Daily we are surrounded by grace, even in the midst of sorrow and pain. Daily we are given the chance to live in the moment and see that for all of the bad, there is an equal or greater amount of good. Sometimes it is just a matter of changing your perception, of opening your eyes to things you maybe didn't notice before, or look for the good in everything. It is there, I promise you, no matter what it looks like from the outside.
This morning, I stopped for just a moment, needing to wake up Sam and get Eli to school and try to figure out a way to convince Owen that it is not necessary to immediately strip off and fling all items of clothing being put on him. I stopped-and Sam was nestled in his bed, just stirring, and I followed my impulse and climbed into bed with him. I rubbed his soft, bony little back and woke him up with sweet words, and felt filled with unutterable joy and peace. I have this-I have been given this, the gift of these four creatures, and there is grace and beauty in being able to love them.
As you all know, we have had some new trouble arise, trouble about which I can't speak right now. What I do know is that no matter how awful it is, it will be okay; whatever "okay" ultimately looks like for us. There is grace in that knowledge, that we are capable of getting through this process one step at a time, and will emerge stronger and more powerful at the end of it all. I know, too, that in order to be better than I am today, I have to follow this through, all the way, to the bitter end. Not for me, but for my kids, and for the example that my life sets, and... yes, for me.
I know that today, there is sunshine and warmth, that I can look outside and see the falling leaves and way the light shines on the windows, and I can be glad. I can be happy in knowing that in just a few short hours, we will all be safe at home together, with dinner cooking and baths being run. Today, and going to see the grace that comes from knowing how truly blessed I am.
And you are all part of that, whether you know it or not. I rejected an anonymous comment today, thinking, "Nope, I am not going there today." Instead, I am choosing to notice the beauty in your responses, your kind words and you heartfelt prayers, and there is grace in knowing that even though I can't tell you what is going on, you care enough to still send best wishes. Life is so beautiful, even amidst the crap.