Monday, June 15, 2009
So head on over to the new place. Wander around, check it out. I hope you love it almost as much as I do, and I hope you will all continue along with me on this journey called life.
**In actuality, blogger has been a really great place for me to get my feet wet; they have served me well, it's just time to move forward.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Story of my life. I mean, really. I have the opposite of the Midas Touch, meaning everything I touch turns into shit instead of gold (and bonus points and undying respect to anyone who knows the book in which I found that!) Which really isn't true, you know, far from it, but that is how it feels sometimes. And those of you who are regular readers have been privy to a lot of really odd and sometimes terrible events in my life over the last year. It had been a journey, all of it, and in looking back, I can see how much I have learned, and changed, and I hope grown. So why is it so hard to trust that same process now?
It feels like my life is changing again, on a variety of levels. The stress and anger and fear with regards to CF has begun to abate, and while his imminent guilty plea is a good thing, it has also brought up some really conflicting feelings in me. These, I have to deal with, simply because I have no control over the outcome; I never have, of course, but I have been able to mask some of the feelings brought forth by this simply by focusing on what needed to be done and DOING it. Now the time has come to start sorting through all of the different layers of emotions, and move forward with healing for Hannah, for me, for my family. This is a good thing, no doubt-but requires me to resolve some deep-seated issues that I would much prefer to keep buried, thankyouverymuch. Not really, but digging up the past and re-burying it in a more more pleasant and peaceful resting place is hard work, and I am not sure that I am up to the task. This is where trusting the journey really starts coming in to play; trusting that every step I need to take is going to be made known to me, even when it seems really dark and uncertain.
I am also beginning down a different road in other ways, treading a path I never thought to walk again. It is different this time, I am different this time, but that doesn't stop me from being terrified. I have been down this road before and it led only to heartbreak; can I do this again, holding onto all that I have learned and letting go of past hurts and disappointments? I don't know the answer to that, so again, I have to trust the journey. Trust the process.
Trust. If I believe in a loving God, which most of the time I do (unless I am pissed off and yelling at him, but even then I know he is there), why is it so hard to trust that I will be given what I need just when I need it? Time and time again, over and over, he has provided me with either the tools or the instruction book or a handyman who totally knows the ropes in order to get to the next step. Every.Single.Time. And yet every time in my life where I am faced with uncertainty or fear, I fail to believe that he will do it again. Talk about a major character defect, this obsessive need I have to be in control! And it isn't even that so much as it is that I don't trust that good things will happen to me. I really and truly don't. Rationally, I know that I am worthy of love, that I am capable of loving, that I have the potential to do great things; at the same time, so much of my life has been, well, NOT like that, that is hard for me to trust that this time things are going to be different. To trust that in my heart of hearts I know what I am doing, that God gave me this heart, this mind, this body to use.
I can do this. I can take each step necessary to move forward, in relation to everything that is changing in my life. I can; I have found reservoirs of strength and power I never knew existed in the last year, and I have found that I can be gentle and forgiving with my love instead of using it as a weapon. I have found that I am weak and needy, but that when I let myself, I can have friends who will left me up during those times. I have found, too, that it hurts a lot more to carry around anger and bitterness than it does to take risks with a fragile heart; love is so much lighter. I have found a power inside myself that no longer scares me because I don't have to use it to batter my way through life, but can instead use it the way I am supposed to-to keep moving forward.
And I trust (today at least) that even when the days of doubt and fear and self-loathing and despair arrive-because they are inevitable, part of this thing called life-well, I just trust that they will pass. I trust that I will then be given all I need to see it through and keep getting up to face each day as it comes. I trust the friends that I have-April and Jacquie, Steve and Rob (who called me from TENNESSEE last night on vacation to make sure that Hannah and I were okay), Janet and Camille, and all of you Internet people who are as good of friends as anyone could hope to have in real life AND online-to be there to lift me up when the dark days arrive. To see me through, just like they all have this past year.
