joe's Triple Ginger Gingersnaps
Five Things on My To Do List Today:
1.Take a shower.
2.Change out of my pajamas.
3.Go buy smokes.
Come on, on a Saturday of a three day weekend? Please!
Five Things I Would Do If I Were a Billionaire:
1.Buy April a house.
2.Buy myself a house.
3.Set up my Jones-McCaffery Foundation for Single Mothers, which would provide help for, you got it, single moms. There would be a lengthy application process, because even though I would WANT to, I wouldn't be able to help every single one, and I would also have to weed out the freaks. And I would pick maybe ten per year, but each "award" would be different based on that particular individual's needs.
4.Oh, God, luxury: Buy a freezer and totally fill it with food. TOTALLY. And as part of that, I would throw away-not even donate but flat CHUCK-every single package of Top Ramen and Macaroni and Cheese. Never again.
5.And then I would go buy this picture from Anna over at Borderline Bonkers, or beg her to paint a similar one.
Five Jobs I Have Had:
2. Calf Feeder at a dairy
4. Greens keeper at a golf course
5. Insurance Agent (current).
Five of My Bad Habits:
1. I take everything personally; in a bad mood? Surely must be my fault. Don't comment on my new shirt? It must be ugly. Don't call me when you say you are going to? You are a bitch. It's all about me, in a bad way. 2.Like Jillian, I also bite my nails compulsively. To the quick. I don't bite the skin, though, just the nails, to the quick.
3. I have recently discovered that I can be very vindictive. Threaten or hurt my kids? You are so busted. I don't like this new discovery about myself, either.
4.I am capable of hurting people I love with my words. I have never physically abused my kids, but I have yelled to the point of a sore throat. I have also used my tongue as the sharpest weapon imaginable, and almost instantly regret it when I lose control.
5.I throw all my mail on the kitchen table, opened or not, and then get mad because the table is always covered up with papers and shit.
Five places I have lived:
2. Colorado Springs, Colorado
3.Columbia, South Carolina
I am supposed to list five people I would like to get to know better, but I can't stand the pressure, really. So if you want to play along, please do; I would be honored!
Friday, May 23, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
I looked like the above photo when I found out I was pregnant; sad, and scared, but far less cute. I cried. A lot. And tried to figure out how (simple biology aside) this had happened. I was on the pill. I wasn't in love with this guy, though I thought he was cute and we were friends and I wouldn't have minded hanging out with him and seeing what might happen. but then THIS happened, and everything changed. Overnight, I went from being the mother of three kids in school, which meant more freedom and more LOTS of things, to puking all day, to arguing with Steve about just whose fault it was.
It took me a long time to become resigned to the addition of a baby to our family. For personal reasons, abortion nor adoption were options, so what was left but to have him, and find a way to be happy? Even so, I went through a really hard time after he was born. I was diagnosed with post-partum depression after I couldn't stop crying; I would cry all the way to work, then suck it up until time to go pump my milk, and lock myself in the bathroom with the milking machine hooked up and cry again. It was all I could do to get out of bed in the mornings, and everything was just so HARD. Over time, with drugs and therapy and a lot of support, I got better, and I fell in love with him.
Our story-Steve and I's-is similar to BusyDad's, without the happy ending. We are not together now, which breaks my heart every day. I loved him then, I love him even more now, but there you go. Sometimes life just turns out that way, right?
Now? It isn't anybody's fault. I can love Owen with every particle of my heart, even though I am not supposed to love his dad. And I love this kid. I love his sweet face, and his laugh, and the happiness that he has brought to me and my family. I love all of the lessons being an older parent has taught me, and I love knowing that no matter how hard it is sometimes to be in this alone, this little guy deserves and needs to be here. He has added more to my life than I ever thought possible. He has brought out the good in me in ways that have benefited all of my kids; he has made me a better parent, a kinder person, a more enlightened human being. I am so blessed in him that words don't EVEN come close, so I will end by saying again, Happy Second Birthday; I am so grateful you are here!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
To the asshole who put the beer bottle underneath my tire: Thanks so much. My dryer is broken, and I was hoping to be able to get it fixed. Instead, I had to get a new tire. That is really, really thoughtful, and I hope you feel well-pleased with your juvenile behavior. You accomplished so much by pissing me off; really. You should be proud of yourself, that doing something like that makes you feel like your dick grew ten inches overnight. Just an FYI here: I don't have the drug money that my ex-husband took from you, nor do I have the drugs, and the last I heard, he lives somewhere in Nevada with the hooch who helped him steal your stash. Leave me and mine alone. Oh, and if you DO find him, please let him know that he owes me $16,000, will ya?
To the man who thought I was being nice when I stopped at the intersection and let him through: I wasn't being nice. You have your insurance with us, and I know how many accidents you have on your record. I am not nice, I am afraid. Really.
To the woman who cried with me last night: If I could make this better or easier for you, I would. I don't understand why you stay with him after what he has done, but I love you anyway. And I can't imagine being confronted with the physical evidence of his infidelity on a regular basis, but I do what it feels like to have been betrayed. I can't fix it for you, but I can maybe help you get through it. Also, thank you for being a person whom I could talk to and say, "I suck at being a single parent and I need some help." I did not know that about you, and I am glad for the opportunity to see you for who you are, not what your life looks like.
