I woke up this morning with the weight of Owen heavy on my legs, Sam's head underneath my hand, and Hannah's leg flung up on the couch next to my head. Eli was on the floor next to the couch as well, so I had all four kids within arm's reach or closer. There are days, too many of them, when this kind of closeness weighs heavy on me; it is difficult to be the primary source of security and stability for four other people, knowing that they look to me for everything. The basics, of course, like food and clothes and money for the movies, but for safety and guidance and emotional security and love. The other night when Owen was ill, Hannah lumbered into the bedroom after me, carting all of her blankets, too nervous yet to sleep in a room without me. I inwardly sighed, thinking nasty thoughts about not having had more than an hour to myself in the last going-on-three-weeks and resigning myself to being up all night, either with Owen fussing or Hannah waking me up at the slightest noise.
Yet this morning, I felt grateful for the very things that are such a burden sometimes. I know that finally getting a decent night's sleep had something to do with it-I slept for a full, uninterrupted 6 hours of sleep, which is far better than anything I have been able to get thus far-but it is more than that. My kids not only love me, but they trust me. They seek me out in the night when they are ill or afraid or lonely, and as difficult and emotionally trying as it might be, I would not change any of it. I would not change the fact that my 15 year old daughter would rather be with us at home than with her friends. I would not change the fact that all of the kids have other adults in their lives whom they trust and can rely on, but at the end of the day it is mom they want.
I know I come across sometimes as a whiny drama queen who is never happy, but really, that is far from the case. I had a comment about this blog being like a soap opera, and while I know that her comment was not AT ALL intended to be a criticism, it made me rethink some of the things I post sometimes. I am not going to change anything, not at all-but I realize that while everything I post is honest and true and very real, there is a greater number of things that I don't post about; I am guilty of not wanting to come across as the sappy, sticky-sweet, life is perfect mommy blogger, because God knows it isn't. At the same time, I think I sometimes appear to hate my kids or resent them, which isn't the case either. I think the reality is that some days really suck and I won't lie about that, but other days are really, really good.
Owen is feeling better, we had a good night's sleep, and now it is time to get serious about getting things ready for the trip. I strictly forbade the kids from wearing any of their new clothes before the trip, so we can at least get those packed up. I have to go to the grocery store tonight to pick up snack items, water, soda, lunch stuff to pack in the cooler (yeah, yeah, I am cheap-we will be those Joad-like people sitting at the rest area eating sandwiches and playing in the dirt. Sue me.), etc... tomorrow night I have to take the car in after work to be washed and waxed and the tires rotated, and then on Friday evening we will start loading the car in preparation for leaving Saturday morning. The kids last night were saying, "Well, now that Owen isn't feeling better, can't you just call in sick for the next three days and we can go now?" Ha, I wish. The excitement level is high and the days are dragging by, but at the same time, I don't think the kids have any real idea how much work is involved in getting a family of five actually ready and out the door. I should have started last week-three days isn't enough.
And to those of you who have asked, the house will be watched while we are gone. Steve is going to be there twice a day to feed the animals, the neighbors know I am going to be gone, and I am going to call the police station on Friday morning and let them know the house will be empty. There isn't really anything else I can do; Steve finished fixing the gate last night so I was hoping to be able to unchain Mama dog and let her run free in the yard, but the bitch is an escape artist; I still don't know how she got out, but I looked over to the neighbor's yard and she and the pup were lounging under their tree chewing on unripe apples. With hope, I can CATCH her getting out and try to fix the problem before we leave.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
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9 comments:
Your posts have always come across as an honest depiction of your life. It's your life and your blog. Post whatever you want. I like reading you :)
I agree. It's your blog. Some days are going to be great. Others, not so much. Even I went from Tiffany's one day to psycho mom the next. That's life. And if someone doesn't like it, there's like a million and twelve other blogs to read.
But I like yours, so I'll stay a while if you don't mind.n :P
Ok, and your moderation today is like 15 letters....sheesh!
The say I read about cupcakes or puppies here I may scratch my head in bewilderment.
I like it as it is.
Your posts can't be that negative, because I almost always find myself laughing at the end!
The picture of you guys eating out of a cooler in the dirt sounds just like my family's annual trips to TN when I was a child. We even have a photo taken at a rest stop in VA, of me, all my siblings, and Mark and his siblings, on our last trip down there in '93. We had just met his family and they traveled with us. (It was a disaster, but I won't go there.)
I remember the anticipation, too; and my Mom telling us to hurry up and go to sleep, because the next morning would be there sooner if we slept until it arrived. Lol.
I hope you know that I did not mean for that comment to come out the way it sounded. Looking back at it I realize it sounded a little carelessly calous. I guess I was just trying to add a little humor to the fact that you have some stressful events occuring in your life right now and my anxiety and blood pressure rise when I read your posts...much the same way that it would if I were watching a soap opera. I guess my humor doesn't come across very effectively through typed words. I was in no way implying that you are whiny or that you should change a word of any of your posts. I enjoy every single one of them. I know when I read yours' and other peoples' blogs (and I hope people keep this in mind when they read mine) that you are only sharing a very small portion of your life with your readers...there's so much more to you and everyone else than what is writtin in your blog.
I'm sorry if my comment came across as offensive.
I think you are a wise woman who can't help if her life is filled with drama. I hope one day to have as much clarity and good mama advice as you do.
I haven't been reading your blog that long, but I like it. I don't think you come across as whiny or anything. This was a great post though, sometimes it's so nice to read this type of thing because it reminds me of how much I love my kid even when I'm having a stressful day.
I'm glad Steve will be watching the house, I kind of hope that CSG tries to get in while you're gone and gets caught so the whole thing can end and you can come home to a more safe house. Not that I want him in your house, but you know.
YOUR blog.
Yeah, yeah, it may be your blog and all about you, but dammit, it helps me, too! It validates my thoughts and feelings, it gives me perspective on my own life, and I have a feeling that you're speaking for way more women out there who may not even comment here, but you're helping them nonetheless. So if you can't do it for you, do it for ME :)
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