I didn't really mean what I said yesterday about 2009 biting. For one thing, while this new situation with Hannah is terribly upsetting (ok, an understatement of vast proportions, but still), but it is a carryover from all that occurred last year, so I can't really say that this new year sucks already. It just makes LAST year seem suckier. Second, there are also good things happening, both big and small, and I would be stupid to not recognize them for what they are.
I spent the majority of my lunch hour getting things going with regards to Hannah and the school issue. She qualifies for and now has in place a 504 Plan, which is basically a special plan which accommodates her current and ongoing problems. The special accommodations in place now are that she is going to have a teacher come to HER as opposed to her going back to school; this will continue until at least the beginning of the next trimester, and we will all get together and re-evaluate her needs at that time. I was able to talk to the woman who is going to be her teacher, and already I know I am going to get along with her just fine. We talked about what led to this plan being put into place, went over a few very basic things, and we will talk more definitively this afternoon or tomorrow morning. R. (the teacher) can work up to 10 hours a week, so we can schedule it however best fits ALL of us, plus she is willing (if the school allows it) to drop off or pick Hannah up as needed for schooling. We were talking about how I really need someone who can be strict but loving, and that Hannah is still needing to be told things like, "Ok, you have to get up now, and then you have to take a shower." I noticed last night that she needs pretty constant supervision when it comes to her school work; she was working on her Health homework (we got a huge packet of things yesterday for her to do) and needed help refocusing and being redirected to the task at hand. So I went through all of this with R. and she told me that as of today, HER job is to be Hannah's advocate and my liaison with the school. If there is a teacher who is piling on way more work than Hannah is capable of at this point, R. will fight with them. She will pick up and drop off the assignments. The best thing she said, the one thing today that brought tears to my eyes, was, "You have back-up now." This is just one of the many little things that is really, really good right now. No one is pretending that everything is going to be magically okay; instead, they are going to help me do what needs to be done, help Hannah, help my family in real and tangible ways. So on the surface, it is a small thing, but inside where it matters most, this is huge.
The next really great thing is that we are moving into this house on Saturday. You all know how great a thing this is, but what you don't know is that I walk into the place and feel like I am home. We have begun to put our own stamp on the place, for the first time in my life (literally) I have been able to choose the things I like simply because I like them, and so have the kids. We each get to set our rooms up the way we want them, we got to choose the colors we wanted in our personal space, and I know that each of us is truly relishing the idea of having our own refuge. To some this would be a small thing, just another move, but to us, for us, this is something really, really lovely. I have talked to "them" about whether or not the move would be good for Hannah at this time-the disruption of all that is familiar at a time where she is really not emotionally stable, and have been told that under normal circumstances a move would not be recommended, but under the current circumstances it is a great idea. So I have to think that this house came along at the exact right time, when we needed it most. Who can argue with that?
I have this list that I keep ticking things off of: get the whole Medicaid thing straightened out (done. THEY Are going to deal with whatever they have to deal with so far as Hannah's dad goes, another instance of someone saying that all I need to do is fill out the paperwork and they will do the rest because I don't need to be worrying about it. H. and E.'s dad is going to be p.i.s.s.e.d. that he has been "caught," as he is going to have to start paying child support again-as usual, a topic for another post entirely-, but I truly don't care about that; I just want to make sure Hannah's medical needs are covered. I had to pay cash for her sleeping pills, and they were $158.00 for one month. Fucked up). Get the new house cleaned: done. Get the school stuff at least begin: done. All this and more, and what I keep marveling at is how things simply keep falling into place one by one. I am not going to say "with no effort," because that isn't the case, but I will say that with a little bit of work and a commitment to doing the next right thing, things are falling into place. How can I be cognizant of that and still say that things suck? I can't.
So. I am in a good place today. Not thrilled or wildly happy, nor thinking that this is all there is to life-suffering and pain-but instead being able to see things clearly, to do what much be done, and to be grateful. Not for the things that have happened, but for the ability to get through them all a step at a time. Yes, that is something to be grateful for indeed.