Trust the journey. Trust the process. I am on my way.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Not so, my friends, not so. He offered to plea guilty to one felony count Lewd and Lascivious. This carried up to life in prison, but of course part of the deal involved getting as little jail time as possible. They initially proposed probation only, but the prosecutor said,"No, that just isn't going to work." They hammered out some details and this is what we are left with: 120 days in county with no credit for time served (he will most likely get work release) and treatment in whatever sex offender program is deemed necessary by the court, felony probation (which for sex offenders is usually really quite strict). He will have to register as a sex offender, obviously. I had asked for a couple of stipulations, not knowing how it worked; I had asked that the Protective Order be required until Hannah is 18, and J. said,"Oh, no, that will stay in place until he is off probation." So that is good news. My personal request was that he also not be allowed to attend Rupert AA meetings, and J. was very funny and kind when he said, "Oh, well, that isn't usual but I am sure it can be arranged."
So. This is where we are. We go on the 22nd to a hearing where he will change the plea; I am going to make sure Hannah is there, because I think it is really important for her to be able to hear him say out loud, in court, "Guilty." Sentencing will not occur for another 8-12 weeks after that, which means his house arrest will stay in effect until then, and during that time there will be the Pre-Sentence Investigation. So in approximately three months or so, there will be a sentencing hearing; at that point, Hannah and I will get to give our Victim's Impact Statements as well.
It isn't perfect; there are a whole lot of other emotions involved in this that I don't want to get into right now, though I will in time. However, for this moment, this day, I am simply going to enjoy the relief that has come from knowing that Hannah is not going to have to testify, and that CF is going to have to publicly say, out loud, "I did this." That? Is sweet.
Monday, June 8, 2009
I don't talk about the Octo-Mom simply because I don't give a shit, but I recently got sucked into an online debate about it. I have my opinion, you see, and expressed it. And then I got a reply where this woman was all like, "You are WRONG. Blah fuckety blah, I am going to use all these big words to prove to you that you are wrong because this woman is the devil and blah fuckety blah...." I had to laugh. It is my opinion; how can my opinion be WRONG? So that was the extent of my involvement in this debate. Meh, whatever. For the record, I don't think it is my business how many kids anyone has, or even how they got here. If it is okay for the Duggars or Duggans or whatever their name is, or the Jon and Kate whoever, to have as many kids as they want, then it is okay for everyone. Again, my opinion. I just don't see the point in getting all worked up over stuff that really doesn't make a bit of difference in the greater scheme of things.
There have been some big changes going on at our house this last week, and I think they are good changes but still, changes. I am working really, really hard at simply letting go of control yet again, trying to overcome a lot of my own personal fears and simply trust, but damn, it is SO hard. Just-really hard to adjust to whole new set of circumstances. Keep me and mine in your thoughts.
Despite having told several different people from the LDS church, more than once, that I do not like people to stop by without calling, we had some people-yep, you guessed it-stop by last night. I have also told everyone that not only are we not active, but don't plan on becoming active, but that didn't stop someone from the Relief Society from stopping by the house on Sunday (while I was napping) to drop off some newsletters and stuff. It drives me insane, it really does. The people who stopped by last night are nice enough, I guess, but also clueless. This time I spotted them out the front door so went outside, pointedly NOT inviting them in, but they still showed no signs of getting the "We should go" vibes. Then the woman asked if I got the stupid newsletters and do I want to go to this Progressive Dinner thing and before I could remind myself to be at least polite, I blurted out, "Heavens, no!" I could tell her feelings were a little hurt, but day-um. What is is going to take to get the message across that my house is MY house, and unless you are invited, you need to not come by? Or at least call first? Further, do I have to burn a cross on my lawn in order to make it clear that I am not interested in becoming active? No, I am sure that wouldn't help, because they would simply increase the effort. It falls on deaf ears when I say that I am not interested. I have said it more than once, and I am sure I will have to say it again and again. It is just frustrating to not be heard, you know?
Bah. Summer school for Hannah started today, which is more of a pain than anything else. I fail to see how a two-week session is going to give her all that she needs in order to get credit; if that is the case, if students can learn everything they need to learn in a trimester in two weeks, then why have school at all? Senseless. Still, in order for her to get some of her credits back, she has to go. She will go to two sessions, and will most likely have to go again next summer, but at least she will be able to graduate.
