I had to spend my first night at home with just the younger boys last night. Ever since the first CSG incident, I have managed to make sure at least one of the older kids were at home, thinking that if I am, in fact, the target, that CSG would be less likely to make another appearance if he knew I wasn't entirely alone. However, due to a couple of different things that cropped up, both Hannah and Eli were gone overnight so it was just myself, my 9 year old, and the 2 year old. To say that it was a bad night is a gross understatement, yet we made it through. Who needs sleep, right? Certainly not THIS mama, and whether I need it or not is irrelevant; I think I can safely assume that the resumption of normal activities for the kids will result in far more sleepless nights. Nothing happened, obviously, and for that I am grateful; it is the being worried that something will that has me completely fucked up. See, at least if one of the older kids is home, I have some additional help-not so much in fending off CSG, but in making sure the little boys are safe. We have a plan or two in place in case something happens, and both of those plans pretty much rely on an extra set of adult (or at least teen) hands in order for them to work.
I did try to make other arrangements last night in order to have a bit more peace of mind. I called Steve and asked him if the younger boys and I could stay the night at his house, but that obviously did not happen. In one conversation, I was reminded forcibly that he has no obligation to me, that I am a shitty parent for allowing both kids to be gone at the same time, and that I am a pussy for being afraid. Talk about lovely. I know he has no obligation to me, emotional or otherwise, but silly me, the way things have been going the last few months, I thought that I had some good basis for thinking that things were changing. Apparently I was wrong. This doesn't crush me, as even though things have been getting better I have not allowed myself the real luxury of hope, but it does still hurt. He made a couple of comments about how it was unreasonable for me to expect HIM to be put out when there is no reason I can't make one of the older kids stay home in order to make me feel safe, that it isn't his responsibility. And while I didn't SAY it, what I was thinking was, "Oh, right, I forgot, it IS the responsibility of my 14 and 15 year old children to protect us. Right."
The thing is, he is RIGHT. It isn't his responsibility, nor is it Jacquie's, nor is it my kids'. No, the responsibility rests solely on ME, as the only adult in the household. And I can bitch and moan about how much it sucks, and I can lay blame on him for being cold and uncaring, but it ISN'T his problem. It is MINE. The thing about it all is that I now feel completely isolated on this now. Two weeks ago, I was under the mistaken impression that the cops gave a fuck, but I was wrong about that. Now this one other avenue of support has been taken away from me, and while there is still Jacquie and Jim, of course, who do their drive-bys late at night to make sure all is well, this can only go on for so long. My neighbors-well. Their reaction (or lack of) the night it happened, and after subsequent events, shows me that while they talk a good talk, when push comes to shove they are SO not there. I AM alone in this, and it fucking sucks. I know now that to call the police is futile unless there is actually someone physically breaking in to my house-the phone calls, the missing dogs, the tampered mail-totally not taken seriously.
And this is another thing that totally bites, that for the first time in a long time I feel like I NEED a man. Isn't it stupid and insane to feel safer with someone with testicles around? Like Steve pointed out, it sure didn't help the wife of the man who was killed to have a man around; the killer just took him out first (did I mention that he was only hit TWICE with a bat? Sheee-it!) and then beat the shit out of her. I don't know why it is, but even having Eli around helps-but it ISN'T his job.
I am just feeling a little crazy, and am trying to get myself MAD so that the fear does not paralyze me. I know that I can't keep my kids home with me in order to keep me safe; it isn't healthy for any of us, because it is piling adult responsibility on kids' shoulders. And I want them to be able to resume their normal lives-but I would be lying out my ass if I didn't say that every second they are gone, I am worried until they get back home. I don't know. I just feel like I have hit a wall here, and I don't know where to go from here!