Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Exhaustion Schmemaustion

I went to the doc yesterday afternoon, and the verdict is in: I have bronchitis and exhaustion. Um, yeah. So I got some drugs for the bronchitis, and J. told me I need to take better care of myself or I am going to be really ill. Let's see....cut out the coffee so I can sleep better at night, cut down on evening activities, that kind of stuff.

And it makes sense-of course it does! But it's a vicious cycle, really, all of it is. I have absolutely no trouble falling asleep at night, I just don't get enough sleep. All the kids are in bed and hopefully asleep by 10:00 (unless it is a night like last night where Owen went to bed at 8:00 but fought me every step of the way and finally fell asleep at 9:30 after crying on and off for that hour and a half. And of course he wasn't crying for me, but for Daddy; nice, isn't it?), but then there are other things to be done so I can't just go right to bed. I have been getting up between 5-5:30, not by choice but because Owen is an early riser, and usually the puppy wakes me up to go pee at about 3:00 or so. So I really need my coffee in the morning to get me up and going, and honestly I don't think I would be able to make it through the day without it. I am not even willing to TRY, either. I don't DO a lot of stuff in the evenings-on Mondays and Fridays I have AA, which I need (and since I wasn't feeling well, I did not go Friday OR last night), on Thursdays we have the class, and the other nights the most I have to do is give one of the older kids a ride to their youth group stuff.

Anyway, I was a little mad at J. yesterday when she said that, because it's like, what? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that information? I can't do anything any differently than I am, you know? I feel like I am getting all of this pressure-well intended, of course, but pressure nonetheless-from all of these different areas in my life, and instead of helping me, it just makes me feel stressed out and inadequate.

And yes, tired. It makes me tired. I think that part of what made me mad about J. was that she is right. For some reason, though, placing a name to it-"exhaustion-" and hearing that it will make me sick (er), well, that somehow just makes it all the worse. Of course I am tired-aren't we ALL? But tell me what I am supposed to DO about it. REALLY. Give me a practical way to do this. Because believe me, I am out of ideas. My kids help me out a ton, they really do-but they are not the adults of the household, and they are NOT going to carry any more of the brunt than they already do. They are expected to do their chores and help out with the younger kids when I am in the middle of making dinner or whatever, but their real job, so to speak, is to do their homework and work hard at school. So after dinner and dishes comes the homework time; while they are doing their homework is my time with the younger boys-bathing, going over homework and listening to violin practice (if he sticks with it, I think Sam has some natural ability there), reading stories...you all know how it is. I am totally preaching to the choir here, I am aware of that.

The only option here is to keep going; I don't want to put a name to something I cannot do anything about, so I choose to think of it as just part of life. I have something to look forward to; on Thursday, Jacquie is going to keep Sam and Owen overnight, so I can just come home from class and perhaps go straight to bed, or shortly thereafter. I will also be able to sleep in, since I will have two less children and also won't have to make the trip to daycare. She is a good friend to me, this Jacquie, and while it might seem like a small thing to some, it is huge to me.

To take a real quick political detour here, my life is why I hate Sarah Palin so much. Not taking into account the fact that she is completely incapable of running our country when Mcfuck inevitably keels over, I hate the fact that she looks right into the camera and winks at me and says "I am just like you; just another soccer mom." I swear, that makes me fucking gag. Number One, I am not a soccer mom-I can't afford soccer, thanks much. And no, bitch, you are nothing like me. Take away your husband-and no, he isn't allowed to DIE, because then people give you sympathy and casseroles and encourage you to date people; he has to divorce you. Then take away the job and the house, because single mothers still make something like 60 cents to the dollar of their married counterparts and are fired much more often for poor attendance-because there is no Fair Pay/Paid Time off to care for ill children (and I am not talking about the Family Medical Leave Act-it only applies if you work in a company with 50 or more employees). Then apply for State Medical help, but kiss goodbye any chance you ever have of getting health insurance for yourself-but at least your kids will be covered. Even though you will then be accused of living off of the government and taking free handouts-you will be considered just another drain on society, like every other single "welfare" mother in the world. Last, but certainly not least, take away any kind of family or social support, because all too many of us don't have that safety net underneath us. Then, and only then, you will be like me-and I am certainly ill-equipped to run a country!


