Talk about death warmed over; due to the confrontation with Eli last night and the fact that Hannah coughed all.night.long, I did not get a whole lot of sleep last night. I was also out of coffee and cigs (and no money), so it was not the smoothest morning. I looked in the mirror and was like, oh, shit, so I thought I would perhaps try to cover up the marks of a restless night by slapping on some makeup. However, I did not realize that I have only "summer foundation" and that it would be way too dark to wear now that I no longer even have the vestiges of a tan, so when all was said and done, I looked like 40 miles of bad road. I don't wear makeup much anyway, so perhaps that also contributed to the slightly clownish look, I don't know. Whatever it is, I
am not looking so great today. Meh-whatever. I highly doubt the President is going to be stopping by, and even if he did I really would not give a rip what he thinks about how I look, especially since I am one of those dreaded single mothers who is single-handely ruining our nation. I SHOULD look like a slob, Georgie. Oh. I digress. I have GOT to stay away from politics, I really do.
Moving on, the confrontation with Eli-at least the initial one-is over with, and to say it did not go well is a gross understatement. However, since I wasn't expecting it to go well, I wasn't surprised. I think I only raised my voice once, which was really hard to do since I was also angry-but I know that when people yell, I don't really hear what they are trying to say because I react and get angry myself. Defensive. He yelled at me-which I allowed. I tried to foster a conversation as opposed to a lecture, so I was prepared for a little bit of yelling, but mostly he did okay, too. But you guys were all right, it is definitely going to get worse before it gets better. Definitely.
I don't have it in me to go into all the details, because my heart is really quite broken this morning, and there is still much to process. We did go over the changes that were going to be taking place over the weekend, and he is predictably angry about it not just because it is happening but because he has to help. So much anger, but I think he is also a little scared. When I peeked in on him later, he had his dog curled up in the crook of his arm (and he seemed very relieved when I told him I had made the decision to let him keep her; I did some positive reinforcement, too, by telling him that other than not following through on the financial aspect of the bargain, he has done a very good job of taking care of her, and he really has. Any problems that have arisen are simple puppy-problems) and his eyes were red and swollen from crying himself to sleep, and it both broke my heart and pleased me. Broke my heart because he is obviously hurting-anger, fear, sadness, whatever-and really doesn't seem to understand why anything has to change, and gratified because if he was crying, it means I got through to him on some level. This morning he was not talking to me; we went through the whole morning routine (aargh, did I mention with no coffee? no cigs? No Lexapro?) without him saying a word to me. But I gave him his one additional chore for the day, and before I left I said. "I love you, Eli," and I heard him mumble "I love you too" under his breath. It's a start.
And so begins a new chapter of our lives. Somewhere, surely there is an award for "Meanest Mom in The World;" I hope the prize is a good one. In the meantime, I have entered a contest for Best Vacation Post over at Travel With Ronda, and the prize SHE is offering really IS a good one. Go on over and vote; and since the one with the most votes is NOT me, and is a really, really hilarious post, I won't be mad at you (much) if you read hers and vote for it instead. Because of course I voted for myself yesterday, but I did have to sneak over there and vote for her. It is Candid Carrie's, and all I can say to that is DAMN.