Christmas Eve Post

In a few short hours, my kids and I will be in church with Janet and Rob; their church is a simple one, with old wooden pews that have been burnished with years of sliding into them, standing up, kneeling. It will be dark outside, so the sun can't shine in through the stained glass windows, but there will be candles and the secret smell of people congregating to celebrate this season. We will pray and sing, and I will go to the front and kneel to have that smooth, sweet wafer placed on my tongue, and I will stay there for a moment with my head bowed in gratitude and humility.

Tonight we will be at Steve's, and we will eat dinner-we have a tradition now, of smoked pork chops and snack foods and, of course, milk and cookies-and watch a Christmas movie of some sort before the kids are all reluctantly tucked into bed. Tonight, too, I will be able to set out presents; presents sent to us by people I don't even know and people whom I know and love, all because of this crazy blogging thing I started a year or so ago. There will be the coveted Easy Bake Oven for Sam from Santa, complete with an apron that Jacquie decorated for him and several additional mixes-paid for with gift cards sent by some of you. There will be candy, and stocking stuffers, and gifts under the tree in amounts they have quite literally never seen before. I truly do not have the words to let every one of you know how thankful I am for all of you-the surprise and wonder on all the kids' faces has been a sight to see, and I wish every one of you would be able to be there to see what you have given them. Given us.

It isn't about the presents; it is about people who have reached out and showed us love and support. People who have, in my opinion, gone out of their way to be of service to someone else. To us. Not because they feel sorry for us, not because they pity us, but because they simply want to make it better for us this year. I know some of my readers don't believe in God or a Higher Power of any kind, and that is okay-but to me, this is evidence that God works in my life. You can't know how much of a relief it has been to not have to have the constant, gnawing worry about money always there. You can't know just how huge it has been to be able to take time off for the ongoing situation with Hannah and have to count the financial cost; you can't know how overwhelmed and grateful I feel for the fact that this huge group of people has made it so I can clearly concentrate on being there for my family in the midst of the turmoil and uncertainty of things.

And tonight, I will say a prayer for every one of you. That your holiday will be as blessed and full as mine will be, that you go to bed feeling peace and joy and wonder. That you will rest in the knowledge that there are a lot of really, really good people out there, and that you are not alone. I will pray for certain ones of you to have a moment or two of true grace, for others to have blessed, much needed solitude, for one in particular to have really great, impregnating-type sex. I pray for the babies growing in several of you right now, and for the kids some of you already have. And for each one of you, I pray for you to feel just the tiniest bit of what I am feeling today, and know that you are loved.

And this? THIS is for April.

Happy Holidays!!!!!!