I have absolutely nothing of worth to offer the Blogger world today; my ratings over at the buzz are slipping, and I actually care, but it is like caring twice removed-because I just don't have the energy to REALLY care. I blame this lack of inspiration on several things-we have been dealing with illness in our home for going on two weeks now; today is the first day I have felt normal in quite some time. And I know what other mothers can find inspiration in shitty diapers and massive quantities of toddler puke which, frankly, never hit the goddamned bowl, but you know, I am just not one of them. Instead, between the baby and I both being sick, and now the older kids as well, I just haven't really felt like doing or thinking much beyond the next load of laundry.
But there is this, too: I have been asked to be a speaker at a meeting in a couple of weeks; this is for AA, and I have been sober for just over 8 years- this is the first time I have been asked to speak, and it really is quite the big deal. An honor to be asked, actually, I feel humbled, all of that. The thing is, I just don't DO public speaking; it isn't in my nature to stand up in front of a group and bare my soul. The closest I have ever come to this in my entire life was when I got voted "Class Clown" in my Senior Year of high school (though okay, it was a tie, and I spent the entire three seconds onstage wondering how funny it would be if I knocked that obnoxious bitch off the podium); there was a crowd of people, a podium, but hey, I didn't actually have to speak. So I guess it really was nothing like this, actually. Still, I said yes, because I felt like I should-not as in I felt obligated, but in a much deeper sense, I feel like I should, that it will be good for me, challenging, all of that. If nothing else, I will confront this fear, right?
In a nutshell, though, and to paraphrase my favorite author Anne Lamott, I have this strange combination of characteristics called a huge ego and low self-esteem-meaning, of course, that "I am the piece of shit around which the world revolves." I have been envisioning two very different scenarios: 1: the room will so full of people who are totally amazed by my words of wisdom that they stand up and cheer and invite me to speak at the next International Convention. Never mind the audition tapes, the process of starting out small, they want me there. I am that good. 2: Nobody will show up. I am so insane and obsessive that I am actually campaigning to have people I know and kind of like to come to this meeting just so I know there will be at least ten people there. I am promising all sorts of things that hey, we all know I can't deliver or will conveniently forget , all because I don't want to get up there and look like an ass.
Forgive me if this is taking up too much mental space for me to blog intelligently, because hey, I am on the road to greatness, right? Excuse me, then, while I practice my Beauty Queen Wave; you KNOW I am going to need it soon.