Talk about death warmed over; due to the confrontation with Eli last night and the fact that Hannah coughed all.night.long, I did not get a whole lot of sleep last night. I was also out of coffee and cigs (and no money), so it was not the smoothest morning. I looked in the mirror and was like, oh, shit, so I thought I would perhaps try to cover up the marks of a restless night by slapping on some makeup. However, I did not realize that I have only "summer foundation" and that it would be way too dark to wear now that I no longer even have the vestiges of a tan, so when all was said and done, I looked like 40 miles of bad road. I don't wear makeup much anyway, so perhaps that also contributed to the slightly clownish look, I don't know. Whatever it is, I
am not looking so great today. Meh-whatever. I highly doubt the President is going to be stopping by, and even if he did I really would not give a rip what he thinks about how I look, especially since I am one of those dreaded single mothers who is single-handely ruining our nation. I SHOULD look like a slob, Georgie. Oh. I digress. I have GOT to stay away from politics, I really do.
Moving on, the confrontation with Eli-at least the initial one-is over with, and to say it did not go well is a gross understatement. However, since I wasn't expecting it to go well, I wasn't surprised. I think I only raised my voice once, which was really hard to do since I was also angry-but I know that when people yell, I don't really hear what they are trying to say because I react and get angry myself. Defensive. He yelled at me-which I allowed. I tried to foster a conversation as opposed to a lecture, so I was prepared for a little bit of yelling, but mostly he did okay, too. But you guys were all right, it is definitely going to get worse before it gets better. Definitely.
I don't have it in me to go into all the details, because my heart is really quite broken this morning, and there is still much to process. We did go over the changes that were going to be taking place over the weekend, and he is predictably angry about it not just because it is happening but because he has to help. So much anger, but I think he is also a little scared. When I peeked in on him later, he had his dog curled up in the crook of his arm (and he seemed very relieved when I told him I had made the decision to let him keep her; I did some positive reinforcement, too, by telling him that other than not following through on the financial aspect of the bargain, he has done a very good job of taking care of her, and he really has. Any problems that have arisen are simple puppy-problems) and his eyes were red and swollen from crying himself to sleep, and it both broke my heart and pleased me. Broke my heart because he is obviously hurting-anger, fear, sadness, whatever-and really doesn't seem to understand why anything has to change, and gratified because if he was crying, it means I got through to him on some level. This morning he was not talking to me; we went through the whole morning routine (aargh, did I mention with no coffee? no cigs? No Lexapro?) without him saying a word to me. But I gave him his one additional chore for the day, and before I left I said. "I love you, Eli," and I heard him mumble "I love you too" under his breath. It's a start.
And so begins a new chapter of our lives. Somewhere, surely there is an award for "Meanest Mom in The World;" I hope the prize is a good one. In the meantime, I have entered a contest for Best Vacation Post over at Travel With Ronda, and the prize SHE is offering really IS a good one. Go on over and vote; and since the one with the most votes is NOT me, and is a really, really hilarious post, I won't be mad at you (much) if you read hers and vote for it instead. Because of course I voted for myself yesterday, but I did have to sneak over there and vote for her. It is Candid Carrie's, and all I can say to that is DAMN.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
I Have Decided....
I might be a single mother facing these difficult issues with kids alone, but I am not really alone. Since yesterday, through listening to you people and emailing my friend C. and April, talking to two different women (teachers) who have taken this class called The Parent Project ( I have been trying to manage both the time and money to take this class for two years, but now that I have two teens and an almost 10 year old, it is a top priority and we will be enrolling in the next class available in our area. I think it is offered again in the springtime), I realize that there is a wealth of information and support and help out there. Part of it is being in a place where I can see past the feelings of fear (oh my god, my kids is going to end up in prison if I don't stop this now!) and failure (this is my fault that my kid is acting this way) and actually see and use what help is offered. I have to humble myself and remember that while yes, they are my kids, I am also certainly not an expert of any kind, and if I open myself up to it, people can offer me insight and solutions.
I did not talk to Eli last night, for several reasons. One was that Steve was going to come over and give Owen a bath and put him to bed, and I did not feel like he should be privy to our conversation or have the opportunity to provide input. That was a dual-purpose decision in itself: for Eli's sake, I did not want him to feel ganged up on, especially when one of the people there really doesn't have a right to BE there. For MY sake, I did not want to put myself in a position of assuming that since he was there offering input then I was actually going to have back up. Also, there were so many different things going through my head, and I was still so angry, that I thought it would be best to give this one just one more 24 hour period. I went to bed early, I will eat healthy and well today, and I will talk to people (one of the AA things, too, is to not let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, which works in all kinds of situations), and already I feel so much more calm and centered.
I have also come to what feels like a better solution, even though it is still harsh by some standards. And since I like lists, I am going to put it in list format, both to make it easier for my readers but also to help me to continue to process it.
