I tell you, I am pissed off at everything today. Logged in to my blogger account to check out the analytics and made the connection that the only time I get decent traffic to my site is when I am involved in some kind of controversial "discussion" and am pissing people off. Otherwise, when I am writing about real life stuff, nobody (or, okay, I have like 6 regular readers) reads my blog. So if I am being the angry, cursing, opinionated bitch that I certainly CAN be, people like me, but if I am being my normal self and expressing feelings and thoughts about my own life, they don't? WTF?
I swear, if one more person, in real life or blog land, tells me I need to look on the bright side, join a group to meet people, or anything else like that, I am going postal. Really. One of the suggestions recently-and yes, I am well aware that the intentions were nothing but good (or at least I am choosing to think they were)-was to have my kids join FHA or 4 H or something like that in order to meet people, and I am like, WTF? Because let's see: my 15 year old daughter is very active in two different church youth groups, my oldest son is in track and cross country as well as one church youth group. Middle son is in Scouts and baseball in the summer. Why in the name of God would I want them to be active in anything else? I don't have time for the things they ARE in, much less for adding another one. Do you know how hard it is when all three of them happen to have an activity on the same day? I cannot choose which one of them is more important, so I don't go to any of them-because I also have a full time job and a toddler. I am an equal opportunity parent: all three of the older ones feel neglected at the same time. I have found that it really cuts down on the "You love so-and-so more than me" complaints.
And another issue with this is that I have an abundance of people and activities involving my kids in my life. Really. Yes, I have four children so being a mother is a huge part of my identity; how could it NOT be? But Jesus, guys, has it ever occurred to anyone that maybe there is more to life than just being a mom? Why does every little thing have to do with the kids? Call me a bitch, but I have no desire to spend all of my time around people whose only interest is their kids. Nor do I have any desire to try to squeeze one more kid-oriented activity into an already packed schedule in order to spend even more time with women who popped out a couple million brain cells along with their kid. And last, I live in a rural area where the words "single mother" may as well be "the Devil's Woman." Yes, there are a lot of other single moms here, but they aren't hanging around with those other women, either-after awhile, it gets to be a lesson in futility, because in their narrow little minds, we were supposed to stay married or get married at all costs, and even amongst otherwise intelligent, thoughtful people, there is the underlying implication that somehow we husband less women fucked up.
See, the whole situation is a catch-22; we try to reach out and get help, from our real life friends and our little blogland friends, but that doesn't happen. Instead, we get the "count your blessings" lecture, or the "look on the bright side," or "better to be alone than in a crappy marriage" lectures, which isn't what we need or want. Which just makes it that much harder to ask for help or believe that people really do give a shit about each other. Which also increases the feelings of isolation and anger. It's a vicious circle. I do count my blessings every day-I have a lot in my life to be thankful for. And believe me, I do look on the bright side; otherwise, I'd have killed myself a long time ago. At the same time, I am also a realist; doesn't matter a bit how you think things should be, what matters is how it really is. And at the moment, it really is shitty. Does this mean I am going to totally lose my marbles any more than I already have? No. It just means I am having a not-very-great-time of it all at the moment. We all have them; I just think that too many people-and I have certainly been guilty of this is the past-are so fucking concerned with how they appear to the world that they don't want to say out loud that life really sucks sometimes. I do believe that I have a basically good life. That, however, does not mean I can't get down about things, either. Having happiness does not negate the fact that sad, ugly, hurtful things happen.
Angry? You bet your ass I am. And I am so done with trying to be the bigger person, to see both sides of the story, to be more generous and kind. For me, there are no longer two sides. I think most men are real assholes, and you women who have those really great husbands out there and the 2.5 kids and the beautiful golden lab? You are lying, to yourself and everyone who reads your blog. One of you is probably out fucking the neighbors' wife (or husband) while the other one secretly drinks vodka in the closet. A little tip? From experience? Vodka is NOT odorless-don't let the TV ads fool you. I also think that we women get screwed almost daily by different things, but I am also sad and ashamed to admit that for many of us, it is our fault. So if you don't care about it enough for YOUR sake, do it for mine. Stop. Really. Just stop pretending to everyone that your life is so great. I mean, those people who say, "Oh, we never fight!" are the same kinds of people who clean the house obsessively or have drug problems. Stop pretending that you don't think, that you don't have an opinion, that your spouse or partner or boss or kids or the neighbor who keeps letting her dog shit on your lawn doesn't drive you insane sometimes. Stop pretending that it fucking matters where you got your hair done and whether or not your nails are the right color. And if those things really DO matter, if they are that important to you, seek help. Really.
But hey, since my real life isn't at all what any of you are interested in-unless it is to give cheap advice and a "don't worry, be happy " lecture. I am going to experiment a little in the next couple of days. Since I have kids, and this is labeled as another one of those stupid "Mom blogs," I am just going to write about the kids. You guys are going to hear every single minute detail about every wonderful thing they do, because they are my kids, which of course means they are perfect and wonderful and kind and are basically the world's best kids. I won't write anymore about the fact that sometimes they fight so much that I want to run out of the house screaming, or that it really hurts sometimes to see them in their holey shoes and socks that are never quite white and the jeans that just aren't quite long enough. I won't write anymore about being lonely, because apparently that isn't an okay thing to admit to out loud. I am just going to go on and pretend that there is nothing at all wrong with my life because hey, I should just be happy and count my blessings, right?