It is only Wednesday? Fuck me. Not possible. Because it totally feels like it should be about Thursday of next week. I am wiped out, physically and mentally and emotionally and any other "-ally" you can think of.
Finally, finally, I got to talk to a detective this morning about the doings at our house early Monday morning. not Captain Ron, who no matter how well he handled my daughter (and he DID do a great job), apparently dropped the ball because he did not dust for fingerprints that night. When I talked to Detective M. this morning, it occurred to me to ask if it was possible there might be fingerprints this many days later, and he said, "What? They didn't already do that?" No, asshole, I was just asking to hear myself talk. I shouldn't say that-he isn't an asshole, not so far as I can tell, it just seemed like a stupid question. Anyway, on his agenda today is going over and dusting for prints, talking to the neighbors, and also going to talk to my daughter at Jacquie's. He asked me a ton of questions-about if I had been dating anyone prior to this incident (I wasn't, and Steve and I have been "together" even though we aren't "together" for almost 3 years), if Hannah had been seeing anyone, if there were problems or issues with any of the daycare parents, at work...and that last question made me laugh a little, as what kind of problems might I have at work? Someone is pissed off at me because his premiums are too high so he decides to sneak into my house in the middle of the night? But really, I might not be the most likable person in the world, but I also don't have any real enemies, not that I am aware of. Since that night, I have been racking my brain trying to think of any incidents in which I pissed someone off and they are now retaliating, but I honestly can't think of any conflict I have been in that was memorable enough to cause something like this.
One other thing that DID come to mind (and I could almost hear Detective M. thinking, "Psycho paranoid here!" when I told him this) is that on Saturday when we came home to check on the dogs, my neighbor came over and said, "you know, your dog's chain was wrapped all the way around the tie-up and she was laying there choking. I got her loose, though, and she is okay." I didn't think anything of it at the time, but in retrospect I am now wondering if Crazy Stalker Guy actually DID that. Because she has in the past gotten tangled up, but not on the tie out; it swivels, you see, so that even if she ran in circles repeatedly, the chain itself would just swivel right along with her. AM I paranoid? Most likely, but I also think it bears thinking about.
I could spend all day thinking about the possible motivations, what could have happened, what may happen in the next few days, but if I do that, I am going to go crazy. For me, it is just like not drinking; I have to get through today, and then I will worry about tonight when THAT comes. And then I will worry about tomorrow in the morning. I did talk to Steve today about staying with him again tonight and tomorrow night, and so far it seems like that is going to work out. It is hard, because even though we do a lot together, we aren't officially "together" anymore, and I hate for him to feel put upon or obligated. I mean, of course he should be worried about his son, who is part of the mix and therefore vulnerable, but it isn't really his responsibility to be our Protector and Refuge, you know? To give him credit, he hasn't given any indication that this is, in fact, the case. Surprisingly, he has been very good and supportive. But I can't reasonably expect him to continue to put us up indefinitely.
And like I said yesterday, at some point we are going to HAVE to go back. Last night, the boys were staying the night at Jacquie's, and invitation that had been extended a couple of weeks ago, so it was just Hannah and I. We were both dreading going home, so after I picked her up from Jacquie's, we killed some time by going to Pizza Hut and lingering over a meal neither of us felt like eating, went and picked up a few things we didn't really need at the grocery store, and finally went home. We fed and watered the dogs, I returned a couple pf phone calls, and then we just sat on the porch and waited for Steve to call to let us know he was home. I hate that I feel so weak, and I hate that I am clearly unable to be strong enough to just deal. I am afraid when I am home and it starts to get dark, but the rest of the time I am just numb. Haven't cried. Haven't gotten angry. Just-numb.
I would like to say that Hannah is doing better, but she isn't, either. She has been sleeping okay at Steve's, though once each night has woken up in a panic. Steve has both times walked her through the house again to show her that the doors and windows are all locked, has reassured her that Hallie will bark like mad if she hears anything, and she settles down and goes to sleep. At home, though, or in public, she is close by me at all times. I can't go outside and smoke without her, nor can I shower even at Steve's alone. At Pizza Hut last night, she went to the bathroom with me. And while I don't care in the sense that it is bothering me-it isn't, I totally understand-I care because I am worried about her. Detective M. said that he will give me some phone numbers to call to access some Victim's Counseling, for one or both of us as needed. I know that Janet said to seriously worry after a couple of weeks, but that is SO hard to do. I just want her to be okay, you know? Not necessarily today, but in the long run.
So, I think now I am just recapping the whole event; I could have just posted that Nothing Has Changed, or He Is Still Out There, and that would have done it. Thanks to all of you for your kind words; I really do mean it.