Another week has begun, as well as another month, and I would have to say that if you take it as a whole, 2009 has not shown itself to be any kinder than 2008, at least at this point. There are some really positive things, as there always are should I pay enough attention, but for the moment, it seems like we are destined for more than our fair share of troubles again. The year has approximately 10 more months to pull her head out of her ass, though, so with hope I will look back at 2009 and think that all in all, it was a good year. We shall see.
Hannah got to come home on Friday, which was much earlier than we expected and too early in everyone's opinion but theirs, the people where she was. She is on a couple of different meds and seems almost euphoric, which I am fairly sure is a temporary side effect, and this itself creates a whole different set of issues. I would have liked to see them keep her there for at least a week, to make sure she was fairly stabilized so far as those drugs went, but-there you go. There is much I would like to say about the place she went, but I don't have it in me at the moment to do so. Suffice it to say that they basically booted her out without even asking how prepared I was to have her home, and then intimated that I am the kind of mom who is weak and helpless and wants someone else to deal with her problem child. I did make an honest attempt to be reasonable and understanding of their position, but frankly, I can't be. I am angry, which is putting it very mildly.
Of course I was and AM glad to see Hannah; I don't think that is in question. But here-and I can only say it here because in real life it just sounds like I am being bitchy and selfish (and I admit that okay, I am)-I can say that this is fucking exhausting. She is so wound up all day that getting her to sleep at night is a chore, because it is SO hard for her to simply sit and wind down. She has to take sleeping meds, and while I know how important rest is, I know how little she has been getting, in some ways it seems necessary just to counteract the anti-depressant she in on. We went to the neighboring town on Saturday with a friend to pick up some things for the new house and it was just like trying to rein in a wild horse. Maybe not that bad, but yeah, a little bit that bad. The friend we were with said something about it being nice to have the old Hannah back, and I just thought to myself, "This isn't the old Hannah, either." But all in all, I would have to say that it went okay. She didn't try to off herself, anyway, which is obvious progress. I think she is ultimately going to be fine, and I am not sure if that is what I REALLY feel or if because the other alternatives are too horrible to contemplate; whatever it is, it helps me get through. Nothing about this is going to be okay overnight, I know that. I also know that Hannah has a long, hard road ahead of her, and I just need to be there from day to say and help her navigate the murky waters of depression.
On the plus side, we have all but one dresser for the house now. Well, there is much we still need, but with the addition of a dresser, we will have all we HAVE to have to live there. We are not taking any junk with us, which is going to make the actual move a lot easier. In fact, the only furniture we are taking are the bookshelves, the twin mattresses, the bunk bed, and Owen's dresser. The rest is so crappy that even if it DID survive another move, which is doubtful, it would not last more than a few uses. We have been making do for a long time, so even though I spent money I really would rather have NOT spent, it will look nice. I also picked out the pain that I LOVE, and so did the kids. We spent all day yesterday finishing up the cleaning and getting most of the painting done, and even though it was hard, long work, the kids were all really helpful because they were helping create their own space. For me, well, I am going to have my own room, and I am going to love it. I don't even know what I am going to DO with the room so far as paint or decorating, but it will be mine, and that will be enough until I can get mine done.
A funny thing to end this with. Remember that bed and breakfast Steve and I stayed in? I posted a review on TripAdvisor and got a rather nasty private message this morning from the owner. She basically said that since we didn't need all twelve dresser drawers, it should not have been an issue that they were all filled with socks, underwear, jeans, etc...and that I shouldn't have been going through them in the first place. She also said that perhaps I would have had a "better" time had I gotten up early and mingled with the other visitors. Which, okay, THAT was not a problem, I didn't want to "visit" with people, I wanted to have private time with Steve. In my review I pointed out that the breakfast was really good, but that the hostess talked about herself and her medical problems all the time and didn't even ask anything about US, and in addition kind of strong-armed us to stay and eat;I didn't even WANT to eat. She again said that if I had gotten out of bed earlier, I might have had the same pleasure as the other guests. I emailed her back that the point of getting away from life with four kids means different things to different people, obviously, and if I chose to sleep in, then good for me. I tried to go back to the oddness of the whole thing, the fact that it is extremely unprofessional in my opinion to have personal items of clothing in the room, etc...but she counteracted with a rather nasty email, so I just let it go. It just made me kind of laugh, though, for some reason, and made me think that perhaps her B&B isn't doing as good as she would like it to be, for her to go off like that to someone who posted a review. I wonder if the other not-so-great reviewers were lambasted as well?