Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The Dating Game-Under 300 Pounds

So, a friend of mine who shall remain nameless (because she might not want people to know this about her) and I have been debating about whether or not we should start the whole dating thing. And thanks to Liz over at a bright future for THAT wonderful idea. Because we are both single moms with an already-full schedule, online dating seems both the easiest way to at least "meet" guys, so we thought we would both kind of try it. I even thought it was a GOOD IDEA, which just goes to show you how absofuckinglutely insane I am. Like that is a surprise.

So I went into that little Orkut thing offered by Google, and put some basic information in my profile. Then I went to the search option and Holy Hell, you would SO not believe some of the people on there! I saw penises galore (and one of them looked like it had to hurt him just to carry it around; no way would THAT ever get near me!), and men from other countries, and all sorts of odd ducks; all the while, I was thinking, "Oh, honey, maybe posting your photo isn't the best way for you to get a date," or things of that ilk.

But the BEST: I went into Craigslist (a note of caution: make sure you type that in correctly! If you forget the "s"after Craig, a porn site pops up) on her advice to check out the guys in HER area, and there was this totally great ad. The headline said, 'Must be under 300 lbs!" I don't know why, exactly, that made me laugh so hard, but really, what happened to the poor man to make THAT his criteria? So if someone 299 lbs. responded, he would still give her the old college try? What about 301 lbs; is that an automatic scratch? It is funny to ME, but I have a certain amount of sympathy for the guy.

At the end of the day, though, I remembered that I don't like to date. In fact, I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate the first date/first dinner/first kiss thing. I hate the idea of trying to sell myself well enough that someone wants to go out with me. I just-well, in case you hadn't gotten the drift, I hate it. Before I met Steve, I dated some, and I really suck at it. I don't do casual sex. I refuse to order a salad in order to impress a guy with my small appetite; for one thing, look at my ass-does it LOOK like I eat a lot of salad? Also, really, if I am going out somewhere for dinner, I am SO not going to waste the experience on a salad-bring on the bloody meat. I also am not willing to sit through one more uninteresting manly-type flick like "Die Hard." Just so not into it, and why pretend? Nor am I going to fall for the candlelight dinner by the water (if we had any here, which we don't. But you know what I mean), or the "I LOVE kids! Let's have a picnic at the park with them!" guy. Really, if you are THAT enthusiastic about spending time with my kids, you are probably a pedophile and I don't want to date you either.

All of this leads me to believe, then, that I am just not ready. If I were ready, there wouldn't be so many specifications (although I am thinking if I ever DO feel ready, I am so going to steal that guy's "under 300 lbs." line). I wouldn't be able to find so many reasons why I hate the whole idea, and I would certainly be more open and, I hope, less judgemental. So for now, ix nay on the dating thing.

And right now, I just can't see myself in a position of wanting to date. See, another big surprise, but I don't like men very much. No, wait, that isn't true, I LOVE men, and know some really great ones, but I don't especially trust men. I swore after my ex left me that I wouldn't ever open up my life to someone again, but then I met Steve, and I got pregnant, and thought I would give him a chance; and in doing so, fell in love hard. Opened myself up to feeling things I have literally NEVER felt before, and then I got totally trampled on. So no, I can't see myself ever allowing myself to get there again. I still love Steve, even when I know it isn't going anywhere, even though I know there are a lot of valid reasons why I couldn't be with him even if he wanted to be with me, which at this point he doesn't. But knowing that I am making decisions based on what is best for me and my kids doesn't make it any easier, nor does it make the pain any less. And I don't want to go on dates to try to make me "get over him." I have tried the rebound relationship thing in the past, and it has just caused more problems.

However, I don't think I am going to be able to resist peeking through the ads now and again; I am just amazed and stunned and amused (and in some cases, afraid) at how crazy some people are, and for some reason, I want to see more of THAT. Just like a car wreck, dude-I can't keep driving by without slowing down to look at least once!


Xbox4NappyRash said...

oh Jesus stay away from online hook ups...

1 success story in 1000.

great entertainment though.

April said...

Some of these guys make our exes look like saints, huh?

Tara R. said...

I can't imagine trying to get into the dating scene again. Nope... I'm with you on that.

Pixelation said...

1 in a 1000 is an exaggeration.

I used to hang around OKCupid because there were a lot of personality tests that interested me. The scary part was seeing my 'matches' and realizing that my personality is a little peculiar for the general Web site.

One of these days, though, the Web will be the norm for how people meet to date... probably.

JT said...

speaking of sizes..........a friend of mine had to send me a link to some russian guy, who just made you cringe and curl up in a ball to see. So not coming within even 20 miles! ow ow ow ow. But yeah, stay away from the net for dating. Not even worth trying to develop a relationship that way.

BusyDad said...

OMG UR Totl HAWTNESS. Wanna chat?

(just warming you up Kori, in case you decide to jump in. I wouldn't want you pulling your mouse clicking finger)

Killlashandra said...

Yeah, I have to agree if you ever want a laugh and a giggle the looking for classified ads are the best. I haven't read through a lot of online ones.

I admit I did list a profile with nerve a long time ago but nothing I read compared to what you found. LOL