Moving On and Photos

Moving on, I am over my depression of yesterday simply because there is nothing I can do about it. As I have said before, we all KNEW he wouldn't remain in jail, so it isn't as if I was surprised. I comforted myself last night by the mental image of CF having to go to work yesterday knowing that his face has been all over the news, and I got a chuckle or ten out of that one. This IS a small town/tri-town area, and yeah, people are going to know him now. Worth it, wouldn't you say? I have this secret hope, one so unlikely to come true that I am afraid to say it out loud-and the media coverage might help. So-upward and onward, right? When I told Hannah last night, she is SO much my daughter that she said, "Are you fucking kidding me?" And then was mortified that she actually SAID that in front of me. Normally I would chastise her for it; I allow them to say the more "mild" swears in front of me, but not the bad ones (and I actually try to do the same at home, FYI). However, her response was SO unexpected and funny (but not) that all I could so was laugh. We have weathered this little bump in the road and will go on from here.

The above photos are from my birthday and the weekend combined. Thank you, too, for all of the lovely greeting and cards and well-wishes both on mine and April's blogs. Also, thank you to April herself, and Freedom First for the e-gift certificates. I have already used them both, and did not buy a single thing for the kids. Thank you, again.

Another of my great friends, The Goth Mom, has generously offered me some of her web space, so I will soon be making the move to WordPress. I will of course let you know, and don't hold your breath-it is still very confusing and while I am having a lot of fun messing with it, I am in no way ready to make the big move. However, that is in the works. I am also planning a giveaway in the next few weeks (hard to believe, I know...), so look for that as well.

I will have you all know, though, that for all the deep breaths and the calming/centering exercises and practicing compassion (though I haven't even gotten close to feeling any compassion for CF!) I have been doing, I am pretty sure I will be ready to move into an Ashram within the next few months. Damn it, I even just ordered some goddamned incense; what the HELL is happening to me?

What Was That I Said About Victory?

So much for victory. He didn't even spend a day in jail. He was released yesterday. Fuck. This is all just a bunch of fucking shit. That's it-just a bunch of shit. That must mean his attorney already knew that an ankle monitoring device was likely and already had him start making the arrangements. Must be nice for the motherfucker to have access to all sorts of ready cash in which to make sure he faces no consequences, isn't it?

Hearing Update

Happy Monday! And a happy Monday it is indeed. While we did not get all we had asked/hoped for in court, it was still a victory. None of us actually had to testify, which is good, and the judge DID revoke bond, which is also good. CF is now in jail, but he can get out as soon as he obtains an ankle-monitoring device at his expense. Once that happens, he can go to the two AA meetings he regularly attends and to work, and that is it. I know, I know, it isn't fair, but this is something, and we feel like it is definitely acceptable. I have been looking online for info regarding the ankle monitoring device, but haven't been able to get much info. I hope it is hard to get, really expensive, and also extremely inconvenient for him.

That said, I think that I am going to have to do more private posts on occasion if I feel like I need to write about any of this. There were television cameras in the courtroom this morning, and I was mentioned by name during the hearing. It was all very tense and scary, and to err on the side of caution, I can't talk much more about it publicly. I think I have been pretty careful about making sure I am writing opinions and facts only, not mentioning his name and such, but still. If you haven't already gotten on my list for private invites, please do so now so that when I do a private post, you will get the invite.

Anyway, here's where I am now-grateful. Happy. Glad that we were heard and taken seriously.

Since ALL the Signifigant Court Dates Have Been on Someone's Birthday....

It shouldn't surprise me that I got a call from the Prosecutor's Office today. I mean, the preliminary hearing was on Hannah's birthday, and then trial was set to start on Eli's birthday. In fact, when I told April about it having been postponed until June, she was all like, "Well whose fucking birthday is on THAT day?" And yes, she said the F word; she isn't nearly as sweet and soft-spoken as she likes you to think (I love you!).

