All afternoon I have been sort of snacking on these jelly beans I brought to work this morning, not stopping to think that I should have brought just a small portion. I think I ate about half a pound of jelly beans, and now my stomach is queasy and I feel heavy and dull. I am not used to eating that much sugar, for one thing, and I wasn't feeling well yesterday, either. I just went out for a walk during break and it felt like I was carrying an extra 10 pounds with me. The worst thing about it? I will probably do it AGAIN. I am a slow learner that way.
Eli had a Language Fair thing today and I had to have him at the school at 6:45 this morning. Since we now live in a different town, I just came to work after dropping the little boys off at the daycare. I asked him last night if he didn't have even one friend going, one whose house he could stay at so I wouldn't have to get up at 5:00, but the only one he has is the boy whose parents lost the house and are in the midst of a terrible separation. Not the place I think he should be hanging out right now. So I told him he needs to make more friends in the French Club because this getting up at the butt crack of dawn just isn't working for me. He looked at me with this kind of stunned look, then said, out of the blue, "I have hair on my stomach now." Where in the hell did THAT come from? And believe me, I did not need to know that. I already know that we go through a LOT of conditioner and he spends too much time in the bathroom-I really didn't need to know about the hair on the stomach. Gag.
It doesn't appear that I will be going out for coffee with the other guy, at least at the moment. Steve and I had a bit of a talk on Wednesday, and while there were no bended-knee-declarations-of-undying-love, we established that neither of us wants to date other people. He is staying at the house with me tomorrow night, too. I am not taking this to mean we are on the road to marriage, heavens no, and I don't think I even WANT that anymore, but at least we got the air cleared a little. Now, my tendency is to second-guess, read things into a situation that aren't there (usually in the negative sense), assume, you name it, so even now it is hard for me to take this at face value. I am aware that it could all change again tomorrow, so am trying really hard to just enjoy this for the moment and see what happens. I don't know, I don't even really know WHAT I want anymore, in most ways. Pretty fucked up, huh? One more thing to work on. Wouldn't you think that at MY age, I would KNOW? I think I have so resigned myself to Steve (or anyone) NOT being present in a meaningful way that I really don't know WHAT to think.
The post I wrote a little while ago on the Rocky Mountain Moms Blog has been picked for syndication, which is pretty damn cool. If any of you run across it in your newspaper, please buy a copy of it for me, okay?
Otherwise, I got nothing today. I have noticed that the BlogWorld seems awfully quiet lately, which is a little strange, but then I feel quiet inside, too, so many it is the February slumps for all of us. I just know that if I get in the habit if NOT posting, it gets pretty hard to start up again. Do you all have the problem as well?