Argh. Should NOT have gone there. Still, it livened me up just a little, and I am grateful for that. At this point, I am willing to take what I can get. This morning via email, a buddy of mine told me I deserve a medal, and I have to disagree. On a political level, what I deserve is health care, paid sick leave, a support network in place that is there to catch me when I fall with no social stigma attached. On a personal level, I deserve someone who loves me enough to bring me soup and put my kids to bed for me so I can take care of myself. I deserve a the life I see other women have, other women who treat those precious commodities "husbands' with complete disregard and get to write out a check for the groceries without even thinking twice. I deserve all that, and more. This is what I am working toward-well, not the husband thing, as I have totally given that one up a long time ago-but the rest. And I have so many good things that they can't be forgotten, either, or go unacknowledged. I have great friends like C. and Jacquie and J. and April and M. and many others who are here to help prop me up-emotionally, physically, mentally. I have the Big Guy who seems to enjoy fucking with me regularly but also is always there, I have a job I truly enjoy. I am just-I am tired. Sick. Exhausted.

10 comments:

April said...

I know it wasn't really your intention, but I laughed out loud when you went off on Palin! My sis and I used to blame it on Bush whenever we were pissed, but hey, Palin's even better!
Maybe J. could spend the night at your house while you get some needed sleep at hers!

justme said...

Kori,

Loved the Palin rant...as you already know, I too am so sick of her trying to convince me she is 'just like me'. Even though her life may be a bit closer to mine than it is yours, she is in NO WAY 'just like me' and trying to make me think that only turns me off more. UGH. I am glad the rant made you feel a bit better! :)

I hope you feel better and find a way to get some more rest.

Kristin H. said...

You need to forward that post on to Palin's campaign people. And that eye winking thing has to stop.

I wish I lived near you so I could help you out. I would do it, too. Cuz' I'm a cool friend like that;) OMG did I just wink???!! F**K! It's contagious....

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I'd love to see a Kori & Palin townhall debate.

Well done Jacquie.

And don't get me started on the proper social security and sickness benefits needed. Everywhere...

The Crazy Princess said...

Gotta TOTALLY love when people tell you to rest. It's like okay, then YOU come take care of my child/ren! But good luck on getting better.

And haha.. I HATE Palin. She is SO not like any other woman in the universe.

Melissa said...

I agree. Caribou Barbie is nothing like me. And I totally hate it when she says that.

Try and get some rest. I know it's hard, but if you don't, you'll really get hammered.

liz said...

I swear if I lived within a manageable drive of you, I would come to your house on Friday, drop off cigs and coffee and some chick flicks (oh, and some cozy jammies, too!), then take all your kids and bring them back on Sunday night.

Sigh.

I seriously wish I could do that for you.

FreedomFirst said...

McFuck. Haha! I love you. That was priceless.

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that totally made me lose it. Even though I am still trying to persuade myself not to vote for Obama, nothing can turn my guts right now like the sight of a McCain/Palin sign. And this one said, "Hockey Moms for McCain/Palin."

AAAUUUGGGGHHH!!!! Okay, I can empathize with all the "Veterans for McCain" signs, because even though I think their feelings are, sadly, NOT reciprocated by His would-be Highness, still they feel like they have something important and meaningful in common with him. That's cool. But hockey? HOCKEY?????? Are you KIDDING ME? Now we vote based on the SPORT THE CANDIDATE'S RUNNING MATE LIKES?

May I vomit myself to death now, please? What the bleepity-blank-blank has America come to? Seeing stuff like that makes me want to vote for Obama anyway, because my argument that he wants to fundamentally alter my country just went down the drain. It's already been altered. There aren't any Americans any more. If people are voting for McCain based on Palin's kids' sports interests, then I certainly have better reasons than that for voting Obama.

Anyway, sorry you're sick and I really hope you get better soon. Really. I know what you mean about the rest issue even though I am fortunate not to be in your shoes at the moment. But yeah, I can totally relate to the fact that knowing you are sleep deprived doesn't give you more time to sleep. Lots of hugs. :)

Momo Fali said...

Maybe now that you've vented, you'll sleep better! Seems to work for me. I unload on the kids and hubby just about every night because I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired, but then I get in bed and doze peacefully. Okay, that's a lie. I lie in bed and feel guilty and go through the zillion things I have to do the next day...and I never sleep.

Jennifer said...

I don't get this whole "Hey--I'm just like you!" angle of Palin's. I don't WANT a president (or vice president) that's just like me! I want someone smarter, better educated and well-traveled. That's so dumb!