Today though? S. was calling to tell me that I need to be at court on Monday morning at 9:00. For another hearing. This time, though (drum roll please...) for a hearing to revoke CF's bail. Because he is supposed to be on house arrest and has violated those terms. Is this a guarantee that his bail WILL be revoked? No. But the fact that they have actually followed through on our police statements and set up a hearing means that they are, in fact, taking this seriously. I am not getting my hopes up thinking they will handcuff him and take him away right then; I am too cynical about the justice system for that. Hell, the judge very well could give him a verbal slap on the hand and tell him to not do it again, I don't know. But the very fact that we have this hearing? Makes me very, very happy indeed. Even if his bail isn't revoked, I hope that it really, really inconveniences him, and I also hope that he displays toward the judge some of the cockiness that he has shown to the public at large.

So there are many, many other things about which I would like to write, and I will tomorrow, but for now? I just can't stop smiling.

Why It's a Good Day

These are all reasons why today is a good day. I went out for my break this afternoon and ran into my friend P., the mother of my friend M. who died last month. It is the first time I have seen her since just two days after the services; she is a huge reminder of all that I DO have. And this woman-wow. All I can say is that she is amazing and inspirational and a wonderful example of a woman in recovery. She is so open about pain and hurt, and equally open about healing, and that is something I want to be more like. She didn't know yet that we had moved, and it is almost eerie. She lives two streets over is all from the new place, AND goes walking nearly every evening past.my.house. Is that odd or what? So with hope she will stop by and I can walk with her, make her tea, just BE there in some kind of way for her.

But yeah, I am pretty blessed. I feel a lot better about the whole birthday thing, mainly because there isn't anything I can DO about it. Steve and I talked last night about how he hurt my feelings; he did it AGAIN when he said, "So are you and Jacquie doing anything on your birthday?" so instead of stewing and second guessing and crying myself to sleep (and also instead of simply telling him to fuck off), I told him that my feelings were hurt, and that I have enough pain in relation to birthdays without him making it worse. Typically (he is a guy, right?) he was pissed and also confused, because he didn't get it. I think he does now; he told me that he had already told his boss (who also happens to be his brothers, as he recently changed jobs) that he needed to leave early tomorrow night since it is my birthday and was apparently planning something. We talked about how he sounded and what that meant to me ("tag a-fucking-long?"), and basically cleared the air. So yeah, that helped. Knowing that I can either stew in this resentment and make myself crazier OR just accept that this is how it is with my mom, how it is always going to be helps. Knowing that I will also get to see my grandma and my sister, whom I love, helps. Knowing that we will get to eat Chinese food NOT on my dime helps. So I am in a much better place today.

Of course, the biggest part of what helps is the fact that Mother's Day is coming up. Mother's Day Misery and Depression totally trumps Woman Who Still Craves Her Mother's Love Birthday Depression. So why in the hell am I getting all worked up about a birthday when the REAL crappy holiday for single moms is coming up? I need to save my angst and depression for the really big things. And a real special thanks goes out to April for reminding me of the upcoming day. The favor will be returned, when she is least expecting it.

Public Again

Back in the public eye, so to speak, and I come in here this morning to find I have nothing of great import to say. I am feeling depressed today, for whatever reasons. Shouldn't be, really, because it is finally spring here, the trees all blooming and budding out, and I haven't had to wear a jacket for several days-that alone should be enough to make me sing with joy, because I can't stand to be cold, and from about September to April or May, I AM cold. Still, it isn't enough today.

I know part of it is the fact that I have a birthday coming up. It isn't the getting older that bothers me at all-after 35, it just doesn't matter much anymore (though when I hit 40 I might change my mind; ask me then). No, what bothers me is that it is just another day. We are going on Friday to watch an amateur theater group perform Cinderella, with my mom and grandma and sister, which will be fun-but if to celebrate my grandma's 82nd birthday, not mine. In fact, my mother hasn't even remembered that it is my birthday as well. I am not surprised, mind you, but it still hurts.

