Thursday, May 1, 2008

Pissed Again-or Still

I tell you, I am pissed off at everything today. Logged in to my blogger account to check out the analytics and made the connection that the only time I get decent traffic to my site is when I am involved in some kind of controversial "discussion" and am pissing people off. Otherwise, when I am writing about real life stuff, nobody (or, okay, I have like 6 regular readers) reads my blog. So if I am being the angry, cursing, opinionated bitch that I certainly CAN be, people like me, but if I am being my normal self and expressing feelings and thoughts about my own life, they don't? WTF?

I swear, if one more person, in real life or blog land, tells me I need to look on the bright side, join a group to meet people, or anything else like that, I am going postal. Really. One of the suggestions recently-and yes, I am well aware that the intentions were nothing but good (or at least I am choosing to think they were)-was to have my kids join FHA or 4 H or something like that in order to meet people, and I am like, WTF? Because let's see: my 15 year old daughter is very active in two different church youth groups, my oldest son is in track and cross country as well as one church youth group. Middle son is in Scouts and baseball in the summer. Why in the name of God would I want them to be active in anything else? I don't have time for the things they ARE in, much less for adding another one. Do you know how hard it is when all three of them happen to have an activity on the same day? I cannot choose which one of them is more important, so I don't go to any of them-because I also have a full time job and a toddler. I am an equal opportunity parent: all three of the older ones feel neglected at the same time. I have found that it really cuts down on the "You love so-and-so more than me" complaints.

And another issue with this is that I have an abundance of people and activities involving my kids in my life. Really. Yes, I have four children so being a mother is a huge part of my identity; how could it NOT be? But Jesus, guys, has it ever occurred to anyone that maybe there is more to life than just being a mom? Why does every little thing have to do with the kids? Call me a bitch, but I have no desire to spend all of my time around people whose only interest is their kids. Nor do I have any desire to try to squeeze one more kid-oriented activity into an already packed schedule in order to spend even more time with women who popped out a couple million brain cells along with their kid. And last, I live in a rural area where the words "single mother" may as well be "the Devil's Woman." Yes, there are a lot of other single moms here, but they aren't hanging around with those other women, either-after awhile, it gets to be a lesson in futility, because in their narrow little minds, we were supposed to stay married or get married at all costs, and even amongst otherwise intelligent, thoughtful people, there is the underlying implication that somehow we husband less women fucked up.

See, the whole situation is a catch-22; we try to reach out and get help, from our real life friends and our little blogland friends, but that doesn't happen. Instead, we get the "count your blessings" lecture, or the "look on the bright side," or "better to be alone than in a crappy marriage" lectures, which isn't what we need or want. Which just makes it that much harder to ask for help or believe that people really do give a shit about each other. Which also increases the feelings of isolation and anger. It's a vicious circle. I do count my blessings every day-I have a lot in my life to be thankful for. And believe me, I do look on the bright side; otherwise, I'd have killed myself a long time ago. At the same time, I am also a realist; doesn't matter a bit how you think things should be, what matters is how it really is. And at the moment, it really is shitty. Does this mean I am going to totally lose my marbles any more than I already have? No. It just means I am having a not-very-great-time of it all at the moment. We all have them; I just think that too many people-and I have certainly been guilty of this is the past-are so fucking concerned with how they appear to the world that they don't want to say out loud that life really sucks sometimes. I do believe that I have a basically good life. That, however, does not mean I can't get down about things, either. Having happiness does not negate the fact that sad, ugly, hurtful things happen.

Angry? You bet your ass I am. And I am so done with trying to be the bigger person, to see both sides of the story, to be more generous and kind. For me, there are no longer two sides. I think most men are real assholes, and you women who have those really great husbands out there and the 2.5 kids and the beautiful golden lab? You are lying, to yourself and everyone who reads your blog. One of you is probably out fucking the neighbors' wife (or husband) while the other one secretly drinks vodka in the closet. A little tip? From experience? Vodka is NOT odorless-don't let the TV ads fool you. I also think that we women get screwed almost daily by different things, but I am also sad and ashamed to admit that for many of us, it is our fault. So if you don't care about it enough for YOUR sake, do it for mine. Stop. Really. Just stop pretending to everyone that your life is so great. I mean, those people who say, "Oh, we never fight!" are the same kinds of people who clean the house obsessively or have drug problems. Stop pretending that you don't think, that you don't have an opinion, that your spouse or partner or boss or kids or the neighbor who keeps letting her dog shit on your lawn doesn't drive you insane sometimes. Stop pretending that it fucking matters where you got your hair done and whether or not your nails are the right color. And if those things really DO matter, if they are that important to you, seek help. Really.

But hey, since my real life isn't at all what any of you are interested in-unless it is to give cheap advice and a "don't worry, be happy " lecture. I am going to experiment a little in the next couple of days. Since I have kids, and this is labeled as another one of those stupid "Mom blogs," I am just going to write about the kids. You guys are going to hear every single minute detail about every wonderful thing they do, because they are my kids, which of course means they are perfect and wonderful and kind and are basically the world's best kids. I won't write anymore about the fact that sometimes they fight so much that I want to run out of the house screaming, or that it really hurts sometimes to see them in their holey shoes and socks that are never quite white and the jeans that just aren't quite long enough. I won't write anymore about being lonely, because apparently that isn't an okay thing to admit to out loud. I am just going to go on and pretend that there is nothing at all wrong with my life because hey, I should just be happy and count my blessings, right?

