Wednesday, August 27, 2008

In Which I Step Away From The Edge

April tagged me for a 10 Things meme awhile back, and I obviously haven't gotten to it yet; I joked, because I just finished my 100 Things post a little while back and surely there aren't 10 MORE things about me? Still-since I find myself endlessly fascinating and believe in my heart-of-hearts that you do, too, I will do this one as well.

1. If I won the lottery, I will be the first person to admit that you bet your ass it would change me. I believe I would become much more generous and kind, for one thing; I know SO many people whom I would like to help, but can't due to my own lack of resources. And as much as I love my job, you can also bet that I would not be working full-time any longer. I have hear some people say that they would help out their family, but nah, I wouldn't. I WOULD put some money is a trust fund for my sister's kids, but I wouldn't be paying off mortgages or giving anyone a lump sum. Too much water under the bridge. I would, perhaps, pay for a family vacation, so long as I wasn't expected to go.

2. The word "anywho" or any derivative thereof? Makes me want to barf. Come on, people, not only is that not even a real word, but it makes you sound illiterate and ignorant. And it isn't cute, either, or funny. Much like my use of profanity, I am sure. :)

3. I see kids sucking on their mittens in the winter and it makes me get chills and hurts my teeth. Even right now as I am typing this, I have the mental image of a kid sucking on a mitten and it hurts. I have no legitimate reason for this, it just makes me cringe.

4. Women who say things like, " I don't know, I will have to talk to my husband first" when confronted with making a decisions I can understand if you are making a huge purchase or deciding to take gramps off of life support, but otherwise? Grow a sac already and stop being such a pussy. You women give other women a bad rep.

5. Even though I love God and try to do what He tells me to do (often kicking and screaming all the way), church bores me out of my mind. I find it very nearly impossible to feel close to the Big Guy when I am nodding off and wondering if the couple in front of me did the wild thing last night or why-oh-why doesn't that parent stop the booger-eating-kid from crawling under all of the pews? I used to love the Assemblies of God church because even though it was kind of strange and sometimes freaky, it was NEVER boring.

6. Consequently, even though we talk about God and pray every night and live a pretty "good" life, I have a hard time telling my kids they HAVE to go to church. Because if I tell them they have to go, then I also have to go, and-well.

7. Mr. Lady invited me to a potluck awhile back, and I am still in fucking awe at how she described me. The woman is a freaking genius. I like to hear how other people think of me (unless it is negative, because then I will write them off and pretend I never knew who they were. Because I am that good. And does sarcasm and self-denigration come across in the written word?), because very often they have an insight I don't, and it is pretty cool to see.

8. I got a new button there on the right side of the page. I am hoping that it will help fund my trip to BlogHer next year, but I have only made something like, oh, 4 cents. Still, I am hoping to be able to go and meet April. I already told her my two criteria: we have to share a room and I will not clean up puke if she gets all liquored up and sick.

9. I finally pulled my bed out for the first time since the CSG incident; despite the irrationality of my fears, they were still there. But then the big old Harley jumped up on the bed next to, and armed with the dog and the pepper spray and the two bats and the phone and my cigarettes in case I needed to have a quick puff or ten to calm my nerves, I was able to sleep.

10. Despite my intelligence, I am sometimes really, really slow on the uptake. This morning, looking across the street at the cops washing their cars (because they don't have anything better to do, like walk over here and give me the fucking paperwork for the Last Call Trace, but that is a story for another post entirely), I noticed that there were two big black signs on the garbage Dumpster that said, "POLICE." I puzzled over that one because why would they need to mark the dumpster? Is it really likely that someone is going to sneak off with the dumpster in the middle of the night, which would require the police to do a yard-to-yard search in the daylight and they would recognize the dumpster because it is marked? But then I realized that they were the magnetic signs that were taken off of the police car while they were washing it.

There you have it; another 10 things that surely you could not have lived without knowing about me. I had three or four other posts in mind, and they are sort of percolating in the old brain today and may or may not show up another day. For today, for this moment, I am still looking over the edge, and these silly little things somehow keep me from jumping (metaphorically speaking, guys, don't call the loony bin just yet). The small things, indeed.


Anna-b-bonkers said...

Oh Kori! You are so awesome!!
What you said about church boring you to sleep...I am right there with you. I too find it hard to go but want my kids to have some sort of experience with Sunday school, or something!
(By the way, Kaitlyn's poor face. Those marks where from when she was trying to do the frog hop hand stand, and then the little scrapes healed up looking way worse. They have now flaked of, surface only thank goodness!)

Immoral Matriarch said...

You have to come to BlogHer next year. Sooo much fun to be had!

Anonymous said...

Fuck BlogHer. I think we should head to my family's vacation place in the mountains...

There's plenty of room, beautiful views, it's FREE, and we can sit on the deck and just veg.

Who's in?

FreedomFirst said...

Lol. Yeah, I can be pretty slow on the uptake too. I was reading a book recently where they described the restrooms in a small-town diner as being marked "Pointers" and "Setters." Took me about five re-reads and as many minutes before I got it. Duh.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

yeah fuck blogher, come to Holland, we have cheese and tall people.

I say anywho...hmmmmph.

Dingo said...

You have the right idea about your lottery winnings -- except I didn't hear you say anything about helping me out. I'm pretty sure you would want to pay off my student loans, right?

Tara R. said...

We could have been separated at birth. (except I'm guilty of no.2)The mitten thing... my teeth are still hurting.

Jennifer said...

Sucking on mittens?? Ewww! I have (thankfully) never witnessed this and I hope I never do. Anywho...j/k!!

April said...

I find the AdSense button a great source of amusement sometimes. Like for this post? It pulled up a dumpster rental link!
I'm thinking we need to seriously consider Liz's proposition. So long as the weather is nice.