We Are Okay

I am here, I am okay. We are still staying at Steve's for one more night, but we are going back home tomorrow night. Steve picked up a deadbolt to put in, he unearthed some pepper spray from God knows where, and we also have a heavy aluminum baseball bat and one of those hard wooden t-ball bats (who knew that the absolute misery of schlepping kids to those goddamned t-ball and baseball games would actually serve some practical purpose?). I am well aware that none of this is fail-safe, and certainly will not prevent someone from TRYING to get in again, but if nothing else, they give us a better sense of security, which is sadly lacking at the moment.

However, Hannah is doing better since she spoke with the cop yesterday, and that is really important. She slept very well last night, and that helps, too. I am not averse to getting her counseling, but am willing to wait the couple of weeks that Janet (our doc, as well as a friend, for those who don't know) recommended to just see how she does. I know that going home is going to be rough on her, just as it is on me, but I also know that we HAVE to.

What helps is that I am starting to get pissed instead of numb. I am pissed that some fucker made it so my home feels unsafe to me. I have lived alone for over 5 years, and not once have I been afraid to walk into my home, or sleep with the windows open, or lay on the couch at night with the door open. Not once have I been afraid to let the kids sleep outside, and not once have I worried (beyond normal concern) about the kids going down to the park to play. Now that has all changed, and I am so fucking mad about it that I could scream. Don't worry-I am not mad enough to be stupid and forget that this person is still lurking out there; I am very well aware that if he is a stalker in the truest sense of the word, he will be back as soon as the police quit patrolling regularly. But I am mad enough to not want to let that asshole rule my life. We will take reasonable precautions, and we will report anything suspicious no matter how small, and eventually they will catch him. But pissed? Yeah. If by any chance he ever gets into the house again, he will have a lot more to worry about than whether or nor he can get his dick into me or my daughter.

Ah. I know how that sounds, but I am ANGRY today. And it feels good, it really does. Because it is far better than feeling victimized and nervous all of the time, and it is also far better than feeling guilty. You are all right; this has nothing to do with anything we did or did not do. I had no reason NOT to let the kids sleep outside, no reason to worry about whether or not I should lock the door. I cannot and WILL not allow him to make me feel ashamed and embarrassed and dirty; HE should.

Tomorrow I might feel differently, but today, this feels like a good place to be. We will worry about tomorrow when it gets here.