It looks like my little cyber-stalker friend is back; I have enabled comment moderation again, of course, and to answer someones question, no, I don't KNOW this guy. He is just some freaky dude who is totally against AA and all it stands for. I just have to laugh, really, because he is so ridiculous. Believe me, if I am going to go to hell, there will be a lot more legitimate reasons than me going to AA. Just sayin'.
After I blogged yesterday, my day got appreciably better. Not that it was terrible to begin with, but I have been struggling with that crap for a long time, and it felt really, really freeing to say out loud that this is no longer something I hope for or even necessarily want. I do want to clarify, though, that it isn't as if I have been looking, and no, I don't think I need a man-I have lived without one for most of my adult life, 4 children notwithstanding. And, okay, I'll be totally honest here, I am not lacking for companionship-I have almost too many friends, and I choose to spend most of my time with my kids but I don't HAVE to. I have also had and will continue to have the opportunity to, um, as Mr. Lady has said, "take a walk" with several men of my choosing if I so desire, so it isn't as if I am taking a vow of celibacy. As I have said before, I am not unhappy, not as a rule; this "giving up" so to speak is mostly just verbalizing the life I already live.
***As an aside, none of this has anything to do with Steve, at least not directly. He is and always will be a huge part of my life, not just because he is Owen's dad but also because he is my best friend, and I love him. I think he is "the one," but I also know that there are a million other men in the world whom I could love and make a good life with. The fact that I love him so much does not mean it has worked for us, nor does it mean that I can't fall in love with someone else. Just so you know.***
Anyway, this is where things are today: it is gorgeous today, the sun shining so brightly that it hurts the eyes, shining on the rain-soaked trees and grass with an especial brilliance. I am down 1.4 pounds this morning, I am in the middle of doing my last bit of filing before the receptionist will take back over this morning, and life is good. Hard, yes, and scary, but also immeasurably good.