And being a single mom with no family around sucks. Last night Steve was asking me, "What are you doing for your birthday?" and it pissed me off. "Clearly nothing, " I responded, because he knows well that since he obviously isn't planning on anything, I won't do anything. Not because I CAN'T celebrate by myself, but really, there is nothing fun or birthday-ish about taking your kids to the store and giving them money to buy presents for yourself, nor is there anything birthday-ish about making arrangements to take myself and the kids out to dinner or buying your own cake. So then he said that HIS family is gathering at this local restaurant to celebrate his two sisters' birthdays, and maybe he can talk to his mom and see if it is okay if I tag along. The conversation didn't end well; I think I told him to fuck off or some other similar thing.

Grrr. I don't know. I am just in a pissy mood altogether these days. Which makes me much more sensitive to things that might not otherwise bother me, or heighten feelings of sadness or whatever. Tomorrow will be better, of that I am sure, simply because I will have gotten over this slump and started to get my shit together. I mean, birthdays are just birthdays, and in the greater scheme of things it really doesn't MATTER whether I do anything or not. Also, I don't really have an evening free this week anyway, so it isn't as if I am going to be sitting home sad every night. These feelings are just temporary, brought about by all of this OTHER emotional crap going on.

Upward and onward. I forgot to bring my camera today but I have all sorts of great pictures to upload, from Easter and later. We went on the first barbecue of the season on Sunday, so there are fun pictures of that, and taken as a whole things have been pretty okay lately. I want to say thanks to those of you who have been along for the ride lately; you are all pretty amazing people, you know that? I am a little annoyed at the hwole Private thing, though-because I had to just go in a delete those posts because there isn't a way to keep those ones private. Might be time for me to figure out how to switch to wordpress, I guess, becasue they allow only certain posts to be password protected.

Going Private

Just wanted to let you all know that for a variety of reasons, I am going Private for a couple of days. Please email me if you would like an invite. For those of you who don't have my email, please comment and I will make sure you get it. Thanks for understanding, and this won't be a forever thing; I need those pennies from my ads too badly to be private for long. I mean, come ON, I almost have enough for a cup of coffee!

Friday Fragments

For more of these delicious little insights into the minds of some pretty amazing people, check out Mrs. 4444 over at Half Past Kissin' Time. Also, she gives out an award of sort for the best Friday Fragment, and I personally think it is worth the effort to try to get it just so my name would be on her blog. Because she is that cool.

**People say sea gulls are disgusting birds, but I would have to say that pigeons take the cake for me. There was another puker outside the bar the other night, and the pigeons have been rooting around for the choicest morsels. I may never eat poultry again.

**I didn't know Maddie Spohr at all, had never, in fact, heard of her until the last couple of days, and I can't read any more about her. Because it fucking sucks.

**There are lessons to be learned in every experience. Since November when my daughter was molested, the legal hassles and dealing with the slow-moving and unjust justice system, I have learned to control my temper and be conscious of my words-and how they might sound-in ways I never have before. This is a good thing, but a lesson I would rather not have learned in this manner, thank you very much.

**It is April's birthday today. She is such an amazing woman, and any of my regular readers know that I not only love her, but that she is as close to me as my own skin. I swear I do NOT know how I would have made it through the last couple of years without her in my life, and in fact I don't know how I managed without her before I knew her. I love you, April.

**In talking with my friend J. about the fact that CF is violating the terms of his release on bail, I said, "It isn't my job to get him in trouble." She replied with, "But it REALLY isn't your job to not get him in trouble." That made me think that on some level, I am still afraid of all of this. I mean, I know where he goes, I know that I could probably call him in at least twice a week, but my first reaction is to just stay away from that particular place. Even though that makes US the prisoner, not him. I thought I was taking the high road and being all, "I just have to let him dig his own hole," but in reality I have been in a sense protecting him. There is no high road here. Fucker. No more.

** Eli has delightful friends. Two of them came over last night and I overheard that E. has a way cooler mom than theirs. So they get to come back.

**I finally found a CD that I have been looking for for freaking EVER, and instead of using my gift card balance on the book Sam wanted, I ordered the CD. And now I fell guilty. WTF is wrong with me?


Okay, you have had a taste of MY sick mind, now head on over to see all of the others.

