A lull. I am neither in a great mood nor a bad one, just kind of coasting along. In talking with Amber just a few minutes ago, I was able to articulate one more thing that I have been feeling, I don't know, unsettled or uncertain about. See, I keep waiting for someone to tell me what to do, and that just isn't happening. I want someone to sweep in and give me specific instructions about how to handle this next phase of my life-from the minor things to the big one-and I am just not getting the handbook. It's like it is there, but it is cryptic and hard to read, written in some odd language that I can't quite grasp.
However, there are some things going on that I think I might have made a kind of firm resolution about (and if THAT isn't vague, right?). You all know that I was kind of half-assed asked out by someone awhile back, right? The continuing story is too boring and banal to even go into any kind of detail, but the guy keeps asking me out. A lot. And it has led me to mentally planning a conversation with Steve about the status of this thing we have. Are we, or are we not, "together?" Because in many ways, we are a couple; we just don't call it that-he doesn't like to consider himself "taken," doesn't like losing the image he has of himself as a slick, hip and cool single dude. Which is his own issue, sure, but also one that does affect me. I have let it go on like this for awhile, but now, I don't know. I mean, it isn't like I look at this new guy and think that HE is going to be my Knight In Shining Armor; I have never believed, really (since I quit drinking, anyway), that jumping from one relationship to the next is any way to behave-too many issues are left unresolved. But it just brings to my attention that I really DON'T know what is going on with Steve. I know that he does things (family pictures, anyone?) that indicate a level of commitment, but he rarely refers to me as his girlfriend or anything like that, so I am left, often, uncertain and confused. I am not blaming him, please know that. It is what it is, and there isn't any blame at all.
I am having a hard time keeping on track with my train of thought here. What I am getting at is that I plan on talking to Steve sometime soon and finding out if we are, in fact, in a relationship or not. That is what I want; I want to be with him, I want to be able to put a name to this history we have and call him my partner. However, if that isn't something he is willing to do, I have waited long enough, and will commit to having coffee with this other person. The bitch of it is that I won't really be going with him because I can't wait to be free-the opposite is true. To accept a date with another man will break my heart, because he isn't the man I want. But-life is pretty short, and I do deserve (and want) more than Steve has in the past been willing or able to give. It doesn't mean I love him any less, it just means it is time to start down a different path if the one I am on is not just Under Construction but a flat Dead End. So I am committed to having The Talk with Steve, but I don't know when; when it feels like the right time, when I can do it without sounding like an ultimatum (because it isn't) or as if I am trying to use this other guy to make him jealous (which, okay, is just stupid), when I wake up one morning ans just know. Still pretty vague, but it helps me to be able to know that in this ONE instance, I know what one thing I need to do. Which has nothing to do with Steve, really, or the Other Guy, just me and my perception of things and what I want my life to look like five years from now.
As is usually the case, I feel a lot better after having written; it helps to process things, to think them through, and then I can generally let them go. If a solution is required or sought, I can often write it down and then it percolates in the back of my mind, being worked out while I am not even really aware of it. Thanks to all of you who keep coming back to help me process everything, big and small.
****For those of you who have already sent in your donation, thank you very, very much. You are so appreciated! For those of you who haven't, or have no idea what I am talking about, there is a Donate Button there on the right to help my friend Amber and her family as they deal with an ill baby and all of the related expenses. I am keeping the button up until March 2nd, and am asking all of my readers to donate a minimum of $10.00. I know times are hard, I know that people are struggling everywhere, but try to give what you can. Know that if anyone needs help with something really, really big, it is her. And if you can't donate or choose not to? Stop by and say hi to her, give her some love and encouragment. She needs it.****