See, nothing much going on, or rather too much to make sense of. The sun is finally shining this morning, so that is good. My flowers are growing like crazy, which makes me happy, even though the rain and gloom is disconcerting for June. I learned how to make sourdough bread over the weekend, AND my bundt cake came out of the pan just beautifully. So life is good, even if I am feeling a little out of sorts just now.
Friday, June 5, 2009
***This just added on Friday afternoon. Have any of you seen this blog post about apes being ticklish? And the burning question here is does anyone besides me find it to be a) terribly disturbing and amusing that money was actually spent on studying something like this, b)odd that this can so easily be construed into a Creation Vs Evolution Argument, c) disconcerting that it is rather fun in a slightly not-nice way to go in and make gentle fun at some of these people and last, d) what the hell does any of this matter? We will all be dead soon enough and will find out firsthand; why fight about it now?
Thursday, June 4, 2009
1. Is it better to have several different pages to go through? Say, a photo page, and a Kori Dispenses Useless Parenting Advice, and a regular main page...? What are you more likely to read? What do you want to hear more about?
2. When I post the questions for my give away (and I will post photos of the items up for grabs over the weekend), would you rather have multiple choice guess or would you rather have to figure out the answers cold? Be aware, there will be none of this, "Every time you comment you get 3 entries and if you follow me that is 6 more and if you refer a friend you get a free set of knives" shit. Not that there is anything wrong with that, other than I am a simple person. The one who gets the most answers right wins. Period. If more than one person gets the same number of answers right, I will put your names on a piece of paper and let someone draw it. And no, April you are still not eligible to play.
3. Do any of you actually listen to any of the songs when a person posts a play list?
4. What should I do with my hair? Because sorry Rachael, I am just about 32 seconds away from getting dreads. And I don't think I am kidding.
5. Do you like me to respond to your comments? If so, would you come back in to the post to see if I have responded, or do you like to have them emailed? Mr. Lady asked her readers the same question, so I am thieving it from her.
Any other thoughts and ideas you might have, please let me know. I really and truly DO want to know what you think, because even though it is MY blog, I want to make sure YOU come back. And yes, I am pimping myself here. And if it were me, I would pick me up and pay me. Just sayin.'
On another note entirely, I hate the words "booty call" and Baby Mama/Daddy. they make me, how should I say it, want to vomit. Also, there is a really funny post up over the Rocky Mountains Mom Blog this morning about Pregnancy and Weight Gain; well worth the read. Head on over to Anna's place and check out the new addition to their house; it makes my ovaries scream to see the plump deliciousness that has taken up residence there. I found a new blog that I think kicks some serious ass. Check it out here. She looks to be a new blogger, so go check her out and say hi. She is really, really good. Last but certainly far from least, April has a GREAT post up over at the LA Moms Blog.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
It is funny, but it isn't. There have been so many posts in the last few days about the murder of Dr. Tiller, and then several posts in my reader about new babies or babies on their way as I write this, or babies just beginning to move lightly in their watery home, and it never fails to amaze me the variety of human experiences regarding conception and pregnancy. Each person feels how they feel; awe and amazement, fear and uncertainty, a feeling of being a sacred vessel or, conversely, an incubator. So many different things combine to dictate how a person feels about the beginning of life that it would be impossible to list them all, and futile as well.
What also never fails to amaze me is the fact that so many people believe that they have the right to tell someone else what does and does not constitute the beginning of life. Or what they should do/feel/think/choose in the event of a pregnancy. I have been actually thinking about this a lot recently, due to a couple of really nasty, deliberately hurtful comments on my Friday Fragments post about the fact that I chose adoption for a child at a particular point in my life, so it seems like to right time for me to post about the whole issue in general.
See, for me, life is sacred; at one point in my life, I had two choices: abortion or adoption. Because of my own personal beliefs, abortion at that time was not a reasonable option, so I chose adoption instead. When I posted that fragment about having made that choice, I was in no way criticizing adoption itself, just simply stating that in my experience, an open family adoption may not have been the best choice because of the fact that it changes the dynamics of family SO much. Would I go back and change it if I could? It's a moot point, because I can't. If I were in that position again? At my age? I would make a different choice; that's all.
