Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Deep Breaths

Deep breath here. I had my emotional breakdown last night, ranting (big surprise there, right?) and raving about how unjust the justice system really is, crying and crying about how sad and awful this really is; I also felt so defeated and hopeless that I thought maybe it would be in the best interests of everyone save HIM for the whole thing to be dropped. Of course, on the heels of THAT I also thought it would be perfectly reasonable to pack up all the kids in the middle of the night and simply move. Clearly I was in no way rational, just extremely emotional. Just like the idea of the trial, it was one thing to know that it would most likely be postponed, and even to rationally understand why the judge had to do it; another thing entirely to hear the words out loud and see the cocky son of a bitch smile. I am less emotional today, although tired to the bone and a little soul-sick. However, it is what it is. We can't do anything to change it, all we can do is sit it out and wait. Hannah is less able to see that, and it is her I am most concerned about; she also had her emotional outburst, and regrets telling me about what happened. I hope that with a few days of quiet she will be more able to process this setback and feel stronger. She does have counseling tonight, which seems to be a safe place for her to vent, and for that I am grateful.

We have also learned a few things that he has done which violate the terms of his bail (he is supposed to be on house arrest, but he was seen both by me once and by Jacquie and her husband once. Jacquie and Jim called him in but nothing was done; they were told that the papers the sheriff's office had did not prohibit him from being where they saw him), so today I have to call the PA and let him know that it was, in fact, reported but that nothing was done. I am unsure whether someone else dropped another ball and the Order of Clarification was not provided to all the law enforcement entities here, but I need to let the PA know that this is in fact occurring and find out what he intends to do about it, if anything. Although I am not hoping for anything, I can't fail to see the delicious irony if they pushed for a postponement and then bail was revoked, making him have to sit in jail for the next two months. The image alone is enough to make me chuckle.

Another deep breath. I talked to my mom last night, and she was commiserating and saying, " I know exactly how you feel, honey..." and I.fucking.lost.it. "No, mom, you DON'T; you might know how it feels to have a daughter molested but you certainly have no idea how it feels to stand up for her and go through all of this court shit, because you didn't do it!" That book I read talked a lot about confronting the parental unit and expressing your anger as being a very necessary part of healing, and that felt good. I can't beat my mom up about all of this, but at the same time she needs to know that no matter what her excuses were for not being any kind of a parent, excuses were all they were. And this part of it is about me and my inability to fully let this part of my past go; by continuing to justify and excuse and, yes, ignore the damage, I can't get better, and god, I am tired tired tired of being ruled by my past. I have always said that yes, we were all affected-for good or ill-by the things that happened when we were kids, but that at some point we have to take responsibility for ourselves and our choices. By getting and staying sober, by working my program to best of my ability, I have been able to do a lot of that work. However, confronting it head on, so to speak, feels necessary for the final barriers to be broken down and removed; even though it sucks, even though it is painful, and god knows it is SCARY to be angry with my mom, I think it is also good.

The thing is, no matter what happens, no matter what unfolds in terms of CF and court and blah fucking blah, life still goes on, or it should. My job is the same as it was before the postponement: to do whatever I can to help Hannah, to get for her the things I cannot provide, to stand up and be strong and brave and true. To show all of my kids that being honest and real and truthful-even when the feelings/circumstances are ugly and feel terrible-eventually pays off. And that life does move forward, whether we choose to participate or not.

Yes, lots of deep breaths.

15 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

I am SO proud of you.
For everything you're doing for your child and for confronting your mother's excuses. Whenever I have tried to do that, she always cries and says, "Do you know how this makes me feel?"

April said...

You're so awesome, Kori. Your ability to keep it together as much as you do is beyond commendable. I have every confidence that you and Hannah will both come out of this stronger people, no matter what happens.
And I love that image, too, of him ending up waiting in jail for his trial :)
I love you.

Mr Lady said...

I once shoved my mother up a flight of stairs and told her to never fucking touch me again. That was the last word I ever said to her, and you're right...it felt good.

