The Moment is Good

I seem to have had a lifting of the spirits since yesterday; I don't know if it is simply false euphoria brought about by drugs (meaning cough meds and decongestants and a nip or three of albuterol this morning), but I am feeling a little more lively today. I didn't sleep worth a damn, due to the coughing, and also this: Owen comes and climbs into bed with me at some point every night. This, I don't have a problem with. He has also learned how to take off his own pajamas and his wet diaper. This I also don't have a problem with-independence and all of that. What I DO object to, loudly, is him crawling into bed with me stark naked and putting his icy-cold bum right up against my back. I screeched, which scared HIM, which got both dogs up and suddenly deciding that they had to go pee at oh-dark-thirty in the 20 degree weather. Ever since CSG, I am a little leery about putting them out in the middle of the night, so of course have to arm myself with the pepper spray and a bat in order to be brave enough to open the door (I know, I know, it's been over three months, but still....), so I can just imagine how ridiculous I must have looked. Anyway, by time we all got settled again (with a diapers and warm, dry jammies for Owen), it was about 3:30, but man, that two hours from 3:30-5:30 was the best sleep I have gotten all week. There is something a little bit comforting and cozy about being in bed with a toddler who, despite all movements toward independence, just still wants his mommy in the middle of the night. The dogs can't just lay ON the bed, either, but have to be curled up right next to us, so it was toasty warm, and I drifted into a deep, restful sleep. Hey-two hours is two hours, right?

And I had forgotten that tonight is Wednesday-which means that it is Steve's turn to come over and bathe Owen and get him ready for and in bed. I also finagled him into cooking dinner by totally stroking his male ego (yes, just his ego) and asking him to make this fried rice and kimchi dish that I love but can't make nearly as well as he can. We made the kimchi about a month ago, he and I, and it is just now getting to the really sour stage where it is really, really yummy. And yes, I am perfectly capable of making it myself, but it will be really nice to have someone else do it. I have two coupons for a free package of Welch's Uncrustables (I am a BuzzAgent), so that is what the kids are getting for dinner. There will still be the other things to do, of course, but just the thought of not having to wrestle with Owen one night is freeing. He is good, extraordinarily so-but he is also two.

We are going to be headed to see my grandma this weekend. My dad and my mom also live there (though not together! They have been divorced since I was about Owen's age, I think), so we will do the rounds. I called my dad last night to let him know we were going to be in town, and he was really excited; it is odd, because dad doesn't generally GET excited-about anything. It appears that we are going to meet him for lunch on Saturday, and it will be good to see him. Also my grandma-she is getting old and can't hear and drives me insane a lot of the time, yet I love her so completely that it isn't even funny. We haven't seen her for a really long time, and while I know that we shouldn't spend the gas money to go over there, I am so worried-with her and my dad both-that they will die and we will have all of this wasted time between us. I am not close to my dad-but I love him, and though I tell him that every time I talk to him, my goal is to get him to say it one time and mean it. I don't mean that in an "I hate my dad" kind of way-he just isn't like that, never really has been. While we are there, duty dictates that we will have to go see my mom as well-and I don't really know how I feel about that, so am not going to really spend too much time dwelling on it. I love my mom, too-but we are in the down cycle, meaning that we haven't talked for months. Whenever we go through a cycle like this, I am never quite sure of the reception we will get; she will either be overly effusive and go out of her way to appear the be the world's best mom/grandma, or she will be pissy and sullen-hard to say.

To sort of balance the lifting of the spirits, though, is the rather depressing realization that I picked a really shitty time to start Weight Watchers. Come on-turkey and stuffing and pumpkin rolls and fudge and sweet potatoes? What the hell was I thinking?

All in all, though, life really is good. I know that my post yesterday, or even all my posts recently, haven't given a very good indication of that, but I am not an unhappy person. I am not unhappy with who I am, and while there are certainly things in my life that cause me pain and worry and fear, I ALSO know that there is much to be grateful for. I complain about the kids, or how hard it sometimes is, and that is true-but it doesn't negate all of the really GREAT things about it, either. So today, I am just living in the moment, and the moment is good.