Wednesday, February 4, 2009


Three more days until we get moved, after which I might possibly have the time and the energy to read through my readers, blog in a more meaningful way, or spend my lunch hour doing something besides make phone calls to line up different things. Today, I called the phone company and ordered service at the new place to start on Friday, and got my new phone number. We have the option here to keep the same number when we move to a different town, but I opted for a new, unpublished number. More anonymity that way, for sure. As far as getting things set up to move in, the phone was the last thing I needed to do, so that is something of a relief.

Hannah's home-bound teacher started this morning, and I think that it went okay. I wasn't there, I just stayed at the house long enough to meet her and I saw her again when I came to pick up Hannah before she left, but it seemed like they got some stuff accomplished, anyway.

There is all this stuff I want to write about, especially the ongoing conversation on O Solo Mama's blog about single mothers and dating, but I have very assiduously trying to remove myself from conflict these days. Not that her post was at all bad, in fact I agreed with a lot of it, but the whole topic in general tends to piss me off. Then I went over to this asshole's post about it and my blood really started to boil at his last line, "Married parents are still best for kids." That, my friend, is an exact quote, and can you say holy fucking hell at the balls on this guy? I know, I know, we have heard it all before; I don't know why it made me so angry and, yes, hurt me so much today, but it did. And in such a succinct manner as well, black and white, no room for argument: this is how it is.

I beg to differ; and no, I am not going to go all crazy-ass on this guy (um, yeah. Right). Are we not all entitled to our opinion (Unless you are both wrong AND an asshole, that is. Which in this case is true. And just my opinion, not fact. He might be a wonderful, caring individual, given the fact that he both a Sociologist and a Right-Wing Presbyterian whack job who calls himself a Centrist. In my opinion.)?

The thing is, there are as many shades of gray to this issue as any other issue in the world. How can one person or group of people say so unequivocally that it is better for kids to have two married parents? In an ideal world, sure. In an ideal world where men don't abandon their children and wives, in an ideal world where neither partner is unfaithful or is an addict or an alcoholic or a criminal, of course it is better. However, I don't know about you people but I sure don't live in that world. I don't live in a world where every house has a picket fence and a comfortable margin of saving to live on, nor do I live in a world where there aren't a hundred different outside circumstances that might tear a marriage asunder.

I know that for me and mine, for all of the reasons I have blogged about and another list of ones about which I refuse to blog, my kids are better off with me as a parent than either of the husbands I have had. You could easily make this black and white as well: I chose badly, therefore it is my fault and we all would have been better off had I made more of an effort and stayed together. Blah fuckety blah, what should have been doesn't change what IS, and I guess that is why I have such a hard time when people spout off this kind of crap. No matter how much we as a nation or as an individual want to decry the presence of single mothers, we are HERE. We live next to you, we work amongst you, our kids (gasp! the HORROR!) go to school with your kids. Face it-you are all rubbing shoulders with those of us who are making it work without a partner, and for the most part, doing very well without one. We are not going away, folks, no matter what spin you want to put on it. Do I wish my life had different endings and fewer new beginnings? You bet your ass I do; but hey, it didn't. So be it-that doesn't mean that I am not just as capable if not more so of parenting my children than any of my married counterparts. It just means I might have to work harder. much for trying to avoid controversy. Tomorrow I hope to post on O Solo Mama's original question about why single moms don't date. Now THAT should be interesting, should it not?


April said...

Thanks for the warning about the asshole. No need to go there, thanks! You know me: so long as I get laid from time to time, I'm good.
And I love you. And I know you rock as a parent, single or not.

Unknown said...

being married doesn't help the kids if the marriage is crap. Kids grow up with what they know, what they learn and if being single means a house full of love then they learn love rather than a married house full of hate/aggrivation. I think as long as you do whats best for you then the kids...well the kids will be ok too!

J'Ollie Primitives said...

I was raised by a single mom and in turn raised my daughter as a single mom. Our lives are FAR better than if we had been raised in a two-parent household.

"Married parents are still best for kids." Baloney.

The Tutugirl said...

I agree with you. The most important thing about raising good/happy kids is LOVE. And whether that child is raised by two parents in the same house who love them, two parents in different houses that love them or one parent that loves them, the child will be fine as long as they are supported.

People who believe that a mom and a dad are the only way to raise a family need to get their heads out of their asses.

Tara R. said...

I can say from experience, having my parents married to each other was most definitely NOT the best thing for my brother and me. Everyone was much happier and healthier when they were apart. Generalizations of any kind are dangerous and typically wrong.

Laski said...

"Married parents are still best for kids."

Speaking as a child of parents who SHOULD have gotten a divorce. Hell, they should never have gotten married (they married AFTER they had my siblings and I, so they could have bailed!), I can say from experience that sucky marriages do NOT make well adjusted and happy kids. We still bear the battle scars.

Hell, even a happily married couple can screw up a perfectly good kid.

Kids want honesty. They want stability. They want guidance. They want LOVE.

You . . . GET IT.

Mozi Esme said...

Good luck with the move! Can I help with a pizza gift certificate or something?

Briya said...

I'm with Kel. Being married with kids is only good if the MARRIAGE is good. If you're single & happier for it, then you did the right thing.

Because when Mama ain't happy NOBODY is happy.

justme said...

Fuck the whack job, Kori...all of us folks capable of using our brains to think rather than to blindly follow a lead know that he is wrong...entitled to his stupid opinion, but dead wrong all the same. You are absolutely right that it is not black and white and we both know of enough "unbroken" married homes that disprove his theory.

Glad to hear the new place is coming together; I am uber excited for you guys :0)

FreedomFirst said...

Regardless of my personal opinions, I took a look at this guy's blog and he sounds like exactly the kind of person I can't stand.

However, I can't help wondering if his article was prompted by the woman who just had octuplets. Since I know you don't watch TV, you may not have heard the story. But a single mother who has six children by in vitro and lives with her parents, just gave birth to octuplets from in vitro. And I think anyone would have to agree this is simply atrocious. Totally unfair, however, to make her an example of all the responsible, hard-working single mothers out there who actually DO have a life outside of making babies.

Here is one of the links if you want to read it:

You could also just google "octuplets" and a ton of stuff will come up. Even though I love babies and support a woman's right to give birth as many times as she wishes, I couldn't help being seriously pissed off when I heard about this Miss Baby Factory. She has no right to do this, to her kids OR to her parents.

Anonymous said...

It amazes me how often people open their mouths (or fingertips) without thinking first. Ugh.

Martin said...

How can I phrase this best...

ARSE to that.

My parents were married but my old man was useless, of no benefit to me whatsoever.

Did I say ARSE already?

Shiona said...

Oh man this would make my blood boil too. I have heard this so many times. Don't get a divorce, try to make things work. Like I just sat there for five seconds and decided things were not going to work. It is so not black and white. Grrr.

Mama Smurf said...

People like that speak about things they know nothing about. No one lives in that perfect world he speaks of. Don't give him the satisfaction of your ire. So not worth it.