I don't think I need to apologize for my lack of posting lately, and I can't even really give any kind of reasonable explanation other than that I just haven't had the inclination. Not a matter of not having anything to say, but instead a matter of having too much to say. So be it.
We have had an unexpectedly and wonderfully peaceful weekend, which has been much needed on so many levels. I have these amazing and wonderful friends who have been privy to the events of the last week, and they have nurtured and cared for all of us beyond any reasonable expectations. Jacquie and I went to dinner where I ate entirely too much of the wrong things (I have totally blown Weight Watchers this week; bygones.) and enjoyed every bite while doing so. We then went to AA, which was also an unexpected bonus; I hadn't thought I would be able to go. While there, I was able to talk with a couple of people whom I had been nervous about talking to, and all will be well with them. I got what I needed from the meeting and from being able to absorb the healing available, which is SO important.
After we left the meeting, we came over to Jacquie's house where I had the chance to talk with my friend Janet on the phone and receive some much-needed support, and then we (Jacquie, her husband Jim, and I) got into the hot tub and just sat. It was really the beginning of a period of rest, one we all needed. We have been here all weekend, and are just getting ready to head home today; we made it through the weekend, and are all the better for it.
I have and do talk about grace a lot, but I feel it again today. The unexpected lessening of worry and fear and anxiety, providing me with what I need to get through yet another really, really hard time. It is in the presence of friends who can and are willing to nurture me and my family with food and rest and companionship, even when I have nothing to say and certainly nothing to offer in return. It has come, too, in the unexpected form of Steve, who has managed to provide the exact right amount of support and distance. To show his support of me, he was at the meeting on Friday with me. I texted him (I borrowed Jacquie's phone to text; I haven't gotten so far as to cave in to the cell phone craze, I am not THAT fucked up yet!) on and off all weekend, but was not in a place emotionally where I wanted to TALK, and he was able to give that to me. The grace has come in the fact that because I have been surrounded by so much, I was able to have two full nights of uninterrupted sleep in a real bed, I was able to rest secure in the knowledge that there were people around for the kids to rely on, and all of that? It matters, so much.
We are headed back home on a few minutes, feeling rested and stronger and much more capable of dealing with the ball of shit life has handed us. How can I be anything less than amazed and awed by the fact that even in the midst of such sorrow and pain, we are given every single thing we need?