Deep Breaths

Deep breath here. I had my emotional breakdown last night, ranting (big surprise there, right?) and raving about how unjust the justice system really is, crying and crying about how sad and awful this really is; I also felt so defeated and hopeless that I thought maybe it would be in the best interests of everyone save HIM for the whole thing to be dropped. Of course, on the heels of THAT I also thought it would be perfectly reasonable to pack up all the kids in the middle of the night and simply move. Clearly I was in no way rational, just extremely emotional. Just like the idea of the trial, it was one thing to know that it would most likely be postponed, and even to rationally understand why the judge had to do it; another thing entirely to hear the words out loud and see the cocky son of a bitch smile. I am less emotional today, although tired to the bone and a little soul-sick. However, it is what it is. We can't do anything to change it, all we can do is sit it out and wait. Hannah is less able to see that, and it is her I am most concerned about; she also had her emotional outburst, and regrets telling me about what happened. I hope that with a few days of quiet she will be more able to process this setback and feel stronger. She does have counseling tonight, which seems to be a safe place for her to vent, and for that I am grateful.

We have also learned a few things that he has done which violate the terms of his bail (he is supposed to be on house arrest, but he was seen both by me once and by Jacquie and her husband once. Jacquie and Jim called him in but nothing was done; they were told that the papers the sheriff's office had did not prohibit him from being where they saw him), so today I have to call the PA and let him know that it was, in fact, reported but that nothing was done. I am unsure whether someone else dropped another ball and the Order of Clarification was not provided to all the law enforcement entities here, but I need to let the PA know that this is in fact occurring and find out what he intends to do about it, if anything. Although I am not hoping for anything, I can't fail to see the delicious irony if they pushed for a postponement and then bail was revoked, making him have to sit in jail for the next two months. The image alone is enough to make me chuckle.

Another deep breath. I talked to my mom last night, and she was commiserating and saying, " I know exactly how you feel, honey..." and I.fucking.lost.it. "No, mom, you DON'T; you might know how it feels to have a daughter molested but you certainly have no idea how it feels to stand up for her and go through all of this court shit, because you didn't do it!" That book I read talked a lot about confronting the parental unit and expressing your anger as being a very necessary part of healing, and that felt good. I can't beat my mom up about all of this, but at the same time she needs to know that no matter what her excuses were for not being any kind of a parent, excuses were all they were. And this part of it is about me and my inability to fully let this part of my past go; by continuing to justify and excuse and, yes, ignore the damage, I can't get better, and god, I am tired tired tired of being ruled by my past. I have always said that yes, we were all affected-for good or ill-by the things that happened when we were kids, but that at some point we have to take responsibility for ourselves and our choices. By getting and staying sober, by working my program to best of my ability, I have been able to do a lot of that work. However, confronting it head on, so to speak, feels necessary for the final barriers to be broken down and removed; even though it sucks, even though it is painful, and god knows it is SCARY to be angry with my mom, I think it is also good.

The thing is, no matter what happens, no matter what unfolds in terms of CF and court and blah fucking blah, life still goes on, or it should. My job is the same as it was before the postponement: to do whatever I can to help Hannah, to get for her the things I cannot provide, to stand up and be strong and brave and true. To show all of my kids that being honest and real and truthful-even when the feelings/circumstances are ugly and feel terrible-eventually pays off. And that life does move forward, whether we choose to participate or not.

Yes, lots of deep breaths.