100th Post-100 Things

1. I have the very slightest case of OCD. I check my alarm clock at least half a dozen times, making sure that it is both set for the right time AND turned on. Even though I have been getting up at the same time for years now and have never actually changed the time the alarm is set for.

2.I have very bad teeth. Not as in, "Oh my God, please don't smile at me!" teeth, but all of my molars are filled and I am constantly having problems with chips and cracks. I blame this directly on my mom and our very horrible eating environment as a child; it was literally feast or famine.


3.In relation to the above, there was a period of time when my older sister and I used to sneak into the neighbors houses and steal food.


4.And consequently I have struggled with food and weight issues since I was in First Grade.


5. Also in relation to the above, I count it a success that even after having a baby two years ago, I still weigh the same as I did 9 years ago. Even though I am still 30 lbs. overweight.


6. Of the four kids I have, only one was planned. It goes Birth Control, Birth Control, Fertility Drugs, Birth Control. This is why I keep offering to be a surrogate for XBox.


7. I also had a baby in between Eli and Sam. I chose adoption for him. He was another Birth Control Baby.


8. I tried to get my tubes tied after Sam but could not find a doc who would do it. I was too young. 7 years later, welcome Owen!


9. I have been married twice-once at 19 and the other at whatever age I was; I was drunk at the time.


10. But I have only been "in love" with one person. Still am.


11. And it was neither of my husbands.


12. I cannot stand women who dress like hootch's and are surprised when men ogle them.


13. I also cannot stand men who feel it is okay to ogle women regardless of what they are wearing.


14. I was registered pre-med when I registered for college back in the Stone Age.


15. I did not, in fact, attend said college.


16. I drank a lot instead.


17. Which led me to my first marriage, which I thought would save me.


18. And instead lasted 1.5 years and landed me with an 8 month old baby and another one on the way.


19. I get along with ex #1 quite well for the most part.


20. But he is inordinately interested in my life and what I do, even asking Hannah if I still drink my coffee black. It has been 15 years. And I never drank coffee when I was married to him.


21. I do not like his wife. Not because I am in competition with her, not because of any REAL reason, just because she is a fucking cunt to me and has decided that she would be a much better mother to my kids than I am. She called me a slut because I had Owen outside of wedlock and told me that was why Hannah was turning into such trash. Even though Hannah had been living with them for the entire year prior.


22. But I do honestly wish them well, and am glad to see that he has found someone who makes him happy. I haven't wished him ill for a very, very long time.


23. I DO still wish ill on ex #2.


24. But I no longer desire to burn down his house with him in it.


25. But then again, I don't know where he lives, either. Not that I have thought of it or bought the gas cans, of course.


26. I had a horse when I was a kid called "Ug," which was short for "Ugly."


27. She wasn't ugly; she was a Curly Haired Appaloosa who was gorgeous, just a little temperamental. I got bucked off regularly. My sister with the "gentle, pretty" Arabian Quarterhorse Mix fell off and broke her wrist, but I never got hurt getting bucked off of Ug.


28. I was a petty child and enjoyed rubbing that in.


29. Said horse gave me lice more than once because I spent all of my time with her.


30. Mom made us sell the horses when my stepfather embezzled money from the bank in which he worked and had to make restitution and resign in order to avoid prosecution.


31. I have killed more pet fish than I can count.

32. I was on the debate team in Jr. High.

33. I was the Features Editor for my High School newspaper my senior year.

34. I was also voted Class Clown my senior year.

35. I was also a virgin until my senior year.

36. I discovered the real appeal of alcohol my senior year.

37. I had an emergency appendectomy my senior year.

38. I had to take a French exam while still in hospital from said appendectomy. It was a once-a-year opportunity where two kids from each foreign language class were chosen to take the exam, and if you did well you could get a scholarship to go to a summer college session in that country.

39. I did well on the test, in spite of (or because of) the morphine drip. Which I really enjoyed.

40. I got the scholarship and spent six weeks in France the summer after I graduated.

41. I fell in love with France.

42. And pain au chocolate, which is basically a croissant filled with chocolate. Damn.

43. I will still eat bread and cheese for breakfast if given the opportunity. They do that there.

44. Speaking of bread, when I was pregnant with Owen I craved bread. I would drive to the next town over for a specific kind of bread.

45. One time I got there and they were out; the clerk felt so sorry for me (I was actually in tears, I wanted it so bad) that she went into the back and got me a frozen loaf and instructions on how to bake it at home.

46. I still love bread of almost any kind. Except the Rosemary Olive Oil kind they make at Costco, it smells like dirty feet.

47. But I love Feta cheese, which ALSO smells like dirty feet.

48. My left boob is bigger than my right.

49. I was left handed until Kindergarten where I was forced to write with my right hand.

50. I "became" ambidextrous in self defense.

51. Consequently, I have a difficult time with giving directions; I will still often confuse left with right and have to hold my hands out in front of me to do the L sign with my left hand.

52. I have only in the last year learned how to read a map.

53. I love naps; I like to get up at my work-week time on weekends and get my chores all done just so I can take a nap when the baby does.

