I am feeling better today in that I am not so damned discouraged at the moment. For one thing, I was able to talk to S. from the prosecutor's office yesterday afternoon, and that helped. Not that it changed anything, but at least I know more what is going on. The reason they postponed the trial was because the defense wasn't ready (read: CF isn't yet ready to be assfucked by the general prison population), and the next available court opening was the one we got. For those of you who think living in a small town means a lower crime rate, think again. Also, the prosecutor is not backing down, but instead is going to use this time to try to make CF's prior conviction admissible in the trail itself as opposed to waiting for sentencing. S. was going to talk to the prosecutor about whether or not Hannah should be "allowed" to keep going to counseling, which is still fucked up in my mind, but at least she is aware and will, with hope, make the P. aware that Hannah is not, in fact, doing very well. None of us are, really, and I think it is important that he knows that.
Several of you had good suggestions yesterday for Hannah, and I want to tell you thank you. Hannah and I had already discussed her writing down all that she could remember, shortly after it happened, not so much so she would be clear on details (keep in mind that we initially thought it was going to be over far sooner than it is) but so she could have way to process everything. Writing for me is therapy in many ways, and my hope was that it would be for her as well. So we do have that, or rather she does, in her journal. Also, her initial interview was videotaped, and my guess is that she will have the opportunity to review that as well before she goes on the stand.
It isn't that anything has changed, and I don't feel anywhere near PEACEFUL and "okay" with everything exactly the way it is, but I do feel better, and that is no small thing. I do know that when I have the bad days, they will end and there are good days ahead, and that is also no small thing. It is a matter of time, always, before things DO change; maybe not in terms of the outside world or the things that happen, but inside, where it really matters. I am grateful to be able to see that, to be less sure that every dark, despairing day is going to last forever. Instead, it is more a matter of riding it out until it lessens.
There are also, as always, other things going on in my life which are wholly good. Like the fact that I got accepted as a contributor to the Rocky Mountain Moms Blog, which is just too coll for words. Now if I can just figure out what to write, we'll be in business. I also got my BlogHer ads up and running, and while it isn't going to make a dent so far as additional income goes, I still feel like one of the popular girls in school. Minus the blond hair and nice rack and cheerleader costume, that is. I have been writing, writing, writing, and hope to have my first article sent to the people whom I have coerced into being readers by next week...so life moves forward, whether there are days when I really feel stuck.
I have to sound like a total Mommy blogger here for a second, too. Owen has been so, so delicious the last few days that had I unlimited income, I would beg Steve on my hands and knees to have sex with me just long enough to give me another baby. He is funny, and suddenly dressing himself (oddly, but still by himself), and saying all of these crazy things like "I tell mommy on you!" when he is angry, or better yet, running into the kitchen or laundry room, plopping down on the floor and crossing his arms saying, "I be MAD." And then he turns around and says the sweetest things in the world, like our morning/evening conversations at daycare. "You come pick up me? In you car? And go home?" Yes, of course, mommy will always come pick you up in her car and take you home. "Mommy! You pick me up! In you car! We go home!" Yes, Owen, and why do I pick you up? "You yuv me." So you see, even when I am in the depths of despair, I really have it quite good, don't I?