To Philip Morris and Juan Valdez: Thank you for cigarettes and coffee I wouldn't make it through my day without either of them, and frankly, I don't think I would want to try. Silly to wax rhapsodic over nicotine and caffeine, but there are few things in life better than the first cig and the first cup of coffee of the day; preferably taken together.
See, the thing is, if I don't laugh about some of this stuff, I will cry. Yesterday, we had a freak cloudburst, the rain falling in sheets and the gutters running over within moments, and I found myself NOT enjoying the way the air smelled, or the fresh, glittering look of the world, but instead thinking,"Well shit, the clothes I had on the line are going to have to be rewashed, and since the dryer is broke I can't hang more out tonight, and the laundry pile is getting out of control..." which is just insane. God is in the details, in the small things, and I have been focusing so much on the big things that I have been missing out. I am trying to change the attitude a little bit, make light of some of the things over which I have no control, be grateful for the love and support I get form people and also rejoice in the opportunity to do the same. So today is going to be as good a day as I can make it, and we'll see what happens.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
But you know, I am all right, and it is kind of funny. In a sick kind of way. There are blisters, or were before they popped and oozed and caused my pajama pants to stick to them...and it hurts like hell but is way better today than yesterday (I credit Lavender Essential Oils for the quick healing; it truly is remarkable how well that stuff works). And I am so sick that I actually thought, "Hm, I wonder if there is a way I can take a somewhat tasteful photo of this and post it on my blog?" Yep. Sick. But no worries, you will all be spared that sight. And if you have any ideas about what exactly it is that God is trying to tell me, please let me know.
That said, I am better in lots of ways today than I have been. Nothing in my life has changed, but I am on a much more even keel, feeling much more at peace than I have in quite some time. I think-no, I know-that part of my angst and emotional turmoil comes from feeling like I am responsible for everyone else's emotions/feelings/actions in addition to my own, and I have been consciously trying to give those things back to the person to whom they belong. Not generally verbally, but symbolically (although with the kids, it tends to be verbal: as in, "Sam, I am so sorry that you still can't find the Scout book that you were supposed to put in a safe place and therefore can't finish the work to get your badge. However, I am not responsible for your having lost it and I am not going to buy you another one."), and it helps. It also helps to write my problems/issues/concerns down and put them into my little God Box, symbolically letting God take care of them because when I try, I just fuck them up. I have long since proven that when I try to run my own life, I get myself in trouble, but every now and again I forget that and try to assume that I know how to handle things a lot better than I really do. And then I go crazy.
So today, I am okay. A little worse for the wear physically, but WAY better emotionally. And I felt so bad for so long that I am really, really grateful for feeling so much better. Life is good today, and maybe today is all that matters.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
I think I should rethink my life's work; surely, surely, I could be a beauty queen of some sort, as is indicated in the below photo (I am, of course, the one vamping on the big ottoman thingy)? This is me and my friends after the birthday dinner C. and D. had for me while I was in Seattle. I am laying down for two reasons: They are all at least 6 inches taller than me, four of the five considerably more than that, and I didn't want to look even shorter than I really am. Like, midget-sized. And I ate so much dinner that I really didn't feel like I could support the extra weight any longer; I needed to rest. Really.
is the place where C. and I went shopping; isn't is beautiful? This was at University Village, which is (obviously) by the University of Washington. I love the way the rain made everything look so clean and new and fresh. There was this one store called Restoration Hardware that I absolutely loved. Although they did not have candlestick holders, they did have this chair, which would look really excellent under the painting I was posting about yesterday. Which Ican't link to. And I don't know why. And this one has to be one of my all time favorite pictures. Can you tell whom I am voting for?
I have more where this came from, but am not good enough at the whole adding images thing to do them justice; perhaps I will have to do these in installments.
Monday, May 12, 2008
I want to send a big thank you out to Jim over at BusyDad; when I got to work this morning I had some correspondence from him that fit just what I needed at that moment. So thanks, Jim, for the words of encouragement. It meant a lot to me. 'Nuff said.
And I wanted to go into this rant about Mother's Day and all of that crap, but I won't, because it really just doesn't matter. For the first time in 15 years of being a Mother, I got gifts from my kids that were NOT HANDMADE AT SCHOOL, because Hannah is old enough now to take some initiative. And took her babysitting money to get me some things, and I came home from an overnight deal to a clean house and yard. So, it helped, a lot. I took a nap. Cried most of the afternoon, but was also productive by weeding out the flower bed and talking on the phone and smoking while I was crying. And then we went to a dinner thing at Steve's mom's house. I felt marginally better that HE didn't even acknowledge it becuase he pissed and moaned about having to sign the car I got for his mother. HIS mother.
I know it is strange that I write about Steve, and we obviously do things together still, yet still consider myself single; if you want to know, I will tell all. Or not. But yeah, it is strange, I will be the first to admit it.
