I wanted to give you all at least an update on Hannah. I just called and she is doing okay. God, it is so much more complicated than that, so many different layers to that one simple word, "okay." In this case, what that means is that she is where she needs to be, and she is safe. I had a meeting, actually WE had a short therapy session yesterday before I headed home, with her and her therapist and myself, to go over what led to her being admitted to the BHC, what our short term goals are as well as a few long-term ones. It was-I don't know. GOOD is not the right word, but necessary anyway, and terribly difficult.
At this point, the whole situation is very much on a day-to-day basis. When they tell me she had a good night, that means something entirely different than a good night for one of us, and that concept is hard to get my mind around. She is still being very closely watched, considered still at high-risk for a suicide attempt, so for the moment, a good night means she didn't. The general consensus is that the poor sweet girl has been hanging on by her fingernails for a very long time, and she just couldn't do it any longer. It has been (and these are not her words, but mine, based on the conversations I have had with the billions and three-it seems that way anyway-people with whom I have spoken the last 48 hours) all she has been able to do to get up and get dressed and maintain. Here, she doesn't have to do that any longer. They are at the moment focusing on the most basic things: sleeping, eating correctly, and personal hygiene. That's it. She has no option BUT to eat, though of course she isn't required to eat everything. After observing her the first night and talking to me about her sleeping patterns at home, the decision was made (and I agreed) to put her on a mood stabilizer/sleeping aid combo, and last night she took that for the first time. She HAS to get up every morning and take a shower. There is a lot of structure and very little free time, and I think that is good as well.
There are a thousand things I want to write about, need to write about, but I just can't right now. There are balls in the air and a level of uncertainty that I am not comfortable with but HAVE to be this way. My daughter is a very long way away and I can't be with her or see her, and I hate that-but she is requiring at this point a level of care that I cannot provide for her, even if you removed the other kids and the job from the equation. She needs 24 hour monitoring, 24 hour care, and I just am not equipped to do that for her. I understand all of that, I truly do, and there is much to be grateful for even in the midst of this-I can't even write about that right now.
I will say that I have made a lot of painful decisions in my life thus far. I have been through some tough stuff, as have my kids. To date, the most difficult, painful thing I have ever experienced has been this: I had to pry her arms from around my neck and forcefully push her toward these people who will help her stay alive when she so badly does not want to. I had to listen to her cry and beg me to please not leave her there, and I had to turn around and walk out. I think of that, and I just can't write anything else.