Sigh....still waiting for that elusive grace....
And in the meantime, we got served new subpoenas last night and the trial date has been postponed until April 8-9. I don't know why yet, because it is only 8:30 here and the Prosecutor's office doesn't open until 9:00. I did leave a message but they don't return calls in a timely manner so I am not expecting any kind of an answer today.
This really messes things up. As afraid and upset as we have been about the upcoming trial, at least we knew it would be over for the most part at that time. It would be a bit of resolution, anyway, which is no small thing. Now, we have three more months of living like this, feeling sick and afraid and anxious, while CF gets to roam around free with not a care in the world. Three more months for the details to become less fresh in Hannah's mind, which improves their chances of getting him off. Three more months of living in some curious state of limbo, unable to ignore this huge, hulking thing hovering over us, yet having no choice but to keep moving forward as best as we can.
This also mean three more months of no help for Hannah, as the counselor will not get into any of the "real" work until after the trial. She and I already discussed this when we were there last week, which I posted about, but she really can't even talk to Hannah about "The Incident" because she can be accused of tainting Hannah's testimony. It fucking sucks ass hard that as a parent, I have to choose: I have to decide whether or not I am going to get Hannah the help she needs, which is obviously THE top priority, or whether I am going to make sure that son of a bitch gets what he deserves. I can see now why so many times these kinds of cases get dropped; it isn't due to lack of evidence, it is maybe because the parents get too tired of their kids hurting. When Hannah and I got our papers last night, she just went into her room and sobbed for a really long time; " I just want my life back," she said. "I am tired of being afraid!" Me too, baby, me too.
Oh. And get this. Remember how the preliminary hearing was on Hannah's birthday? The first day of the trial is on Eli's.
I am just too tired and discouraged today to get angry, to rail against how unjust this all is, to go off about how the criminals have more rights and freedoms than the victims do. It is there, but it once-removed, and I just can't get up the motivation to even give a fuck at this point, because like I said yesterday, it isn't going to change anything.
Of course, it doesn't help anything that there is all of this other personal shit going on at home, either. Suddenly not having a support person in Steve has made it worse, and there are things going on other people's lives as well, so I am just feeling very much alone in this right now. I went to the AA meeting on Monday but of course I can't TALK about this...and I really don't feel comfortable there right now anyway. Too many people know both CF and I, and I feel like I am walking on eggshells all of the time. Still, I make myself go, if only so that I have people who will hold me accountable for my actions, and honestly, so my recovery will at least be something CF can't take from me. I feel very lonely and isolated, which is not a good place for an alcoholic to be.
Seems like grace is taking a long time to show up.