I want to not be here today. Not just here in my office, looking out at the crisp, clear day, but just-not here. Not in my skin, not in my house, not in my life. I have just gotten done talking to the kids about how no, we are not, in fact, being "picked on," but that things happen to lots of people all of the time, and it is just our turn. Finished telling them that even in the midst of great pain and confusion, there is beauty, and that really good things can come of really awful things if we are open to them. However, I am in one of those dark places where I am just not sure I can practice what I preach right now-hence the desire to just not be here. I know that running away solves nothing, so it isn't an option even were I serious, but of course the appeal is strong.
So I slog on. I fake it with the kids until they believe that somehow things are going to be okay. They believe in me, and yes, I know what a blessing that is, but it is also a burden. I am strong for them, and I don't let on that I am sick and worried and scared, and I pat them on the back and give them hugs and give them what they need and yet-well. At the end of the day, it's just me.
Seems like it hasn't been a very good year for us, doesn't it?