This Is NOT a Birthday Post For Eli

So my newly 15 year old Eli has forbidden me to write anything at all sappy and sentimental on the blog in honor of his birthday, so I am certainly not going to do it. Instead I will tell you that this kid sent me to the hospital twice to be pumped full of anti-labor drugs which made me sick and bitchy, he put me on bed rest for 6 weeks and was still born three weeks early, and even with all of that, even with his slow growth in utero and his just-less-than-6-pound body, his big round head ripped me wide open. So much so that it took me months and months before I could even contemplate a penis without wanting to run away holding my nether regions and screaming, "No! No!" I wonder is this is sufficiently NON-sappy?

The conversation in the car this morning pretty well sums up my relationship with Eli:

Hannah: There was a girl up on top of that cell tower yesterday. She was going to kill herself.

Eli: How did she they get her down?

Hannah: Her friends finally talked her into coming down.

Eli: How did they manage that?

Me: They threatened her with, "If you don't come down here we are going to kill you!"

Me and Eli: laughing hysterically to the point of wiping our eyes and being unable to look at each other for fear it would start up again.

Hannah: Huh?

Happy Birthday, kid. You are pretty awesome, and I am sorry that with everything else going on the last few months that you have been feeling a little neglected and a lot left out. I love you, I think you are turning into a mostly amazing young man, and if there was one small piece of advice I could give you right now, at this point in your life, it would be this: "Don't purposely "on accident fall" into a group of girls. You may not make it out alive next time. Love you.

Deep Breaths

Deep breath here. I had my emotional breakdown last night, ranting (big surprise there, right?) and raving about how unjust the justice system really is, crying and crying about how sad and awful this really is; I also felt so defeated and hopeless that I thought maybe it would be in the best interests of everyone save HIM for the whole thing to be dropped. Of course, on the heels of THAT I also thought it would be perfectly reasonable to pack up all the kids in the middle of the night and simply move. Clearly I was in no way rational, just extremely emotional. Just like the idea of the trial, it was one thing to know that it would most likely be postponed, and even to rationally understand why the judge had to do it; another thing entirely to hear the words out loud and see the cocky son of a bitch smile. I am less emotional today, although tired to the bone and a little soul-sick. However, it is what it is. We can't do anything to change it, all we can do is sit it out and wait. Hannah is less able to see that, and it is her I am most concerned about; she also had her emotional outburst, and regrets telling me about what happened. I hope that with a few days of quiet she will be more able to process this setback and feel stronger. She does have counseling tonight, which seems to be a safe place for her to vent, and for that I am grateful.

We have also learned a few things that he has done which violate the terms of his bail (he is supposed to be on house arrest, but he was seen both by me once and by Jacquie and her husband once. Jacquie and Jim called him in but nothing was done; they were told that the papers the sheriff's office had did not prohibit him from being where they saw him), so today I have to call the PA and let him know that it was, in fact, reported but that nothing was done. I am unsure whether someone else dropped another ball and the Order of Clarification was not provided to all the law enforcement entities here, but I need to let the PA know that this is in fact occurring and find out what he intends to do about it, if anything. Although I am not hoping for anything, I can't fail to see the delicious irony if they pushed for a postponement and then bail was revoked, making him have to sit in jail for the next two months. The image alone is enough to make me chuckle.

Another deep breath. I talked to my mom last night, and she was commiserating and saying, " I know exactly how you feel, honey..." and I.fucking.lost.it. "No, mom, you DON'T; you might know how it feels to have a daughter molested but you certainly have no idea how it feels to stand up for her and go through all of this court shit, because you didn't do it!" That book I read talked a lot about confronting the parental unit and expressing your anger as being a very necessary part of healing, and that felt good. I can't beat my mom up about all of this, but at the same time she needs to know that no matter what her excuses were for not being any kind of a parent, excuses were all they were. And this part of it is about me and my inability to fully let this part of my past go; by continuing to justify and excuse and, yes, ignore the damage, I can't get better, and god, I am tired tired tired of being ruled by my past. I have always said that yes, we were all affected-for good or ill-by the things that happened when we were kids, but that at some point we have to take responsibility for ourselves and our choices. By getting and staying sober, by working my program to best of my ability, I have been able to do a lot of that work. However, confronting it head on, so to speak, feels necessary for the final barriers to be broken down and removed; even though it sucks, even though it is painful, and god knows it is SCARY to be angry with my mom, I think it is also good.

