We got a notice from the court yesterday that the Pre-Trial hearing for CF is set for the end of March. Of course it has long been looming, there at the back of our minds, but everything else has sort of overshadowed it for awhile. Now, though, with the arrival of that ominous envelope yesterday, it is right there once again. I haven't told Hannah just yet; I know that I HAVE to, and I will, but I wanted to give her a day or two more of relative peace. I think her anti-depressants are finally beginning to have a noticeable effect, so that is definitely a positive; maybe I just want to give myself a few more days, I don't know. So much of this is foreign territory to me and I feel like I am stumbling around in the dark right now.
She-Hannah-thinks she is ready to go back to school. This trimester ends next week, so we need to make a decision about it before then. I suspect that a lot of her feeling ready has to do with this new boy, because at least she knows there is one person who is going to be there to hang out with and talk to. Before she left school, she was so engulfed in her own misery that she was incapable of maintaining friendships, and since high school girls tend to be assholes, she will be going back into school with only this boy to rely on. Of course it is a small comfort that she has at least someone. However, being the emotionally dependant on a boy, at 16, under tenuous circumstances, also creates a whole lot of worries.
She has therapy tonight, and I have suggested that she talk to her about going back to school as well. Even more than not having any friends left, I worry that she hasn't been given any real coping skills yet, so I don't know if she can handle the pressure that is going to be there immediately. The academic pressure, sure, but the PEER pressure: Where were you? What happened? Why were you in the hospital? Why were you being such a bitch? Why didn't you call me/text me/email me/come see me/kiss my ass? I just-I don't know.
I seem to be saying that a lot lately. I don't know. I don't know what this new normal is supposed to look like, I don't know what kinds of things the therapist plans on working on with her, I don't know whether or not Hannah is even going to be able to testify. I just don't know. And can I do anything about it right no? No, I can't; the day is coming, whether any of us is ready for it or not, and there is no sense in worrying about it right this minute. Rationally I KNOW all of that, but emotionally, I think that if I work harder, try harder, just DO something, I can impact what may or may not happen, and the truth is that I really, really can't.
Sigh...lots of worries today.
If you guys haven't stopped by to say hi to Amber and check up on Melanie, please do; I think Amber is feeling pretty discouraged right now, ans she could use some cheering up. Also, if you would go donate that $10.00 right now, it will start to add up pretty quickly. For those who already have? Thank you SO much, on their behalf.