Dona Nobis Pacem

In case my button doesn't work, join the revolution of words by checking out Mimi Writes; she has all the info you need to get going on this. This is a today-only deal, so don't miss out. This is important, and I firmly believe that we can make a difference.

I have wavered on and off all morning about whether or not I was going to participate in this; I have read some of the other (many) posts on the subject of peace, and am so in awe and also so, so humbled. I am a victim of that typically American idea that what could I possibly say that makes a difference? I am not globally aware of things, by choice. I have strong political leanings, and think that George W. Bush (my personal nemesis) really set the wheels in motion for the complete downfall of us as a nation. I also think that the current war has caused so many issues, on so many levels, that at this point the best and most necessary thing we can do is to get our people the hell out. That said, I will be the first to say that what happens in other places concerns and saddens and scares me, and I know it is real; I just don't have the energy to get too worked up about it for the simple matter that what is happening here, in our country, in our states and cities and in our-MY-towns is far more important. For ME, on both a personal level and in terms of what I can do. And the greatest thing that I have seen so far about this particular blog blast is this: that there are enough of us who care, who feel passionately about one particular place or issue, to have every country, every person, covered. Isn't that amazing, that we can all be so different, so varying in our opinions and beliefs and thoughts, yet still all band together to try to make the world-our world-a better place?

Webster's has several different definitions for the word peace, so I picked the one that most applies to this post, and the way I think/feel/believe:

"4 a: a state or period of mutual concord between governments b: a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of enmity"

And I won't post about war, but about hostilities between those who are in a state of enmity. Here where live, we have two dominant races-Hispanics and Whites. It is no surprise that racial tension is still alive and well in our country, is it? Nope. We also have several different religions vying for dominance; again, no surprise there. And they are all intertwined, of course, because they are past of how we identify ourselves as a people. But let's just take that away for a moment, and what we have are, quite simply, people.

I tend to have a Utopian view of the world, and how it should be. I mourn the loss of community on a daily basis, meaning a connection to other people regardless of differences, and I think that this is the beginning of peace-fostering a sense of community, getting back to a place where we stop being out for ourselves and start caring about what happens to our neighbor. We are all walking wounded in one way or another, and I think the key is looking beyond the facade and seeing who lies behind the dress, the color, the car, the house. Strip us all bare and we are all the same: just a bunch of people who work harder and harder to make it in this world, with fewer and fewer resources. And I am not talking money, though that applies as well. I am talking about women who mourn alone, men who struggle daily to figure out how they are suppose to be men in the accepted sense of the word, children who are hungry and alone. I am talking about the people who are told they are not allowed to love someone because of their race, their sexual orientation, their social status. I am talking about those people who live in terrible marriages, feel suicidal, wonder how they are going to muster up the energy to get out of bed for one more day. If we are not those people, then who are we?

I am as guilty as the rest, and am in no way absolving myself of personal responsibility, but I am vowing to do things differently. I am making a commitment to let go of my own envy and anger at how other people are living, and to look at whether or not they really ARE living, or simply existing. I make a commitment to care more about the neighbor boy who is the interpreter for his entire family, and allow him to come over and see my puppies and let him be, simply, just a little boy. I choose to stop those little things I do to create more problems, and instead focus on the small things I can do to make it better.

And what can I do? For me, and for my kids, and for the people around me and in my life, I can do this: I can let go of fear and anger, and just love. I have carried my own feelings of enmity toward a lot of people, and the reasons for it are even sometimes justified; however, whether they are justified or not, they are wrong. They are wrong for me, they are wrong for my family: they are wrong for a person who believes in love as much as I do. I call myself a Christian, but I am guilty of loving only those who are most like me instead of loving everyone the way I am supposed to. Loving people to me means loving that which makes them part of humanity-it doesn't mean laying down and letting them shit on you, and in the past that is where it has gotten dicey for me. I have in the past equated love with sex, security, I have relied on it to boost my ego or make me feel like I am the shit, and I have used it as a weapon to hurt people. I have used guilt and manipulation in the guise of love to damage people, to make them hurt the way I have been hurt. I have made the choice to choose anger and hatred as a way to keep going through my days-it is almost as good a motivator as fear-and today, I am choosing to work harder at forgiving.