The thing is, though, that I can only draw on my own experience. That's it. I know other women who have chosen abortion in similar circumstances and I cannot make any judgements. I can't tell you that I don't approve, nor can I say that any of these women made the wrong choice. Who the fuck am I to make that kind of call? I am not that person. I don't know what their lives were like when they made the decision to get an abortion, nor do I care. I just know that sometimes babies happen, no matter how hard you try not to get pregnant. I know that so many different things come into account when there is an unexpected pregnancy that for me, to cast stones or make some kind of a judgement based on the surface is presumptuous in the extreme. I remember one time I was talking to someone close to me, someone whose bed I shared nightly, about the fact that I had chosen adoption for a child, and some months later, during an argument, he said, "And this from a person who would throw their baby away like trash." All these many years later, that still hurts-because he knew nothing about me at that point in my life and knew (or cared) even less about why I made the choice I made. Therefore, who am I to say that someone else is wrong?
I know this, that we as women simply can't win in this arena. Taking out of the equation those who choose not to implement some sort of birth control and then abort every pregnancy, it is a catch-22. We get pregnant while being careful not to and suddenly we are sluts, single moms (sometimes) who can't keep their legs together and have no self-control. We choose abortion and we are murderers, we choose adoption and we are throwing kids out like trash. We keep the baby and sometimes end up marrying the father so are now known to have trapped some poor, innocent man into marriage. We don't end up marrying the father and we suddenly become one of "those" moms who have to go on welfare and bring down and entire nation by becoming a financial drain on the economy. In church we are told that the babies we keep are conceived in sin and therefore are marked at conception as somehow flawed, and if we choose abortion we certainly don't tell anyone-as if THAT makes it so much easier to handle an unexpected pregnancy. It just doesn't make any sense to me, and reaffirms my belief that no matter what we decide, we can't win.
Here is one of the questions that always pops up in my mind. Who, exactly, gets to decide whose life has more value? A 16 year old girl, one whose life is just beginning, or the child she might have based on a mistake? According to different religions, the baby's life is has far more value, and while I understand the Biblical concept of the sanctity of all life, I also don't think we live in that kind of a world. Give girls and their parents resources so their lives can continue to move forward in a positive direction and maybe I would agree that abortion in those cases is wrong. Until then, I have to say that I want my 16 year old daughter to have the best life possible, and having a baby at 16 does not make that possibility very likely. What about a woman who already has kids? Are those children and mama, the ones who are already alive and breathing and living, less important than a just conceived child? If maybe mom is already struggling and doing it alone and doing the best that she can, if the addition of one more child into the mix will push her over the edge and deprive not just her but her existing children of possibilities, why should she not be able to make the choice that best serves the needs of her entire family? I don't get that supposition, I really and truly don't.
There are just so many facets to this issue; we could talk about pregnancy as the result of rape or incest, or we could address the lack of options and/or education for young women when it comes to birth control (and again, thank you to George W. Bush for those fucking Abstinence Only Sex Education programs that don't address the reality that ohmygod people have SEX!). We could bandy about the issue of parental involvement and how sometimes kids are terrified to tell their parent (s) they are thinking about sex, and therefore are even more terrified to tell them that hey, guess what? We could argue to death the religious aspect of abortion vs adoption vs keeping a child, or we could look at study after study detailing the economic impact of any of the three. In doing so, we can ALL easily become confused and angry and upset, and end up killing one another over it. And all of the information in the world is not going to change the fact that we each make the best decision we can based on the information we have at any given point in time. And that decision is different for different people, and for different reasons.
I love my kids; the four I have, and the one I don't. I loved him when I found out I was pregnant with him, which is why I made the decision I did. I also loved the two children I already had, and knew that it would not be fair or right to ANY of us to bring another child into the mix. By the time I made the decision to adopt, I already had so many bitter and hurtful feelings toward the father of the baby that it would almost have been crime to bring the baby into that environment; I don't know that I would have been able to love him simply because he WAS. And I don't feel guilty, or ashamed, or embarrassed. I believe that had I made the decision to abort, it would have been for valid reasons as well, and who gets to say that those reasons, for any of us, are wrong?
So there you have it; Soapbox #765. Should I simply step down now, and hope that maybe just one person might have gotten some food for thought? Yes, I think so.