Thursday, August 7, 2008

Will Somebody Please Call Bill Gates?

Because I really need a computer at home. We HAD one, but it was so old that it would lock up every time I logged in to my email, and blogging or anything like that was out of the question. And you can just forget looking at porn; I mean, damn, those photos would just take too long to download (only teasing about the porn, guys, don't go all freako on me, okay?)! So I heard he sometimes donates computers to low-income schools and stuff, and though I am not a school (worldly experiences aside), I am needy. And I have school-aged children who could also benefit. So if any of you rub shoulders with him, could you send him my way? Do a little name dropping and hinting and downright asking on my behalf?

I have a couple of little vacation observations to share with you guys today. I still haven't been able to get the photos off my camera (see above), so you will still have to wait for those, but here are a couple of things I noticed or had questions about. Often both.

1. While on the Argosy Harbor Tour, I observed a couple who were obviously wildly in love. Okay, they really just acted like they couldn't wait to fuck each other's brains out. She was older, considerably, wearing a red halter top and short shorts (can you say eeeew?), and I would eat my hat if between the two of them they had a full head of teeth. My theory is that they met online and this was their first meeting. ANYWAY: the question is this: why would a person spend good $$ on this lovely boat tour of the harbor and then spend the entire trip making out and not even looking at anything? Surely there are more private and much less expensive venues if public fingerbanging is your style? For Pete's sake, the fucking Blue Angels were flying overhead in perfect formation, but they totally missed it. And this woman would not have looked good in a halter top even if she was 20 years younger. What a waste of money. I don't have a photo of this, and I am perhaps exaggerating slightly (but only just), but still...

2. In Pendleton, there is a lovely, well-built mortuary. The building is beautiful, with columns on either side of the porch, and the lawns are stunning; the flowers were in full bloom, no weeds, and the grass was exquisite. For a brief moment, I imagined myself being embalmed there and then trucked back to the sticks to be buried-people who have such obvious pride in their property would quite logically take good care of the recently deceased, and it would be a lovely place to hold a viewing. However, the whole effect was marred by the Big.Neon.Sign. advertising their services. It was something along the lines of Sweet Home Alabama mixed with Boogie Nights. Huge, gaudy, on a tall green pole. Yikes. What were they thinking?

3. I try to expose the kids to all sorts of different cultures and lifestyles in order to brainwash them into the same level of tolerance I have. Seattle is a great place for this. We saw SO many different races and cultural clothing (Sam, has been using his blanket as a turban because he saw a man wearing one and thought it was cool) that I think there was a bit of sensory overload. The second day at Pike Place Market, there was an Indian wedding party; the couple was very traditionally dressed, complete with the caste marks, and I cannot describe how beautiful they looked. Son was low in the sky, and both the bride and groom were wearing shimmery, gold clothing...stunning. We also say a gay couple holding hands at the zoo, one white and one black. I love the fact that the kids had the opportunity to see "different" people living normal, everyday lives just like we do. It is easy in such a small, very religious area to get the idea that anyone different is BAD, and I loved watching the kids take it all in.

4. This is not a new one by any means, but why oh why are there half a million people on the freeways there, the majority of whom are driving alone? Why, when there is a carpool lane for those who have two passengers; a carpool lane that while not the Something Speedway moves far more rapidly? Is it not possible that four or even five people in the 5 lanes of freeway might possibly work close enough to the same place that they could, gasp, ride share? There is also an excellent Public Transportation system. This just drove me up the freaking wall. All of the cars stuck in traffic for two hours, driving alone. What a bunch of fucknuts, really.]

5. There used to be automatic toilets all along the waterfront, because most places no longer provide restrooms for the general public. You would put in your quarter, the door would open and the light would come on, and then you had like three minutes to pee and wash (if you were doing anything more, um, involved, it wasn't a good place to go). Those restrooms are still THERE, but are padlocked tightly-because people would go in and mainline heroin and leave the needles and blood-soaked cotton pads inside. Nice. We found one public restroom on the Waterfront, where the carousel is, and you had to have the code to get in. I was seriously considering getting a package of Depends to wear around, because after 4 kids, my bladder isn't what it used to be. It makes me mad; there are places in Seattle to exchange dirty needles for clean ones-why is it so difficult to carry that little thing up 10 blocks instead of throwing it on the floor? Dudes: you're junkies-what ELSE have you got to do?

So many more, so little time. I am afraid you will all be inundated with little tidbits like this for some time to come. I have another post in mind for tomorrow, though, and this would be cool if you all would do it, too. Go check out Amanda's post today; it is so neat, and a great idea, and I am totally stealing it from her.

7 comments:

April said...

Just more proof that some people really, really suck. Did I ever tell you about the time the girls and I were at the kiddie roller-coaster at D-land and there was a couple in line behind us fully making out? At THE KIDDIE ROLLER-COASTER.

Kori said...

This is a great idea. But when I was 18 I was pregnant, had a 2 year old son and was stuck in a rat hole with a guy that beat the ... well you know the rest of that sentence. I don't think anyone wants to read about that. Now if I could change the age to let's say 15 before I moved out of my dad's house and thought I was grown. Now there are several things I would say to myself then.

Can't wait to read yours.

Momo Fali said...

Oh good! I loved these tidbits! More please!

FreedomFirst said...

Hey, I'm totally with you on the Depends, except I use them when I have my period. On that first day, really, I just can't chase two kids around all day and worry about whether or not my pad is leaking! Plus, I don't really want to change it in the restroom in front of two toddlers I can't leave outside.

Sorry to all the guys who read your blog for the TMI.....

Dingo said...

I was at an amusement park once and these kids were making out and holding up the line. She was sitting on the metal barrier that separates the lanes and he was standing in front of her. I'm all for PDA but this was obscene. Well, it got really hot and heavy and he leaned in too hard and they both flipped back over the railing into the holly bushes. Everyone in line laughed their asses off!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Adopt me?

JT said...

On a new comp - this may be something to look into as it could be a very real possibility. Contact all of your local churches and schools. A lot of times they give away their old equipment when they upgrade, and if they know who to contact, you'll be on their list to call. Another option is something called Freecycle (just google them). With the recovering from the knee surgery and all, I was having trouble with getting in to do physio. ther. cause I couldn't afford my co-pay more then a couple of times a month, much less twice a week. I posted at Freecycle and within 24 hours, someone contacted me with a stationary bike to borrow for a few months so I could strengthen my knee at home for free. I'm getting ready to call him back, because he said when I was done with it, he would trade me for a different exercise machine so that I could continue my progress. I'm willing to bet you could really hit gold if you advertised that you were looking for a comp for your kids to use.