Carl Sandburg said this:

Choose:

The single clenched fist lifted and ready,

Or the open hand held out and waiting.

Choose:

For we meet by one or the other.

Today I am choosing to open my hands and unclench my fists. Too much of my life has been ruled with the fists, and I can't take another beating. And neither can you, or the woman across the street, or the people in Third World Countries. We have been beaten enough, as a nation and as a world, and the only way we can recover is to open our hands.

I believe that I can make a difference. I can show my children that we do matter, as individuals and as a community. I believe that if I start here, with me, my children will feel safe to do the same thing. I believe that each one of us carries with her the ability to choose peace over strife, and I also believe that together, we form something stronger than we can imagine now.

I believe.

Avoidance Works

This is what is on my agenda today (after work, of course, because I would never do personal things while at work. Please.): Taking the kids to, yep, McDonald's and to buy Eli a pair of shoes. His are, I think I mentioned earlier, falling apart, and he also has a terrible case of athlete's foot that just isn't getting better. This is in part his fault, because he wears his shoes with no socks AND he swims in them regularly and then walks around in them all day. Eeew. This little trip serves a dual purpose: to "celebrate" the better financial situation, and also to avoid the people from the church who want to come visit. "They" called me and left a voice mail at nearly 10:00 last night ( I was, thankfully, on the phone when they called), asking if they could come visit today. At 5:30. Even if I wanted to have them visit, which I don't, that would not be enough notice for me.


Here is the thing. I believe wholeheartedly in God; I actually even consider myself a Christian, though I tend to be, shall we say, just slightly to the left (okay, way the fuck off in left field, as ***gasp*** I don't think homosexuality is a sin, I support gay marriage, and believe in pro-choice. To name a few.) politically. What I DON'T believe is the whole religious dogma that is espoused by many churches, but this one in particular. Here are a few examples: since I am a single woman, I am not "allowed" to have missionaries into my home, even if the kids are present, without also having a male over 18 present. Because I might corrupt or seduce these poor innocent boys. Yet it is perfectly appropriate for three adult males to come into MY home, with or without kids present; how is that at all appropriate? Might that be, perhaps, a safety issue for me in addition to a propriety issue? I mean, really; I don't want to sully my reputation by being seen entertaining three MEN in my home! And what is to stop these men from overpowering me and corrupting and abusing ME? I hate the double standard that comes from people with testicles, especially CHURCH people with testicles. Also, there is the simple fact that I cannot hold a position in the church due to my status as a divorcee, AND the fact that I had a child out of wedlock. Because again, I might corrupt someone, in this case the innocent young children. Puh-leeze. The fact that my ex-husband was a chronic and confessed philanderer (okay, in layman's terms, he fucked a whole boatload of people who he was not married to. Because, you know, he was married to me) had absolutely no bearing on HIS status in the church. In fact, I got told that it was my fault for not being "loving" enough, and he got extra prayer and support. So yeah, I have some issues with organized religion. Which is why I am going to pointedly NOT be home tonight; the fact that I neither confirmed nor denied that I would be available does not preclude them from driving by to see if my lights are on and stopping anyway. Go figure.

So going out is on my agenda for this evening, and this is what I have already done today: got up at 5:30 because Owen has figured out how to climb out of his bed and come visit. This is progress in that he made it clear until 5:30 to do so this morning; over the weekend? 3:30 on Saturday and Sunday morning both. NOT fun, at least for me. He thought it was just a great time to be up and around. My alarm goes off at 6:00, so it wasn't worth staying in bed that extra 30 minutes. Therefore, I was able to get a load of laundry washed and in the dryer, and another one washed. Finished loading the dishes left from last night's chili verde. Left The List of chores for the older three kids to get done. Acted like a real bitch to Steve when he came over to get the leftovers, for no real reason other than I was tired and grouchy so took it out on him. Which meant that I had to call and apologize, which I really, really hate to do. I really like to walk around and think I am the shit and that I am never wrong or behave like a childish two year old, but the reality is that sometimes Owen is better behaved than I am. I have read the things in my reader, done a crapload of actual work, and now...wait for it...

