I am sorry, there will be no Friday Fragments from me today. However, go on ahead and check it out at Half Past Kissin time. It is fun to read all the little snippets of things people put down.
The thing is, I am sick today. Sick at heart, sick of drama and problems and stress and tension. Just-sick. Last night, in the midst of an already tense evening, I got served with more papers. Yeah-another fucking creditor coming after me for a bill of my ex-husband's, one that was specified in that silly little Decree of Divorce that really doesn't mean anything as being HIS. This one isn't quite as high as the other one; only just about $1300 as opposed to $7000. Still and all, I don't HAVE $1300. Just like I didn't HAVE the $7000 that I am still paying off to the tune of 25% of my paycheck. It looks like there will be another garnishment in place soon, which means-get THIS-50% of my paycheck will be gone every month. Yes, you heard that right, 50%. Now, I know a lot of you readers are new, but believe me, I have already been down this road and 1.No, there is nothing I can do about it. Creditors do not have to adhere to the terms of a divorce decree. 2. No, I can't declare bankruptcy because my debt-to-income ratio isn't high enough (tried that already). 3. No, I can't find him and make him pay it because I don't know where he is and even if I gave him the papers and said, "Here," it still would not get paid. 4. No, I can't borrow the money from someone to pay it off. Have I covered everything? And I am not being snarky, because I know well that people are simply trying to offer suggestions-and if I hadn't already tried all of them and then some, I would be SO open to them. I just know that there isn't really anything I can do.
I did see that one of the local stores is hiring for part-time seasonal work in the greenhouse. I am going over there tomorrow to apply, in the hopes that they will hire someone who can only work evenings and weekends. No, it isn't ideal, no, I don't want Hannah to have the additional responsibility of raising the boys because I am gone all the time. Yes, it will cause MORE problems in the long run because it will raise my rent through Idaho Housing, my daycare costs will increase (both of those payments are calculated based on a sliding scale). No, I can't apply for any kind of public assistance because they only go by your income, not your expenses, so I don't qualify. I am out of options. Last year when I was having similar problems, someone who reads me offered me a potential job working from home, but it requires a computer and Internet, neither of which I have at home (I haven't been ignoring or blowing you off, Jess, I just didn't want to waste either of us' time by sending in my resume for a job that I knew I couldn't actually DO). The thing is, even though it IS going to cause more long-term problems, I just can't NOT do it. We are just barely making it already, skimping on groceries and already juggling the monthly payments; I can't NOT have another income coming in.
As if that were not bad enough, I made the mistake of sitting on the floor and sobbing last night after I got served the papers, which brought all four kids running to my side. After telling them what had happened, Sam lost it, and I had to deal with the same kind of fallout that I was experiencing with Hannah the night before. I spent a lot of time rubbing his back while he cried and telling him that I know he misses his dad and I know he loves him and it is the drugs that make him do the things he does...while inwardly I was seething. At the circumstances, at his dad, and at myself for not keeping a tight enough rein on myself to keep it from the kids. Heh. People wonder why we single moms are bitter. Anyway, I got him all calmed down and sung to sleep, and then poor Hannah freaked out about our meeting with the prosecutor this afternoon and the upcoming trial. I ended up giving her a sleeping pill at midnight last night and putting her to bed in my bed.
Last, but not least, this morning there was an article in the paper about the upcoming trial. This opens a can of worms that I didn't want open, and in fact have tried to keep closed so far as is possible. Since Hannah is a minor, her name is and will continue to be withheld, but now that HIS name is in the paper, people from AA will come just because it is him, and because they haven't known anything about it before and want to find out who the victim is. Remember, we live in a small area; this is right along the lines of a brand-new hit movie being released, only free and they have to bring their own popcorn. I have a sinking feeling that it is going to turn into something of a circus, and I didn't want that for Hannah. Fuck, I didn't want it for ANY of us.
I am not, in fact, sick, I guess. What I am is defeated.
***Adding a little to this post, the calls have already started to come in to Jacquie about the article in the paper. See, when I moved I took my numbers off the AA call list, so people can't call me, but know that Jacquie is my best friend so are calling HER for information about it. This is just fucking lovely. I NEED an AA meeting, but now that this is OUT I really am not comfortable going ; I just can't deal with the inevitable grilling. Especailly because I knwo that 85% of the people who express concern really don't give a shit, they are just being nosy. ALSO, and this strikes me as hilarious, my boss is on jury duty and he got picked so sit in the pool for this particular trial. Of course they aren't going to allow him to serve on the jury, but he has to report to the courthouse at 8:00 on Wednesday morning.***