The thing is, no matter what happens, no matter what unfolds in terms of CF and court and blah fucking blah, life still goes on, or it should. My job is the same as it was before the postponement: to do whatever I can to help Hannah, to get for her the things I cannot provide, to stand up and be strong and brave and true. To show all of my kids that being honest and real and truthful-even when the feelings/circumstances are ugly and feel terrible-eventually pays off. And that life does move forward, whether we choose to participate or not.

Yes, lots of deep breaths.

Court Update

The trial has been postponed until June 10th. The judge told me that he hopes I understand that he is really in a bind, and I said, "So is my daughter." and walked out of the courtroom.

When All Else Fails-a Photo Post

This is how we distracted ourselves over the weekend. If nothing else is working, get out of the house and live-that makes everything seem better.

There are other things to say but I am waiting to post anything signifigant until this afternoon or tomorrow. The short story is that there may or may not be a continuance on the trial. If there IS, it may or may not be as late as June before we go to trial. I have no idea at the moment what might happen, so can't even project. They are supposed to reconvene this afternoon and I should know more then.

And a special thanks goes out to the three people who went out of their way to call me over the weekend and this morning. I love you, and whether you know it or not you got me through. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The Hits Keep Coming

I am sorry, there will be no Friday Fragments from me today. However, go on ahead and check it out at Half Past Kissin time. It is fun to read all the little snippets of things people put down.

The thing is, I am sick today. Sick at heart, sick of drama and problems and stress and tension. Just-sick. Last night, in the midst of an already tense evening, I got served with more papers. Yeah-another fucking creditor coming after me for a bill of my ex-husband's, one that was specified in that silly little Decree of Divorce that really doesn't mean anything as being HIS. This one isn't quite as high as the other one; only just about $1300 as opposed to $7000. Still and all, I don't HAVE $1300. Just like I didn't HAVE the $7000 that I am still paying off to the tune of 25% of my paycheck. It looks like there will be another garnishment in place soon, which means-get THIS-50% of my paycheck will be gone every month. Yes, you heard that right, 50%. Now, I know a lot of you readers are new, but believe me, I have already been down this road and 1.No, there is nothing I can do about it. Creditors do not have to adhere to the terms of a divorce decree. 2. No, I can't declare bankruptcy because my debt-to-income ratio isn't high enough (tried that already). 3. No, I can't find him and make him pay it because I don't know where he is and even if I gave him the papers and said, "Here," it still would not get paid. 4. No, I can't borrow the money from someone to pay it off. Have I covered everything? And I am not being snarky, because I know well that people are simply trying to offer suggestions-and if I hadn't already tried all of them and then some, I would be SO open to them. I just know that there isn't really anything I can do.

I did see that one of the local stores is hiring for part-time seasonal work in the greenhouse. I am going over there tomorrow to apply, in the hopes that they will hire someone who can only work evenings and weekends. No, it isn't ideal, no, I don't want Hannah to have the additional responsibility of raising the boys because I am gone all the time. Yes, it will cause MORE problems in the long run because it will raise my rent through Idaho Housing, my daycare costs will increase (both of those payments are calculated based on a sliding scale). No, I can't apply for any kind of public assistance because they only go by your income, not your expenses, so I don't qualify. I am out of options. Last year when I was having similar problems, someone who reads me offered me a potential job working from home, but it requires a computer and Internet, neither of which I have at home (I haven't been ignoring or blowing you off, Jess, I just didn't want to waste either of us' time by sending in my resume for a job that I knew I couldn't actually DO). The thing is, even though it IS going to cause more long-term problems, I just can't NOT do it. We are just barely making it already, skimping on groceries and already juggling the monthly payments; I can't NOT have another income coming in.

