A Beam of Light

Happy Monday! I just got off of the phone with the prosecutor, and I will toot my own horn here by saying that I was very calm and reasonable, prefacing the conversation with, "I have a few questions that I hope you can answer for me...." and proceeded to tell him what had transpired on Friday. Without yelling or crying, which is HUGE (for me). He was noticeably upset, and is going to try to figure out who dropped the ball and why. The big hope is that he will be able to set a hearing to revoke bail, but no one really believes that will happen. Instead, the best case scenario is that he can make sure the order is much more specific and anything from this point on will count against him. This is what I appreciate about the prosecutor: he was very honest and said, "I will do what I can in between court cases, but you will most likely not hear from me until later this afternoon or first thing in the morning." I like the honesty, even if it isn't what I want to hear. Because I want answers NOW, damn it!

So I made that call first thing this morning, and a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders just for having talked to him. I have little faith in the justice system, and I do not like having to rely on them for much of anything, but at the same time, it is all I have. As much as I would LIKE to, I cannot take matters into my own hands, and I can't fix this. I have no control over the outcome, so instead just have to do what I need to do, stay as informed as I can, and try to be the best advocate for Hannah that I can.

In other ways, though, it was a good weekend, and I feel like I am stronger today than I have been in a little while. Steve and I talked about Christmas and it looks like we are ALL going to be together, which will be really, really nice. In the past we have stayed over on Christmas Eve and opened presents together in the morning, but I wasn't sure what it would be like this year with all that has gone on between he and I. So I will get to have all of my kids around me this year, which is what I need and want. The kids were asking me last night what I wanted for Christmas, and I said, rather wistfully, that I just wanted to be with the people I love, with them and with Steve, and not an hour later Steve brought Owen home and we talked about it-is that God working again? I don't know, but I just feel incredibly blessed and grateful, for this, of course, but for a thousand more things that I can't write about at the moment.

I know I will have more bad days, I know that the road with Hannah and the whole court thing and all the other ramification is going to be a hard, long one, but for the first time it feels like that little beam of light isn't wavering as much. I wouldn't go so far as to call it hope, not yet, but at least I can see a little bit now.