This Is NOT a Birthday Post For Eli

So my newly 15 year old Eli has forbidden me to write anything at all sappy and sentimental on the blog in honor of his birthday, so I am certainly not going to do it. Instead I will tell you that this kid sent me to the hospital twice to be pumped full of anti-labor drugs which made me sick and bitchy, he put me on bed rest for 6 weeks and was still born three weeks early, and even with all of that, even with his slow growth in utero and his just-less-than-6-pound body, his big round head ripped me wide open. So much so that it took me months and months before I could even contemplate a penis without wanting to run away holding my nether regions and screaming, "No! No!" I wonder is this is sufficiently NON-sappy?

The conversation in the car this morning pretty well sums up my relationship with Eli:

Hannah: There was a girl up on top of that cell tower yesterday. She was going to kill herself.

Eli: How did she they get her down?

Hannah: Her friends finally talked her into coming down.

Eli: How did they manage that?

Me: They threatened her with, "If you don't come down here we are going to kill you!"

Me and Eli: laughing hysterically to the point of wiping our eyes and being unable to look at each other for fear it would start up again.

Hannah: Huh?

Happy Birthday, kid. You are pretty awesome, and I am sorry that with everything else going on the last few months that you have been feeling a little neglected and a lot left out. I love you, I think you are turning into a mostly amazing young man, and if there was one small piece of advice I could give you right now, at this point in your life, it would be this: "Don't purposely "on accident fall" into a group of girls. You may not make it out alive next time. Love you.