I am at the end of my rope today, I truly am. And I don't know what to do about it, so what do I do? I blog. Which doesn't solve anything, it doesn't CHANGE anything, but somehow it helps to be able to talk about my life with people. To put it all down on paper (so to speak), which helps me mentally process things. It doesn't always result in a viable solution, it isn't the answer to any problems, but it does help.
So this is why I am at the end of my rope today. I had my first threatening phone call early this morning, from who I can only assume is CSG. I was, for a change, sleeping deeply and well, and the phone rang at 2:30. I keep the phone right by my head, on the arm of the couch, so it woke me up immediately. The Caller ID said "Private," but I answered it because Hannah and Eli's dad's number also comes up as Private, and I was worried that something might have happened that his dad needed to reach me; we all know that middle-of-the-night phone calls are never a good thing, right?
It wasn't his dad. Instead, it was man who asked, "Is this Eli's mom?" Still befuddled and frightened, I said yes-thinking that perhaps something terrible had happened and it was someone from a hospital or police station-and then this man said, "You are going down." It sounds innocuous here, doesn't it? But it wasn't. It isn't. Instead, it just adds to my already existing terror. Hannah woke up when she heard me asking, "Who IS this?" and when I very vehemently said, "I am reporting this call to the police," but I lied to her; I said, "Oh, I think it was one of Eli's friends playing a prank." I didn't want her to lay awake the rest of the night and worry-I am perfectly capable of doing that myself, thank you very much. And it is possible that it was one of Eli's friends-you know, if one of the suddenly had a very dramatic voice change over the summer. I think I would recognize his friends' voices, though, even taking into account puberty. No, what it felt like is a warning; "yeah, bitch, not only do I know where you live but I know your kids' names, too."
I have left a message with the detective, and am waiting for him to call me back; the cynical part of me says (and knows) that I will have to fill out a police report, make a log of any other strange phone calls etc...but basically, there isn't anything they can really do. So we will still have to wait, to wonder. In the meantime, while we are waiting and wondering, I am too afraid to even let the kids play in the backyard anymore because it is right next to the alley. They have to go out and dump the garbage as a team, and the back part hasn't been mowed since we got back from vacation because I don't want ANY of us out there that long, day or night. I am still sleeping on the couch because for some reason, I am too afraid to actually pull the bed out. The kids are finally sleeping in a bedroom-all three who are home right now in one bed-but we have to leave both the hall light and the kitchen light on, and still we don't feel safe.
I want to move. I want to pack up and find another house, one where the threat might still exist but where at least we would feel safer. This isn't an option (see my many, many posts about this issue!), but it is what I want to do. If I had my way, I would pack up in the middle of the night and just disappear, which is of course not a reasonable thing to do, either. I just don't know what to do anymore, and I am just-I am tired. I will update this after the detective calls back to let you know what kind of drivel he comes up with.
****Update: Apparently our detective is off today. They sent some fucking screwball Keystone Cop to my house-despite the fact that I told the dispatcher to please have him come to my office (which, incidentally, is right across the motherfucking street) because I DID NOT WANT MY KIDS TO KNOW. and you know what HE said? I have to call the phone company and try to get the number. Even though THEY are the ones supposedly investigating this, I have to try to call the company. Which I just did, only to be told that due to Privacy issues, they are unable to provide me with a phone number because if it is marked "Private" it is Unlisted and Unpublished at the Customer Request. Which I knew, but since I am apparently supposed to be doing the job of the police department, I had to try it. Then, this fat fucker did not even know ANYTHING about what has been going on. Nothing. So I got mad and said that maybe the department should get it together so that ALL the officers at least have a general idea what is going on, because I am really getting tired of having to go through the whole story with a new officer every time something happens. He said the condescending, "Now, ma'am, you need to calm down, we really need to have some leads before we can DO anything..." and had I been able to, I might have reached over the desk, grabbed his gun and shot him in the head with it. Not only am I pissed, I feel like it doesn't do any fucking good to even call and report anything anymore.***