I am back at work today feeling so tired that I can hardly keep my eyes open. I didn't sleep well at my sister's house at all, so started the day off yesterday feeling just like this, and for some reason I couldn't sleep last night either. I know it was after midnight when I finally fell asleep, so I feel much the same today. My head feels stuffy and dull, and my eyes are burning. I don't think I passed my test yesterday, either, which doesn't help matters any. I just feel dull today all the way around, to be truthful.
Have to get out of this slump, but I don't know how. I sometimes worry that I am truly insane and need put away. I have days where everything is fine and I am able to see the joy and beauty in the most simple of things, then other days I wake up and think, "Now just what is the point in all of this?" Not in the sense of "oh I want to die life is so pointless," but just a generalized feeling of futility to it all. I at least know well that these feelings are just that-feelings-and that they will pass, it is just the getting through them that is difficult.
Okay, so here is part of it. My sister went to our old hometown with some friends, and stopped in to see mom. And mom was all sorts of upset and angry because we had all neglected her on Mother's Day and her birthday. Which is true; I sent her a dual-purpose card, but didn't go see her, and don't have any plans to either. Tried to call once each day, she didn't answer and doesn't have voicemail, so I couldn't leave a message, and I didn't try more than once either day. I accept my responsibility in that; I made the decision to distance myself from her this last weekend, and yeah, that's on me. I just get so tired of being the one responsible for propping her up emotionally, you know? Still and all, I feel bad that my sister had to deal with it, and I feel guilty for deliberately doing something that I knew would hurt her feelings. So that has me feeling like the World's Worst Daughter, which-well. Whatever.
And there are all of these other things floating around in my head, all of this other...stuff. Like the fact that I don't know if all this with Steve is even worth working on. It is so hard sometimes, and for me, when things get hard it is time to bail. If I need to make a big change of some sort of if I am really doing just fine, just at a plateau. Whether or not I can afford to take the dog to the vet next week and if I am brave enough to tell him that I don't want to start giving her a bunch of drugs to keep her going (she has something wrong with either her lungs or her heart, she is arthritic and hobbles some when it is cold, but she is happy and friendly and doesn't appear to be in any kind of pain at all). How I am going to get through the rest of this week because we have something going on every night and I have to take the kids to some museum thing on Saturday (for school), which means I have to take all four kids, and the thought is overwhelming. I have been thinking a lot about CF and his friends, and even though I think he is a loser son of a bitch who is as close to pure evil as I have seen in awhile I am glad that he has a friend or two to stand by him-which in turn makes me feel like shit because I also think that he should die a long, cold, hard death, but at least with a friend beside him. I wonder what I should do with my hair, whether or not I can lose two inches in my bust before court so that the jacket I got from EBay will button (the skirt fits beautifully)....all this and more.
Sigh. Just have to get through this day, and when I go home with hope there will be Internet (okay, am I a huge nerd or what? Or my life is just pathetic) so that I can get all the kids settled and into bed and then try to figure out the WordPress thing so I can get the new place up and running. At least if I can't sleep again tonight I will have something to distract me, right?