...I just added something else to my blog roll. Someone else. You all know how I feel about dad blogs, and basically about men in general, so this is really a special occurrence that brings the men on my roll up to, yep, THREE. I do read other blogs by men, don't get me wrong, but the three I now have listed are ones I read and comment on regularly, and thoroughly enjoy. You all know BusyDad, and for those of you who don't know XBox4NappyRash, he is a man who wants to be a dad so badly but he and his wife have not had any success yet; go read him if you get a chance, because he is an excellent writer. Last, and newest, is one called LiteralDan; he is funny, he is thoughtful, and he is real. I followed a link from someone else's blog to find him, because I liked a comment he made, and wanted to read more. I was well pleased, and I think those of you who don't know him yet ought to go check him out.

***And by the way, I do fully expect (hope, right) to get accolades for letting my anger and bitterness toward the male gender long enough to keep an open mind. Not ALL guys are illiterate, ignorant infidels, right?***

Ah, Relief!

It is Monday morning but I don't have the blues. Wow-that might very well be a first. I don't know; due to a combination of things that have happened over the last week as well as an enlightening discussion with a good friend on Saturday, I am starting to feel better. My problems haven't changed, but I feel like there is finally small glimmering of light. I can't see clearly yet, mind you, but there is starting to be just enough light that I am starting to make out images, see the shapes of things.

The first thing that happened is a huge thing. Like, huge beyond my power to adequately explain. I received an amazing, unexpected and un-asked for offer of help from someone-financial help. In the form of a monthly gift to help make up for the huge amount of money being garnished from my paycheck (can you say 25% of my monthly income, folks?). For a period of a year. A year. To say this offer is appreciated is to understate it greatly. What this means in a very practical sense is that I will again be able to both pay bills AND buy groceries; I will again be able to know with certainty that I am going to have a home to live in and electricity. See, before this happened, I was broke but okay; I mean, we had everything we needed and even a little bit of breathing room. Not breathing room like we could eat out nightly, but you know, I could do silly things like buy a new pair of shoes for E. without NOT paying one of my other bills. Breathing room in that I could take the kids to McDonald's, at least, if not a "real" restaurant. Breathing room-and for some inexplicable reason, this person that I know and love is going to give me that breathing room back again.

This is more than a weight off of my shoulders. This is the difference between having to contemplate a second job and letting my teenaged daughter raise my younger kids. This is the difference between having to seriously think about packing it in a going home (which for a lot of really valid reasons is NOT a good idea). this is the difference between meat at meals and having milk in the house for the baby. So needless to see, I am both astounded and so grateful and humbled that I have been in tears over it. Just like having all of the security I have worked for swept out from me literally overnight, this is giving it back-also overnight. I am-well. I really don't have the words.

And then on Saturday my friend came by. We talked about this offer, and about my gratitude as well as my feelings of shame, and she actually got annoyed and told me , "Sometimes things happen that really are NOT YOUR FAULT, and how much longer are you going to allow HIS problems and choices to cause YOU shame and embarrassment? So you have to pay financially, and you ARE, but how much longer are you going to pay emotionally for choices you made over ten years ago?" That helped put things into perspective for me. Because as long as I am using myself as a whipping post for his irresponsibility, I am allowing him to control me. Period. And I have come too far and worked my ass off hard enough that I don't need to do this anymore. When all this happened earlier in the year (when I thought that bankruptcy was going to be an option, which I have since discovered isn't), I thought, "Okay, when all this is over and paid, I will finally be free of him," but really, as long as I waste a single brain cell in allowing him to have any effect on my emotions, I will never be free. And I desperately want to be free; free of shame and embarrassment, free of anger.

