In Which I Am Asked To Speak

Day Four in the Guided Journal is here should you be so inclined.

It appears that I may be having an opportunity to speak in front of the parents in the class next week. Not because I am so great, you understand, but because they are so terrible. Last night was awful, to the point where one of the instructors actually had to separate two of them (they were passing notes and giggling and just basically being very disruptive) as well as go sit by one of them in order to keep him quiet. Yes, these people are adults. I ended up getting pulled aside after class and having the opportunity to talk with three of the four instructors about the whole situation. The consensus is that they would like to see me stay in this class and perhaps be an example for the other parents, and then I can take the kids to the next class in the spring at no charge. They also asked if I would be willing to talk to them next week. I don't know about that part of it; I haven't decided yet. But I am also trying to put together into some cohesive thoughts in case I DO choose to address the situation head on. Here goes, and please keep in mind that this is what amounts to a rough draft, a practice run, whatever:

I have been feeling very angry and frustrated at how some of you are choosing to behave during this class. I understand that all of you are here because you have been ordered by the court to attend this class, and I also understand that some of you are very angry about having been forced to come here. However, I am not forced to come here, and in fact sought out this class in order to help my family; the fact that you are so angry about being here that you aren't even going to give it a chance make me angry, and it also makes me fear for your kids.

I am not here to make any moral judgements or criticise anyone; it was my intention upon coming here to get everything I possibly could out of it and not get involved with any one of you on a personal level. However, the fact that you are all interfering with my ability to get anything out of the class involves me inadvertently.

To you, I would like to say that I am the single mom of four kids. I work full time, my children are involved in various activities, and I doubt I have any more money than you do. If for one night a week I can make arrangements for my two younger children to be fed, taken home, bathed and put to bed, then you certainly can. The class does not get over until 9:00; make arrangements accordingly and stop making a scene when you are told that if you leave early, it will be reported to your probation officer. You have already made it clear to the entire class that your 15 year old does everything for you, including taking care of the younger children; you cannot use them as an excuse. We are not stupid: the reason you wanted to leave early is because you put bleach in your hair and wanted to go home and rinse it out-the fact that you DID choose to bleach your hair right before class indicates that you had no intention of staying. And by the way, your hair is already white and rather ugly; I don't know why you wanted to bleach it again, as after three hours with solution on it, I would be surprised if you had any left at all. Either way, you aren't going to be more attractive; stop trying. If you aren't here to learn anything, at least stop being a distraction for everyone else. Otherwise, skip the class entirely and just go to jail; I don't care.

And to you; I understand that you and your wife are divorced, yet are being forced to take this class together. On the surface, this is a really good thing, but it clearly is causing more problems instead of solving them. Dude, you do NOT need to sit here and flirt with Miss Bleached-Blond Hair; your ex wife already knows you don't want her, there is no need to rub in to her face the fact that you are actively looking for some fresh uglies to bump. I would also like you to stop monopolizing the class with all of the things you are doing "right" with your kids. Obviously you are full of shit because both of them are and have been in the juvenile justice system for quite some time. Since the focus lately has been on the ways in which we can model positive behaviours for our kids, let me focus on the fact that you are a shitty model, and if this is the way you choose to behave in public, I shudder to think of the modeling you do for your kids at home. You are arrogant for no reason, you interrupt the instructors and argue with any point they bring up; the lack of respect you show for them, for the other people in the class, for your ex-wife and for yourself, is perhaps part of the reason your kids have so many problems as well.

To The Mom (yes, the same one I have written about before), please do not ask me again to give you a ride to or from class. You are not my responsibility, and I don't care how many times you say, "Fuck you, I guess we'll just walk," I am NOT going to feel sorry for you or allow you to manipulate me. You disgust me; you are sitting here in the class complaining about how you have to go home and pack because you are getting kicked out of the motel and have nowhere to go; this is not our problem. Your son showed up for class tonight drunk; where were you when he was getting smashed? Or did you buy it for him and drink right along with him? Your boy is funny, and good looking, and appears to be smart; stop your goddamn pity-party and take a good look at what you are doing to him. He is 15 and he doesn't have a mom he can rely on; if you are scared and nervous, can you imagine how fucking terrified your son is when being confronted by the fact that he has nowhere to live? Get a grip; if you are going to continue to make the choices that put you in this situation, fine-but let someone else take care of your son. Yes, he has his own choices to make, but in this case, what are you showing him?

To all of you: I am here because I want better for my children. Not because they are a reflection on me, not to make things easier for me, but because in a very few short years they are going to be on their own. The problems that we are having at home may very well be "normal" teenage issues, but my children need to learn how to behave better, and I need to learn how to be a positive role model and guide for them. I am here not because I have to be, but because I want to do everything in my power to help my children reach their potential. I am not here to make friends with any of you, and I quite frankly don't care whether you like me or not. I cannot control how you think, feel, act, behave; I can't control whether or not you want to get anything out of this class or not. However, I would like to see you restrain yourself and try to act like adults for the three hours we are here. I don't give a fuck about what happens to any of you, but I do care about what happens to my kids; please don't ruin it for me.

Obviously I will have to remove some of the personal attacks, but god, right now, even the next day, I am still SO angry. And don't know yet if I am going to talk or not. I don't want to be held up as an example to these other parents, because I fail at being a parent in SO many ways. Hell, I KNOW I don't do a lot of things right; that's why I am taking the class. It helps to get it all out here, to have an opportunity to get the worst of it out before I actually decide whether or not I am going to say anything next week. Thanks be to the blog gods for providing me with a platform in which to air my thoughts and views and maybe get feedback; heaven knows I need to have a filter, and this is a good one for me.