54. I hate to sweep the floor. I don't mind mopping, but I hate to sweep. I make the kids do it.

55. I also hate laundry; it gets washed and dried, but rarely folded and put away. Unless the kids do it.

56. I hate my house. I hated it before CSG because it is so small, but now I hate it even more.

57. I love dogs. I enjoy cats, too, but dogs are it for me.

58. But: I hate small yapping lap dogs that look like rats.

59. I had a friend whom would never come "out," but he owned a poodle whose nails and hair he had done, and his kitchen was purple.

60. I dated said friend for a little while and could never quite figure out why he didn't want to nail me until my very openly gay hairdresser said, "Honey, he just wants to be your girlfriend!"

61. I have always loved the violin and want to learn how to play. I am giving myself violin lessons for my 40th birthday.

63. I am a terrible klutz. I fell off my chair on the first day of this job. And I do stuff like that All.The.Time.

64. I use humor and sarcasm to mask fear and insecurity.

65. I am also genuinely funny, though.

66. And I like to use sarcasm with people who aren't aware of it.

67. I do not and have no plans to own a cell phone.

68. But wish I had a computer and the Internet at home.

69. I can read a book in one night, and often do.

70. I would rather read than almost anything.

71. When I was in Seattle I spent one entire morning watching ER reruns; 4 or 5. C. and D. have the thing where you can record them and skip the commercials, so I actually enjoyed that.

72. I used to hate SpongeBob Squarepants so badly that I would ban it from the house and not let Sam watch it it daycare. But now I am actually growing a little fond of the spongy yellow bastard, and it scares me.

73. I am afraid of the high dive at pools. I can climb up okay, but I get to the end and freeze. The only reason I EVER jump off is because the prospect of going back down the ladder ALSO scares me, but I know I have to get down somehow. The only reason I ever go UP one is because the kids want me to.

74. I would take a bullet for any one of my kids.

75. But I never really thought I would HAVE four kids.

76. I often worry that I am not a very good mom and am ill equipped to be a parent.

77. I work on this every single day.

78. I think my daughter is one of the most beautiful young women in the world.

79. I also think she is very strong and brave and more convinced of her own self-worth than I ever was at her age. Or any age.

80. I am glad I had a daughter, but am also glad I only had ONE. I am a better mom to boys than girls.

81. I was not happy about being "forced" to get sober. My ex-husband went through rehab (he was obviously not my ex at the time) and told me he wouldn't be with me if I still drank.

82. I did not have a drinking problem. Everyone I knew drove drunk, fucked people they picked up in bars, stole and lied and cheated and basically lived the lowest life imaginable. Since these people were my friends, and THEY didn't have a problem, neither did I.

83. I did have a problem. A big one. And AA started to make sense to me.

84. If I manage to not drink one day at a time between now and then, I will have 9 years of continuous sobriety on November 24th.

85. I am still sick, though, and have much personal progress to make. As they say in AA, alcohol itself isn't the problem, I am the problem.

86. I have been in only 22 of the 50 states.

87. I have no desire to ever go to Texas or New Hampshire.

88. I love to drive; the vacation was perfect for that, because I love to be in the car listening to the radio and talking to my kids and looking at the world go by.

89. I once spent most of a winter working at a Cross Country Ski Resort in Montana. I learned how to cross country ski, and took two backwoods tours of Glacier National Park. Although I had lived in snowy areas most of my life, that was the first time I really appreciated the stark beauty of winter.

90. I am very rarely too hot.

91. One of my favorite things to do is be in the water. I love to take the kids to the river and spend the day basking and baking.

92. I believe in God with all of my heart. I don't "do" a whole lot of church stuff, I sometimes get mad at and rarely understand God, but He is just as real to me as my legs are.

93. If I didn't believe in God, I don't think I would find a good enough reason to stay sober, or even get out of bed in the mornings.

94. I DON'T care whether anyone else believes in God or not, and I have a hard time with those Christians who refuse to expand their thinking beyond the Bible. There is a whole other world out there, and I just think we are not doing a very good job of loving people the way we are supposed to.

95. I bought three souvenirs for myself in Seattle: two colored-pencil sketches of the market, and my personal favorite, an air freshener that says on one side,"You say tomato, I say fuck you." and on the other, "It's just semantics."

96. I love my blog and am so grateful that my second best friend in the world even though I don't know her IRL April convinced me to keep at it when I was just beginning. (btw, April has a 200th Post up today as well! It is a good one-check it out!)

97. I am not where I thought I would be at 36 years old, but I am happy about where I am.

98. I have no expectations for the future, but all of the hope and faith in the world that there are good things in store for me and mine.

99. I am really grateful that I don't have to scrape pigeon shit off of awnings for a job, or be a garbage man, or have to work at McDonald's. I love my job, and I am good at it.

100. My eyes and my boobs are my best features, beyond my charming wit and acerbic humor.

And there you have it, folks. My 100th post, with 100 things about me. Probably more than you wanted to know in some cases, and less in others. Thanks to all of you who have been hanging around for awhile now, and thanks to those who are there but don't comment, and thanks for those who are visiting. You have all become a very real part of my life, and I am grateful.