In addition to the very insightful comments, my friend is also a medical professional and suggested that maybe I should be back on my anti-depressants. There is no denying that I have been completely emotionally unhinged for the last six months or so. There has been a lot going on, of course, but all this time I thought I was feeling so crazy due to hormones. After over two years, my body is suddenly doing all of those things that a normal body does, so I thought I have been experiencing some major hormone changes. And maybe that is part of it, but not all of it. So I am getting back on them, in addition to starting the Chantix (anti-smoking drug). The Chantix won't be here for about six weeks ( I qualify for the Patient Assistance Program, which means I get them free, since I have no insurance, but they have to be approved and ordered), so you can bet that I will be smoking like a freaking chimney until then.

So all in all, my problems haven't gone away, but it feels like a beginning. And with the money thing less an issue, I think I need to spend some of the energy I was using to worry about that to try to work on some of the other many, many things about myself that I need to work on. But for today? Yeah, I am better than I have been in a really, really long time, because I am beginning to feel the faintest glimmer of hope.

Flashback Friday-The Daughter's Accident

Another episode of Flashback Friday, brought to you by the lovely CableGirl over at 42. Go check it out; always worth it. In fact, go ahead and put her in your reader while you're at it.

As hard as this might seem to some of you, I really don't have a topic for Flashback Friday today; too many other things going through my head to get the words to string together into a coherent sentence. Therefore, you get another photo post. After all, Cablegirl said we could use any medium...

And yes, folks, this would be why The Daughter will never drive again.

Pimping on the Blog

Pimping April here: she is going to be doing this thing called Blog For Educationon June 20th. Go check out her page and tell her you want to be part of it. I think it is a great idea, and would love to see every one of "us" blog about it. I am not going to get into any kind of political discussion about educational funding other than to say George W. sucks ass and I place the decline in our educational system directly at his feet. But I know that something has to change, something has to be done, and since I have no great ideas of my own, I am happy to jump on the bandwagon for this one.

Random Craziness Today

Just a few little random snippets today. As you can see, I now have an AWARD over to the right. April sent it over to me via email quite some time ago, but I didn't remember until today when I saw her gratuitously handing out the award right and left. To everyone but me. So when I pissed and moaned to her, she set me straight and reminded me that I did, in fact, get the award, from her, and I should just, you know, POST IT ALREADY. Instead of letting it languish in my saved items folder. Which is where it had been gathering virtual dust for several months now. Yeah. I am so together.

And boy, my little mantras haven't been working well today when it comes to things getting dicey in my head. I have been having trouble with three different blogs not "getting" my comments; I would post, and they would just disappear. So I was somehow sure that all three of these women whom I love to read were getting together behind my back and had decided to blackball me from commenting. You know, because that makes so much sense. Again, April set me straight there, too, by telling me to just email them and let them know. Hm. Novel idea.

So. I have been messing around with my play list today, and I only have a few more songs to add before I get all 100 on there; I don't HAVE to have that many, but I somehow like the number. I have also been debating about whether or not to update my blog roll; I have seen a few others do it, and when I look at my reader and then the list, I realize that they are not, in fact, the same. Guess I should get going on that. Not because I care, mind you, but I know that somewhere there is ONE OTHER PERSON who is as fucked up as I am and will look at my list and think, "hm, I wonder why I am not on there?"

Fess up. You know it's true; there are others like me out there.

And last, a huge thank you goes out to BusyDad; apparently I won a Snapfish gift card for commenting on his Mother's Day post. He emailed me to let me know I won, and I guess he mailed it right after he got the address because I got it yesterday. That is some good service, and I am thrilled to have won. I love Snapfish, too, use them all of the time, so even better.

Losing-or Relinquishing-Control

"Expect nothing. Hope for everything."