The immediate is hard, the 20 years from now are going to be much better for Hannah than they ever could have been for you or I. This is right, it's okay, and you'll all get through.

FreedomFirst said...

Big hugs. I hope CF gets the slammer for the next two months, and I think it's very important for you to tell your Mom outright what you already know - that she failed you. No matter the reason, it doesn't change the outcome.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I've got nothing for you.

I just admire the fuck out of you.

justme said...

Between following your struggle with the justice system, and the struggle of my co-worker over the last 5 years, I never ceased to be amazed at just how JACKED UP our so called 'justice' system is...Just as you are having to do the work that WE as taxpayers are paying our law enforcement and 'justice' system to do, I have watched my co-worker have to do the same OVER and OVER again. These orders and protections are supposed to be in place to protect the victims, but more often than not, they are not followed through and the victim ends up doing the job of so many others. UGH!

You, as always, continue to amaze me with your strength and resilience...Maybe you may not feel strong and resilient, but you are. You had your breakdown, which you are entitled to, which you SHOULD and NEED to do, but now are again ready to face it, because you have to. And it's the right thing to do.

I hope, as you said, that Hannah can come to see that in the long run, confronting it now and head on will be the best strategy of coping with this very shitty, very very unfair event in her life.

I am putting it out there and hoping that the bastard gets to sit in jail and wait for his postponed trial.

((Hugs))

Ronda's Rants said...

I don't have any words to comfort you with...I just don't...I wish so very much that I did. Please know you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers...I am hoping God is making a way for this to be easier but we just don't see it now! I want to believe that Kori...because otherwise I just am so sad for you and Hannah...it isn't fair! Sending hugs!

Kerrie said...

Honey, any words I have seem so very inadequate. It is so damned unfair that he continues to violate the terms of his bail agreement and can sit in court and smirk while Hannah breaks down at home and wishes she hadn't told you...where the hell is the justice in that..??

I'm glad you confronted your mother, it does feel good indeed. I admire you so much for taking this stand for your family, it just seems so very wrong that the injured party are the ones who are treated so appallingly.

Sending my love across the miles, wishing I could do more.

Tara R. said...

I am so hoping karma kicks him in the ass, probation is revoked and he wallows in jail during the postponement.

You are amazing! If Hannah gets any thing from this, she gets that her mom fought tooth and nail for her, never ignored her and did everything you could to get her justice.

Lynette said...

I am so in awe of your strength...

Kel said...

Deep breath in, deep breath out. Try to take it one day at a time. I know its tough, but you've got a lot of friends all around who are here for you, who know how tough it can be, how effed up the system is and still are here to back you up and provide support if and when you need it. Don't turn back now...your in my thoughts and prayers.
~K

Ms Crazy Princess said...

Wow.. I don't know what to say other than we are ALL here for you and standing behind you and Hannah!!! 100%!!!!!!

A very very good friend of mine was molested by her step father.. and her mother had told her that if she didn't say it was a lie she'd never love her again... meanwhile, my friend is 27 now and her mother and this man are still married... it's sickening.

You are so strong and I am sooo completely moved by how much you love your children.. you are putting them first every step of the way and doing everything in your power for them to have a good life.. You are fucking awesome. Thank you for making a change and doing this... and Hannah.. wow.. she is such a BRAVE girl for putting this awful man to justice.. God Bless you both.

Rachael said...

Do you know just how amazing it is that you are helping break the cycle by supporting Hannah and standing up for her? It is absolutely amazing.

I know that it's hard right now, but I truly believe that as time goes on, Hannah will come to realize that she did the right thing, and that she will NEVER regret telling you what happened.

Life does go on, and all we can do is try our best. I think that you are doing a great job.

Shiona said...

I agree on keeping it together. Later on it will definitely be noticed. Way to go on confronting your mom. I need to read that book. Deep breaths definitely help.

Mrs4444 said...

You're such a great person and a great mom. I'm honored to be reading your blog :)