16 comments:

April said...

Don't you DARE turn this blog into a place for you to "count your blessings!" Not to say, of course, that you can't post some happy shit every now and then, but I NEED you to keep doing what you're doing. I need to have as many co-horts out there, telling it like it is. If I just wanted to hear about how friggin' happy people are all the time, I'd stay over at you-know-where!

Tara R. said...

Amen, amen, amen... I refuse to be perky just to make someone else feel good. If I feel shitty, then shitty it is! Make no excuses, take no prisoners! Rant and I'll rant with you!

Kori said...

April: I won't, not forever, anyway! And hey, we are in this together, probalby more so than most married couples are, so I won't let you down! :)

Tara: Thank you! more than you know! Thanks for not being brainless and also for not wearing rose-colored glasses!

FreedomFirst said...

Lol. You rock, Kori. Just know that. I don't feel too upbeat myself right now, but it sounds like you're tired of hearing upbeat anyway, hehe. So here's a hug..........

The Immoral Matriarch said...

Umm...sorry but my husband is great, my kids are awesome and our two boxers are wondrous. And neither of is cheating or drinks.

So there.

The Immoral Matriarch said...

Now was it obvious how full of shit that comment was?

I want to chop my husband's head off today, the boxers fucking stink and I wanted to lock the door behind my girls when they went outside to play in the yard.

I feel you.
Totally.
I will say this though: be happy that you can blog about what you want. I'm regulated to keep my craptastic marriage out of the public eye, lest they see the asshole he really is.

Anonymous said...

That's the point of a blog (in my opinion) to vent about whatever you want. Glad to see you're keeping up the standard. Well done!

citizen jane said...

I'm giving you a standing ovation -- literally -- in front of my computer.

I'm cranky more times than not because of shit life throws me and am also sick of the brainless platitudes people blithely throw at you trying to placate you so that they can feel better. Utter. Bullshit.

Thanks for being so candid and honest and for verbalizing things that we all feel but often aren't willing to admit.

Mr Lady said...

If you ask me how to cure diaper rash, I will give you advise. Otherwise, I promise to never advise you. I don't write MY blog to get advise, and I don't think you do, either.

That said, I think that (for me, at least) the blog isn't about my Grand Total Summation of Life. It's about one angle of it. Is my whole world my kids? Hell no. Is my whole blog my kids. Indeed it is. Do I love my husband? Yes. Is he a raging alcoholic? You bet your ass he is. I just choose to not write about that stuff; it's not where I'm going with my blog. When I have to, I do. God knows I have, a great length. But it's not my everyday stuff.

I try to read most people's blogs keeping that in mind. It's a telescope view, not the whole thing.

So, point is...word up to you for keeping it real. And it takes a long time to build an audience. I've been blogging for almost 4 years, and I just now have a small group of readers. Just write this thing for YOU, sister. It's more fun that way. (Shit, I just gave advise. Sorry. :)

cablegirl said...

Ok, first off, Kori I love your blog the way it is. Please, for the love of all you hold sacred, do not make this place a happy go lucky, all is well, silver lining bullshit blog. And honestly, I don't care how cute someone's kids are. If their blog is nothing but "look at my kids" I rarely read more than one or two posts in a lifetime.

So, chin up. it will get better. *duck* (swing and a miss, sista! lmao)

JT said...

LOL, don't you dare change a DAMN THING! Parent and woman alike, I need someone with the balls to spit it out and dare anyone else to say otherwise. I come here for the relief and knowledge of not being alone out here, you keep sharing, we'll keep reading.

Caffeine Court said...

Hey-just found your blog. I LOVED Maria's comment. I have relatives who regulate my blog. They are a complete pain in the ass. I wish I had never told them about it, because everytime I vent they call my husband and ask what's wrong-so damn annoying. I can't stand it.

I love that you speak the truth. It's refreshing.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I've had semi similar conversations with a couple of other bloggers.

WHY do you blog? for the traffic? cuz if you do I can give you a hundred tips how to get it.

but you don't, and you know you don't, you blog and write what you do because you have to, it's you, it's your release.

It's not a fucking infomercial.

Your blog CAN be difficult to read, because you ARE angry sometimes, some people don't like it, even me, a right miserable bastard, has to pick and choose when I can read here for any considerable time, but do you really care?

No, and you shouldn't.

Write what you know, what you see, what you live , and all the shit that comes along with it.
THAT'S why I DO sneak back here in the dead of night and secretly wish I could be so honest.

Write real.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Oh, AND...in my reader you are in my 'Other' folder, not my 'Gals' folder

Killlashandra said...

Wow, sorry. I didn't mean to add stress make you go postal. I had actually added you to my rss feed to stay in touch...

BusyDad said...

Know why I blog about my kid? Because he's the one thing 100% RIGHT in my life. What Mr. Lady said is totally true. Our blogs are but a little piece of our lives. The one thing we WANT to share with everyone. It's your blog, your call. Always. So rant away. If you want me to sit with you and shout "motherfuckers!" I will! Cuz I can do that - as well as I can write funny happy stories.