I have these two meditation books (as in reading and reflecting type "meditation," not "ohm, ohm" meditation; I would so suck at that!) which I read every morning, one for AA and one for Adult Children of Alcoholics. Sometimes I read them and think, yeah, okay, whatever, but last week I read one of them and there was the above quote. It hit me; I am not sure why, but it did. And along with my little six-word-meme mantra I have been repeating to myself, it has been bouncing around in my head for the whole of the weekend.

Okay, Jesus, let's be honest here. Sorry, I reverted to old bad habits there for a second, in an attempt to make myself appear more together than I actually AM. I know EXACTLY why that hit me so hard: because I have such high and unrealistic expectations of people that it has really caused me problems in the past. In my relationships, in my friendships, in my dealings with the kids...the list goes on. And for me, a natural consequence of having such high expectations (and I have them of myself, too, I might add) is that of course people can never live up to them, which in turned reinforces my very basic belief that 99% of the people in the world suck, will let you down, will hurt you. Can't be relied up whatsoever. It ALSO doesn't help that there have been a goodly number of people-starting from infancy-who have also reinforced that very basic belief. I have been in therapy, I know the reasons for why I am the way I am, but sometimes knowing the problem doesn't really offer a way to solve it. And for me, in my life, what this boils down to is control. Having such high expectations of people is just another way to try to control them, to manipulate them into doing what I want them to do/say/feel. Again, I know why I feel the need to control, it just isn't as easy to actually give that up.

And the second part of that quote, the "hope for everything" part? Oh, yeah, because THAT is so much easier than letting go of expectations and control. Puh-leeze! See, for me, hope is a dangerous emotion-it feels very scary to me to have hope, because so often, in so many ways, it has come back to bite me in the ass. I have hoped and prayed for-well, for lots of things, and then when it doesn't happen-or more importantly, doesn't happen the way I think it should, well, doesn't that just more strongly reinforce my negative view of life and people? Yeah, I think it does.

So I have been chanting my two little mantras all through the long weekend, and you know, it is helping. Every time I found myself getting annoyed or hurt or angry with someone, I took an extra few seconds to chant these things to myself, and found that so much of my angst and panic has to do with things not going the way I expect them to, not that anyone had actually done anything wrong, per se. Well, I guess I knew this, really, but it has just been more present an issue lately, one I am making a conscious effort to work on.

And already, I have noticed a difference in the way I feel-and isn't that what it is all about, how I feel? Because when I feel good and strong and calm, EVERYONE in my life feels better. When I feel sane, the house runs more smoothly, there is less conflict between the kids, and I am much more able to take things in stride. On Saturday, there was an incident with Steve where he wasn't doing what I had expected him to do, and for a moment, I got pissed-but then I said my little mantra and lo and behold, I was no longer angry. Then yesterday, I had gotten up and chanted this again a few dozen times, and when Steve showed up with two tomato plants-complete with the wire cages and the food stakes, I was able to be totally and completely thrilled because he did it because he wanted to, not because I expected it of him. By the same token, last night he felt free enough to invite me and the two big boys to the movies (Indiana Jones-and I don't care how old he is, Harrison Ford still gives me a tingle!), because I no longer expect anything of him. It just makes me feel so much better, and Steve and the kids are all already reacting in a positive way. And here is the really, really big thing: I am not doing this for them. It is a definite bonus, of course, but I am so tired of feeling crazy and emotional and out of control; I have to do this for me.

I have no illusions. I know that this is no cure-all, magic trick to fix all of the problems in my life. I know that this-the letting go of control over people, places, or things-is something that I know how to do; I lost sight of in the midst of the seemingly overwhelming problems going on, but it is time to go back. To work harder at doing the things I need to do to stay even slightly sane, because if I am no good to myself, if I feel like this all of the time, then everyone in my life suffers.

Yeah. I think it is going to be a good day today. Because I am not in charge of anyone today save myself. I am expecting nothing from anyone, but oh, hoping. It feels scary, and huge, and...right.