Stream of Consciousness

I started Weight Watchers today. Well, I didn't OFFICIALLY start, as I can't afford to actually join, but two of the women in the office have joined, and they are generously providing me with all of the information. I am doing the Points System, which basically means you can eat what you want, you just can't go over your allotted points for the day. I weighed in at Jacquie's this morning, as I don't even OWN a scale, and will weigh in on Mondays when I drop Owen off for daycare. It isn't quite as depressing as I thought it would be, but is depressing enough. I have 34.4 pounds to lose to get down to my ideal weight. Ugh. Still, I thought it was much worse, so there is a little beam of light there.

Speaking of depressing, I am in a slump lately. I am not moving to Seattle, guys, but it sure is nice to think about sometimes. However, my desire to move has little to do with actually wanting to move, it has to do with not wanting to be where I am. My life is not so great right now, but moving somewhere else isn't going to change any of that-I will just have to deal with the same things in a different location. No, what this discontent signifies to me is that there are things I need to be doing to make positive changes in my life. It isn't about where I live or how much money I do or don't have or whether or not I am in a relationship, but instead has to do with some very internal things. And even though it feels and sounds like a slump, I also know that these times are necessary for personal growth. For me anyway, these periods of restlessness and discontent are a sure sign from the Big Guy that I need to take a closer look at myself; they are quiet times of the heart and soul, and I have to go through them in order to grow just a little bit more. So instead of looking at the feelings as negatives, I am choosing today to use them as tools in order to get just a little further along in my personal journey.

And speaking of personal journeys, I wish the lady at the gas station this morning would be more aware that HER personal journey really fucks up everyone else's morning. The store is busy from 7:00-8:00 every.single.morning. People are stopping for gas or coffee or cigs or a godawful sausage egg whatever in order to get to work. So at least one morning a week this woman comes in on her personal journey toward wealth and takes for-fucking-ever to choose her damn lottery tickets. She brings in all the ones that she has scratched off in the preceding days, and has to find out how much they are worth before deciding whether or not she can afford to put gas in her car or buy more tickets. Usually buying more tickets wins. So yeah, whatever, I know she has a sickness (gambling addiction), and I should feel compassion for her but I don't. Instead, when she says things like, "Oh, I'm not in any hurry, I have all day," I want to reach over, slap her fat ass and tell her that I DON'T have all day.

Fat asses reminds me that the holidays are coming up. This is going to be the first year where Steve and I have to figure out how we are going to "share" Owen; the very prospect of this fills me with dread, because of course neither of us "wins." Any way you look at it, we both suffer, as does Owen and all three of the other kids. In addition to the effects this has on Owen, I also feel sad for myself. I have already had invitations to go to other places with people I really love, but it is also going to hurt terribly to not be able to be with Steve and his family this year. There is part of me that wants to just get on my knees and beg him to maintain the status quo through one more holiday season, but it really just postpones the inevitable, and I think I might as well get used to it now. I am angry that I have to basically lose everything in order for Steve to get what he wants, but then this is the nature of the game-we women lose far, far more than the men do. Time for me to just suck it up.

The holidays coming reminds me that I need to find out just how many points I have at various websites that I can redeem for presents. I have all the kids this year for Christmas, which means more $$ out. I try to save up various points and use them at this time of year, and it really does help quite a bit. Still never enough, but-well. You all know how THAT is. I got a rather funny question in my email this morning about how the Presidential Election is going to affect my holiday spending-it made me laugh, because I think it really strange that anyone would spend more based on the possibility of an economic upswing. No WONDER we are in such a national financial crisis!

I have to go to the doctor this afternoon because I am ill; coughing up some really gross chunky green shit, and I feel terrible. It hurts to breathe, and it hurts to move, and it basically hurts to simply sit here at my desk. Let's hope that this little venture doesn't cause an economic crisis for me.

With that, I will say in closing that it is definitely a Monday, right?