Day Three of the Guided Journal is about listing my own strengths. You can read it here.
So I don't know, things are a little strange just now. Not strange as in I am going crazy or that anything bad is happening or in that I have suddenly became telekinetic in the night, just...strange.
My oldest sister called last night to tell me that she and her fiance have set a date for their wedding: New Year's Eve. They have been engaged for awhile, since I think April? And I have to be honest here in that I was crazy jealous about that. Angry. Very, very envious. I hate to admit that; I hate throwing that out for everyone to see, but there it is: I begrudged her her happiness because I was pissed that it wasn't me. I have been angry with my sister for many things, holding all of this resentment inside because things have always been better for her, she has everything, she is beautiful, blah fuckety blah, but for some reason this one really took the cake. When she told me about her engagement and showed me her ring, I faked it; I gave her a hug and told her how happy I was for her, and inside I was seething.
But she called last night and you know, it suddenly didn't matter anymore. She made a comment about how she told P. yes clear back in April, but she hadn't told herself yes until last weekend, and I got that; I GOT that she really wasn't ready, and that there were all these other things to take into account (including her own two failed marriages, and even though she was damaged in different ways by the way we lived as kids, damaged she was), and then finally she WAS ready. When I told her congratulations last night, I really and truly MEANT it; I told her what a beautiful way to start a new year, and I meant that as well. I told her that I would definitely be there, and if she needed me to do anything to help, to let me know. And I meant that as well.
So that is what is strange to me right now; sometime over the last, what, 6 months or so, there has been something working in me to help me let go of all of this anger I have carried with me. And it hasn't just been anger about her getting married, it has been a lifetime of shit just piling up. When we were in Idaho Falls last year when my dad was so sick, we all (the four of us) got into this huge, terrible fight; the stress of being there and not knowing what we were doing or how to go about doing it, the stress of the four of us being together and falling back into our old roles...well, some really awful things were said on everyone's part, and on mine, I was just so fucking angry about everything; where we THEY when X, Y, Z was happening to ME? I was the last one home; all three of my older sisters got the hell out of there as soon as they possibly could and rarely looked back. I didn't realize until that night that I was angry because they had abandoned me; I was blaming the wrong people for things that were no more their fault than they were mine. The fight was terrible and ugly, but at the same time, it must have done some good. It feels so much better for me to be able to tell my sister that I am happy for her and mean it than to carry anger and resentment around with me. It helps to be able to acknowledge that her life sucked for a really long time, too, and that she deserves just as much love and happiness as I do. Wow, what a novel concept, right? And why is it so heard for me to get to this point?
This sister and I are never going to be close; we weren't when we were younger (she is 8 years older than me), and I don't anticipate that changing. We are in two entirely different places in our lives, and we have completely different outlooks on things, and I don't see that ever really changing. I can say, though, that I have begun to heal, to look at her differently; I have begun to see her without the layers of childhood obscuring her face, and that feels really, really powerful to me.
On a lighter note, I wonder if I could lose 30 pounds and find a really hot date in the next three months? Because even though it is her wedding and all, isn't it all just a great big competition? There is NO WAY I am going to show up at a wedding dateless, that is for sure!
16 comments:
I remember that. You've come a long way, but don't beat yourself too much about feeling the way you felt. I think those feelings had to get out of the way before you could find your way to truly being happy for her. I love you.
Why bring a date? You might meet some great guy there! ;)
I'm glad you are finding peace with your sister. It hurts to be angry at people who are close to you. And speaking from my own (much less intense) experience, it hurts even more if you know deep inside you're being unfair.
As we all get older, I find myself being so afraid of something coming between one of my siblings and I. We are all so different, and some of my brothers are very pushy with their beliefs. They get that from Mom, hehe. And I hope I never have to actually weigh the options of not talking to them anymore, vs. being bullied and maligned. I know, I'm paranoid. But my oldest brother especially tends to overstep his boundaries a bit with telling all the rest of us how to raise our kids. And I'm afraid of ANY of us getting split apart, really, not just me. I'd hate to have any bad blood between any of us.
Like April said, everything had to happen in its own time. You can't rush your emotions. Peace tends to seep in unnoticed, not come when you want it. (Does that make any sense at all? I need a nap.)
It sounds like you have made some amazing progress and are healing some very deep wounds. Good for you!
Don't get hung up on a date! You can have a good time without one (plus, you never know who you may meet...).
Don't take a date - show up the hottest, sexiest woman there and have them coming after you.
(It worked for Little Man's Mom!)
So glad you're in a better place.
Is that an O sign in your front yard over there? :-)
Oh look at you all grown up!
;0)
I'd go with you, how tall are you?
I'm so happy that you have been able to reach this point in your life and in your relationship with your sister. I hope one day I can come to terms with the animosity my brother and I feel toward each other too. You give me hope.
I wanna let the anger go! Teach me how! I am truly trying, but sometimes it creeps up on me. And I'm feeling contempt for people and things I know I shouldn't be. I hate that.
Granted, these are the people who I feel have wronged me in horrible, bad ways, (sort of) but STILL. I want to let it go.
I'll be your date....
Mr Lady...Queue starts here --->
I have a sister too. I can imagine what it would be like to have 3! Scary. We are complete opposites; I did the drugs, the boys, the city living, the art scene. She went on to grad school, lives in the barrens of Alaska, dates a wonderful girl and is passionate about rocks (geology major..eww)
I'm so lucky to have her, even if we never see eye to eye. I'm glad you were able to make peace with a part of your family history, because its wicked hard to do that.
Look, they are fighting over taking you!
I can't appreciate what you have gone through because I have never been there, but it really sounds like you have come to terms with some old issues. It sounds like you are feeling really liberated. I am proud of you! You should be proud of you!
That's so great that you can feel happy for her now--a big step. I hate it when I feel jealous--especially of my sister--it's like a huge relief to actually feel happy for someone and not jealous!!
I think when we come to be at peace with ourselves we learn to come to peace with everyone around us.
Where's the wedding? Can I be your date? ;)
aw hell....looks like mr lady beat me to the punch...
always a day late and a dollar short...
Hey Kori! I realize this is completely the wrong way to use a comment, but I would like to be able to reply to your comments from my blog, so if you are ok with that, can you send me your e-mail address? My e-mail is on my blogger profile.
I agree with freedomfirst - just be hot and get some wedding action! Hehe.
I am so glad you found some peace. I have also noticed that it seems to sneak up on you when you least expect it.
I will probably find some peace with my sister at some point. I am not very good at holding grudges or not forgiving people. Even if I feel like I have been wronged, it hurts to much to carry it with you every day.
I have 4 sisters and we all have our strengths and weakenesses. As we get older, we start to appreciate the differences in each other.
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