Back in the public eye, so to speak, and I come in here this morning to find I have nothing of great import to say. I am feeling depressed today, for whatever reasons. Shouldn't be, really, because it is finally spring here, the trees all blooming and budding out, and I haven't had to wear a jacket for several days-that alone should be enough to make me sing with joy, because I can't stand to be cold, and from about September to April or May, I AM cold. Still, it isn't enough today.
I know part of it is the fact that I have a birthday coming up. It isn't the getting older that bothers me at all-after 35, it just doesn't matter much anymore (though when I hit 40 I might change my mind; ask me then). No, what bothers me is that it is just another day. We are going on Friday to watch an amateur theater group perform Cinderella, with my mom and grandma and sister, which will be fun-but if to celebrate my grandma's 82nd birthday, not mine. In fact, my mother hasn't even remembered that it is my birthday as well. I am not surprised, mind you, but it still hurts.
And being a single mom with no family around sucks. Last night Steve was asking me, "What are you doing for your birthday?" and it pissed me off. "Clearly nothing, " I responded, because he knows well that since he obviously isn't planning on anything, I won't do anything. Not because I CAN'T celebrate by myself, but really, there is nothing fun or birthday-ish about taking your kids to the store and giving them money to buy presents for yourself, nor is there anything birthday-ish about making arrangements to take myself and the kids out to dinner or buying your own cake. So then he said that HIS family is gathering at this local restaurant to celebrate his two sisters' birthdays, and maybe he can talk to his mom and see if it is okay if I tag along. The conversation didn't end well; I think I told him to fuck off or some other similar thing.
Grrr. I don't know. I am just in a pissy mood altogether these days. Which makes me much more sensitive to things that might not otherwise bother me, or heighten feelings of sadness or whatever. Tomorrow will be better, of that I am sure, simply because I will have gotten over this slump and started to get my shit together. I mean, birthdays are just birthdays, and in the greater scheme of things it really doesn't MATTER whether I do anything or not. Also, I don't really have an evening free this week anyway, so it isn't as if I am going to be sitting home sad every night. These feelings are just temporary, brought about by all of this OTHER emotional crap going on.
Upward and onward. I forgot to bring my camera today but I have all sorts of great pictures to upload, from Easter and later. We went on the first barbecue of the season on Sunday, so there are fun pictures of that, and taken as a whole things have been pretty okay lately. I want to say thanks to those of you who have been along for the ride lately; you are all pretty amazing people, you know that? I am a little annoyed at the hwole Private thing, though-because I had to just go in a delete those posts because there isn't a way to keep those ones private. Might be time for me to figure out how to switch to wordpress, I guess, becasue they allow only certain posts to be password protected.