As if that were not bad enough, I made the mistake of sitting on the floor and sobbing last night after I got served the papers, which brought all four kids running to my side. After telling them what had happened, Sam lost it, and I had to deal with the same kind of fallout that I was experiencing with Hannah the night before. I spent a lot of time rubbing his back while he cried and telling him that I know he misses his dad and I know he loves him and it is the drugs that make him do the things he does...while inwardly I was seething. At the circumstances, at his dad, and at myself for not keeping a tight enough rein on myself to keep it from the kids. Heh. People wonder why we single moms are bitter. Anyway, I got him all calmed down and sung to sleep, and then poor Hannah freaked out about our meeting with the prosecutor this afternoon and the upcoming trial. I ended up giving her a sleeping pill at midnight last night and putting her to bed in my bed.

Last, but not least, this morning there was an article in the paper about the upcoming trial. This opens a can of worms that I didn't want open, and in fact have tried to keep closed so far as is possible. Since Hannah is a minor, her name is and will continue to be withheld, but now that HIS name is in the paper, people from AA will come just because it is him, and because they haven't known anything about it before and want to find out who the victim is. Remember, we live in a small area; this is right along the lines of a brand-new hit movie being released, only free and they have to bring their own popcorn. I have a sinking feeling that it is going to turn into something of a circus, and I didn't want that for Hannah. Fuck, I didn't want it for ANY of us.

I am not, in fact, sick, I guess. What I am is defeated.

***Adding a little to this post, the calls have already started to come in to Jacquie about the article in the paper. See, when I moved I took my numbers off the AA call list, so people can't call me, but know that Jacquie is my best friend so are calling HER for information about it. This is just fucking lovely. I NEED an AA meeting, but now that this is OUT I really am not comfortable going ; I just can't deal with the inevitable grilling. Especailly because I knwo that 85% of the people who express concern really don't give a shit, they are just being nosy. ALSO, and this strikes me as hilarious, my boss is on jury duty and he got picked so sit in the pool for this particular trial. Of course they aren't going to allow him to serve on the jury, but he has to report to the courthouse at 8:00 on Wednesday morning.***

A Case of The Blahs

The night last night wasn't as quiet and fun as I had hoped. Hannah and I got into a discussion about her homework, which led to several hours of the silent treatment from her. Then I knocked on her door to tell her it was time to shower and found her crying; she had tried to call her dad again, to no avail, and she is heartbroken. I felt furious-not with her, but with him. And not just for letting her down one.more.time., but for leaving me to deal with the fallout. It surprises me that he is doing this, actually. Mrs. 4444 asked me if these was a snarky nickname for him somewhere in the blog and I actually had to think about it; no, I don't think there is, mainly because we don't generally have problems with him at all, not until this last year and even then not TERRIBLE like the last few months. Anyway, I just get tired of it, you know? Tired of being the one who is there consistently, day in and day out, providing everything they need physically and being The Stable One (okay, maybe stable is stretching it, but you get my drift), only to also be the least important person simply BECAUSE I am the one there. Grrrr.

Also, Fry Night wasn't as successful as it has been in the past, mainly because none of the kids wanted to participate. Nice. Steve and I went ahead and had catfish (which I had never had, and I didn't like it at all. It was too, I don't know-just icky) and Caesar salad, and the kids ate leftover pizza and burritos. Owen liked the fish, though, so he basically had two dinners. The brownies were, however, quite delicious.

I don't know. It wasn't a BAD night, per se, just-not a great one. I think we are all on edge right now to an extent, each of us feeling a wide variety of emotions, and I just tried really hard to be gentle with everyone. I was in bed by just after ten, which was lovely, but all in all, I am just suffering a case of the blahs right now.

I did call Hannah's counselor and let her know that the trial was on, so made arrangements with her to have a short session on Tuesday night for some last minute bolstering. I don't know that it will HELP Hannah, but I know it won't hurt, and I think I will feel better having her go in one last time for added strength. The rest will just have to fall into place, and I feel better taking some kind of action, no matter how small.

Yes, definitely the blahs. I don't even have dinner tonight planned-which is totally unlike me, but-ugh. Blah. Cold cereal and toast tonight, maybe.