Friday, July 25, 2008

You're Doing It Wrong!

Here is a question for the guys, and be honest: is there REALLY a set way to spray window cleaner? Is it possible, honestly, for someone to do it incorrectly? Because last night we got the Blazer all washed and waxed (and yes, she looks beautiful, if I do say so myself) and I was "in charge of" washing the windows and the interior vinyl shit, and Steve said, as I was spraying the cleaner, "You're doing it wrong! Do it like this." And I swear on all I hold holy that he actually took the can away from me and showed me how to do it. Which was exactly the way I HAD been doing it. Geez, you point the nozzle, push it down, and spray the shit. Then you wipe it up. Apparently there is some special method, some little secret to it that I was (and still am) unaware of. A flick of the wrist, perhaps? A snazzy little sidestep while spraying? A soft shoe routine afterward? I just don't get it. Being the meek, mild, subservient woman I am, though, I very carefully listened, nodded my head in all the right places, said, "Okay, I will do it that way," which appease the Manly Ego, and merrily went on doing it my way. Which was was the same way. Whatever.

In case I didn't mention it before, we finally got the gate fixed, so the dogs can't get out. It involved new hinges, two new 2 x 4's, and a whole bunch of screws and cursing. It also afforded Steve the opportunity to haul out his electric drill and such. Which ALSO gave sweet Owen the opportunity to mess and play and cause all sorts of a ruckus. Like drilling my ass. And yeah, I know how awful and perverted that sounds, but I mean literally drilling my ass. I was holding the gate on the post and Steve was drilling with The Big Drill, and Owen was messing with the smaller one; I was telling him no but couldn't reach down to take it away, and neither could Steve, so next thing I felt was a slight tickling sensation on my nether regions. I raised my voice at Owen, which did NOT prompt him to drop the drill; no, it startled him so the he pulled the trigger and it went faster. Into my ass. Ripped my shorts, drilled a small hole that BLED copiously, and also made a bruise about the size of a quarter around the whole. And even though it hurt, I had such a hard time not laughing; as soon as Steve yelled at Owen, O. ran around and started scratching Steve's back. As if that would somehow make up for it. Yeah, good times.

I started write about the gate so I could tell you all that now the dog is no longer chained up, and last night we left her unmuzzled for the first time. Now, I may have mentioned that we have not had to muzzle her the whole time we have owned her; in fact, she was both chained up and un-muzzled for at least two months before the barking became a problem. The general consensus now is that CSG probably was doing the house-watching at the same time she started barking all of the time at night; poor dog, our first reaction was to muzzle her, because it never occured to any of us that there might be someone out there lurking. Anyway, we left her unfettered last night, and heard not a peep out of her all night long. I went out this morning to smoke (yeah. Those drugs are REALLY working.) and she sauntered out of her house, stretching and groaning and, I swear, grinning. This is a GOOD thing; I have no doubt that she will bark if someone is in the yard or around the perimeter, and I also have no doubt that she WILL bite someone. If he comes back, I just hope she bites him hard enough to draw blood and slightly incapacitate him; I want my chance with the bat. I feel alot better knowing that she is out at night and able to roam the yard, both because of CSG and because I hate to have a dog that has to be chained and muzzled. It just seems so mean, even when it is necessary.

And tomorrow is the day. We all stayed up too late last night talking, planning, laughing. We say prayers every night, and all three of the kids had to keep adding things to the list of things to pray about, so much so that I think God was either up there saying, "Oh, for My sake, enough already. I know I told you to to tell me everything in your heart even though I already know it, but for this one time, I will just read your mind, okay? " or taking notes. The past three weeks, the kids have been sleeping in the living room because of CSG, but last night it was more like a slumber party. I think I fell asleep laughing at something one of the kids said, and what a way to drift off. I will be checking my email while I am gone (hence the gmail account I now have), and may even find time to post a couple of times...but if not? See you all on the 3rd!


April said...

OMG, Kori! The drilling is horrifying and hysterical all at once!

Dingo said...

The slumber party sounds great, you got the fence fixed and I'm glad, but I can't stop laughing my undrilled ass off about Owen's DIY project!

FreedomFirst said...

AAAGGHHH!! And LMAO! I'm sorry you got drilled, but that sounds so much like something my nephew would do. I was seriously reading your story and picturing him. Except that he's not actually old enough to lift a drill yet. But he is certainly smart enough, both for the mischief and the belated attempt to appease. Haha.

Glad the dog will be out. And I know it's uncharitable, but I really hope she gets to sink her teeth into some CSG ass while you're away.

Kori said...

When it come to glass cleaner Richard would say you don't spray it on the glass. You spray it into the cloth then wipe the glass. Yeah I know he's anal about certain things.

Have a wonderful time can't wait to hear all the tales to be told.

JT said...

Drilled in the ass! OMG that's funny! I had co-workers coming to look over my shoulder to see what I was snorting about over here, they've all had a good laugh for the day, thank you very much!
Best of luck and fun on your trip Kori! I hope all of you have a wonderful time, enjoy yourselves thoroughly, and make the most of every minute.
Don't forget to buy Steve a gift - one of those "My friends went to the Space Needle, and all I got was this lousy mug"
Have FUN!

Tara R. said...

Hope you have the most marvelous time on your vacation and come back refreshed and stupid happy.

Leave the drill at home.

THopgood said...

Have a fantastic and safe trip! Can't wait to hear about it!

Take care of that ass!! mwahahahaha!

Anonymous said...

I could go on and on and on about the whole "telling people how to do things properly" thing. But I'll save you all that. My four year old would have drilled my ass, too.

Have fun, Kori!