I think I just bent over and got nailed up the ass by the universe, I really do. With no foreplay, either. Although perhaps the awful things that have occurred in our lives the past year were, in fact, some sort of extended foreplay designed to get me prepared for the ultimate in ass fucking? I don't know; all I know is that it hurts.
The hits keep coming, folks. I am sure some of you remember when the whole wage garnishment thing came about, and I had to deal with 25% of my check being garnished to pay one of the ex's many creditors, right? And you remember that I have a friend who was willing and able to help me out on a monthly basis until it was paid off in order to keep my bills paid? Well, due to shitty circumstances in her own life, she cannot do that anymore; I understand completely, of course, and I hate that SHE feels so terrible about it, but it was a blow for me (and yes, she knows that, I am not telling tales out of school here). And now I don't know what to do. I talked before about Christmas and now I'm all like, well to hell with that, I have to worry about paying my bills.
****There are those who have helped out, and I want to say thank you, but I can't use it for Christmas now. Which I know was the intention. So I need for all of you to email me because I don't have all of your email addresses and I feel like shit for not using it as it was intended, and owe you apologies.*****
So what I need now from you all are suggestions. I am back to having to do the second job thing, and I need some ideas. Babysitting someone else's kids in my home is NOT an option; neither is housecleaning (I don't even clean my own fucking house) nor a paper route. So if you guys can keep your minds open for me and send some ideas my way, I would appreciate it. Keep in mind that I have neither computer nor Internet at home (though my dad may be working on a PC for me), also. I had thought about some kind of writing gig, but then I remembered that I have no contacts, no network there, and that most of the time, you are thrilled to be "published," and payment is rarely an option. So I kicked that one out the door ASAP. Anyway, please let me know if you have some thoughts on that.
I am not sure how the housing thing is going to work out, either. I am afraid that I may have to give up my place on the list, which fucking sucks. And no, this isn't the emotions talking, this is something I have been thinking about from every angle there is and this is the one that makes sense. With all of this other stuff going on, the newly-urgent money situation and the ton of extra time I am already taking off of work to deal with the stuff going on with Hannah, as well as additional expenses associated with that, there is just no way I can afford even a slight increase in rent and utilities. Another dream, gone.
I haven't talked to the kids about this yet, about the whole Christmas thing or the housing thing or the second job thing. I am going to talk with Steve tonight about taking Owen for Christmas because even though we have always all spent it together, Steve has already gotten Owen a ton of stuff and I am so NOT going to make the older kids watch him open stuff while all they have are their stockings filled with, you know, stocking stuffer shit.
I spent a long time on the phone last night with April, and that was lovely and just what I needed. I felt strong last night, but this morning, I realize that what I really am is just done. So many times in my life I have prided myself on having the ability to pick myself up off the ground, brush off the dust, and keep moving. However, I am not sure I can do that this time. It has been too much, this whole long year, and I think maybe it is time to just accept that this is what life really is about. It isn't going to get any better; instead, it is a pile of shit with some really, really beautiful moments thrown in, and maybe it is time I accepted that those moments are really all there is. I don't mean that in the sense that I am going to whack myself because life is shit (besides, April has told me quite simply that I cannot leave HER alone, so there you go!), but in the sense that-well. Just that life is shit, and I have to take those moments because that's all I get.