Rambling a little today, but I had to go home early and spend most of the day at home with a sick kid, and by some strange turn of events, found out that the dog had her puppies. Talk about odd. See, I had to go to work early since I had to go home early to be with The Boy, so we were all in a hurry this morning and din't go out to check on the dog. I came home and gave The Boy his drugs (so I could nap), then heard the dog out barking like mad. Since she usually reserves her barking for around 11 p.m. I thought I should look to see what the hell was going on. Peered out the window and she had gotten herself all tangled up in her tie out, but was sort on lunging toward this hole and barking, barking, barking. I thought maybe a snake had gotten under her house or seomthing, so went out with a shovel (because, you know, I am handy like that) to find: four puppies in the hole. Apparently she had been just tangled enough that she couldn't make it into her house to have them, so made an existing dip in the groun bigger and popped them out. However, at some later point, she got herself even MORE tangled up and couldn't get back to them. Isn't it strange how that worked out? Because if The Boy hadn't gotten sick, I wouldn't have been home, and it got hot today; puppies would not have made it out in the sun with no shade and no mama.
The dog actually licked me in happiness, which is a first. And then promptly went into her house and plopped out two more. Six. Puppies. Fuck.
And that was my Monday. Let's hope that tomorrow is more normal, okay? Considering I am on the edge and all...
Friday, May 9, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it.
Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed at him
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad when he cried for him to do it.
Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed or even talked
And the girl around the corner wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly
That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.
-- Taken from The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky (and written by a man called Dr. Earl Reum)
***And no, folks, I am not about to go do myself in***
This is just amazing, and because I am a dork like that, my whole life just got better because I read a book that I love.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
So I went into that little Orkut thing offered by Google, and put some basic information in my profile. Then I went to the search option and Holy Hell, you would SO not believe some of the people on there! I saw penises galore (and one of them looked like it had to hurt him just to carry it around; no way would THAT ever get near me!), and men from other countries, and all sorts of odd ducks; all the while, I was thinking, "Oh, honey, maybe posting your photo isn't the best way for you to get a date," or things of that ilk.
But the BEST: I went into Craigslist (a note of caution: make sure you type that in correctly! If you forget the "s"after Craig, a porn site pops up) on her advice to check out the guys in HER area, and there was this totally great ad. The headline said, 'Must be under 300 lbs!" I don't know why, exactly, that made me laugh so hard, but really, what happened to the poor man to make THAT his criteria? So if someone 299 lbs. responded, he would still give her the old college try? What about 301 lbs; is that an automatic scratch? It is funny to ME, but I have a certain amount of sympathy for the guy.
At the end of the day, though, I remembered that I don't like to date. In fact, I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate the first date/first dinner/first kiss thing. I hate the idea of trying to sell myself well enough that someone wants to go out with me. I just-well, in case you hadn't gotten the drift, I hate it. Before I met Steve, I dated some, and I really suck at it. I don't do casual sex. I refuse to order a salad in order to impress a guy with my small appetite; for one thing, look at my ass-does it LOOK like I eat a lot of salad? Also, really, if I am going out somewhere for dinner, I am SO not going to waste the experience on a salad-bring on the bloody meat. I also am not willing to sit through one more uninteresting manly-type flick like "Die Hard." Just so not into it, and why pretend? Nor am I going to fall for the candlelight dinner by the water (if we had any here, which we don't. But you know what I mean), or the "I LOVE kids! Let's have a picnic at the park with them!" guy. Really, if you are THAT enthusiastic about spending time with my kids, you are probably a pedophile and I don't want to date you either.
All of this leads me to believe, then, that I am just not ready. If I were ready, there wouldn't be so many specifications (although I am thinking if I ever DO feel ready, I am so going to steal that guy's "under 300 lbs." line). I wouldn't be able to find so many reasons why I hate the whole idea, and I would certainly be more open and, I hope, less judgemental. So for now, ix nay on the dating thing.
And right now, I just can't see myself in a position of wanting to date. See, another big surprise, but I don't like men very much. No, wait, that isn't true, I LOVE men, and know some really great ones, but I don't especially trust men. I swore after my ex left me that I wouldn't ever open up my life to someone again, but then I met Steve, and I got pregnant, and thought I would give him a chance; and in doing so, fell in love hard. Opened myself up to feeling things I have literally NEVER felt before, and then I got totally trampled on. So no, I can't see myself ever allowing myself to get there again. I still love Steve, even when I know it isn't going anywhere, even though I know there are a lot of valid reasons why I couldn't be with him even if he wanted to be with me, which at this point he doesn't. But knowing that I am making decisions based on what is best for me and my kids doesn't make it any easier, nor does it make the pain any less. And I don't want to go on dates to try to make me "get over him." I have tried the rebound relationship thing in the past, and it has just caused more problems.
However, I don't think I am going to be able to resist peeking through the ads now and again; I am just amazed and stunned and amused (and in some cases, afraid) at how crazy some people are, and for some reason, I want to see more of THAT. Just like a car wreck, dude-I can't keep driving by without slowing down to look at least once!