1. Starting Saturday morning, Eli will move his mattress into the corner of the kitchen, he will no longer have access to his possessions at will, and he will have to approach me daily in order to procure a clean set of clothing. This is one of the tools The Parent Project recommends: removing all vestiges of privacy. Since he does, in fact, share a room with two other little boys, removing his door and taking out all of his possessions is not feasible, so we are improvising on this one. The theory-and this is one I really believe in, as some of you may know-is that part of the problem with teens is that they feel a sense of entitlement that does not, in fact, exist (I could expound for hours about this sense of entitlement that is pervasive in our nation, but I won't, not today!). As a human being, he has the right to be cared for and loved, to be able to have a voice and make choices. As a child, he does NOT have the right to disrespect rules and authority; there is a place to question this, as I have written about before, but when he begins to infringe upon the rights of the other family members, the time for questioning is over. Also as a child, he has the right for clothing, food, shelter, and safety, as well as love and affection and stability. It is my responsibility as a parent to provide those things for him. The fact that I scrimped on lots of other things in order to provide NAME BRAND clothing that he wanted as opposed to just going to Target, that is a privilege to him. The fact that he is able to participate in sports or other activities is not a right. The fact that he has the freedom to stay with friends and go places with them are privileges, not rights. So this part of the process is re-establishing what he is, in fact, entitled to and what is just a bonus. One of the women who took the class and used it said that she totally cleared out her daughter's room save a mattress on the floor, and re-evaluated her weekly. As behavior and respect for her improved, she got a few things back, and within 6 months she was back in her room with a door and everything. And they have not had any major problems since.
2. I have re-thought my decision about Eli keeping his puppy. I will buy, over the weekend, her collar and chain, and I will help Eli choose a spot to stake her at where she can't climb over the fence (um, yeah. America's Funniest Home Videos? Watch out, because not only does she CLIMB THE FENCE, she also perches on top of it and peers around the neighboring yards. The problem is that she then jumps into their yard, cuts around the side and rounds the corner to eventually end up back on our front porch. The key word being eventually). He will, however, pay me back by working at a fair minimum wage. See, part of the deal when I agreed to let him have a dog (clear back before the other one was taken) was that it would be his. That meant not just taking care of it but also using his own money from mowing lawns and such to pay for what she needed, including a portion of the money we spend on dog food as well as her shots, etc...well, he hasn't followed through on his end of the bargain, choosing instead to spend his money on other things. Now that summer is over, he no longer has a mowing job, so will need to come up with other ways to earn money. I don't believe in an allowance, so he will not be getting "paid" to do his regular chores. Instead, there are a ton of things that need (and have needed for quite some time) done around the house and yard, things I haven't had time to really get into, and those will be his "jobs."
3. I am also re-thinking my threat to send him packing to his dad's. Although he does not particularly like his dad or get along with him, his dad is actively campaigning like he did with Hannah to have Eli move there. The bribes, the promises, etc.. In Eli's current state of mind, he may very well decide that he can escape the consequences by moving-and I am not willing to let that happen. In addition, I have realized that the message he would be hearing is, "You are too much trouble and I am no longer willing to invest any more time and effort on you." Which is the furthest thing from the truth. Along with this comes Jennifer's suggestion of more one-on-one time; while this may not be as easy for me to do as I would like (remember, 4 kids, full-time job, only a limited number of hours in the day), I am also going to avail myself of the many, many adults in Eli's life who love him. My friend's Rob and Janet, one man from the church who really thinks highly of Eli, Steve and Jim...each one of these people and more would be willing to take a few hours here and there to do something with Eli. Something that makes him feel important and loved and cherished. And I can commit to an afternoon a month of just us. I know it isn't enough-I KNOW that. But it is what I can do.
4. I am also going to accept responsibility for my part in this. I will not go so far as to say that it is my fault, but I DO play a part. I have spent a lot of years trying to make up for the fact that sue to some of my choices, the kids have gotten the raw end of the deal. I have spent too many years trying to make up for the absence of one parent (their dad is around in a sense, as he sees them and has contact with them, but he does live 700 miles away and had therefore been unable to really take an active role in their lives. Which I see as being a plus, which is a topic for yet another post, but which has still hurt the kids), and have been willing to let more things go than I should. I have also been guilty of assuming that since Eli (and all the kids) is basically a good kid, I wouldn't have to worry about anything like this. I talk about holding kids accountable and teaching them personal responsibility, but how much do I really do that? Is that something that I really believe but have a hard time following through with? Yes-guilty as charged. That stops today. Not only am I going to hold ALL the kids more accountable, but myself as well.
5. I am going to work harder on letting him-and by proxy all of the kids-that it isn't, in fact, all about him. There is a whole world out there, with all sorts of different people and situations and circumstances, and I am going to work really hard at helping him to get out of "self" for awhile. I know that for me, one of the best things I can do when the shit hits the fan and I don't know what to do is to get out of self and do something for someone else. I know it sounds like a crock of shit, but it really does work. I want my kids to learn to be socially responsible, good neighbors, kind friends-and yet this is another one of the things that I talk about and try to do for myself but haven't really demonstrated to the kids. An opportunity arrived this morning in the form of one of my insureds; she is not elderly but a little batty, and for one reason and another has no coverage on her home. In looking at her house, I found out that there is quite a bit of work to be done before we can actually write her with someone, so I called her daughter and we are all going to head out on Saturday and do some work. And this isn't a punishment for Eli, but an opportunity for our whole family. S. (her daughter) has boys the same age as both Eli and Sam, so between the 4 of us (Owen will be exempt) and the three of them, we will be able to get done in a day what needs done. There will be food, and I really like S (though I don't know her well, I would LIKE to), and we will also be able to chalk off one of Sam's Scout requirements at the same time. It ISN'T about us; not as individuals, and certainly not as a family. If I am going to piss and moan about how we are a nation that isn't kind to our children, had I not work a little harder at raising children who are kind to the world?
So this is where I am today. I don't hope for or expect change overnight; I don't expect anything less than fury from Eli, but also hope that in time he will learn. I do not expect things to miraculously change with one afternoon helping someone else, not do I expect any of this to come easy for ANY of us. The bottom line is that while I cannot and will not accept the blame for Eli's issues, while I WILL NOT simply say "Boys will be boys" and let it go, I can make positive changes now. And it isn't too late; I really believe that it is never too late to change-thought processes, habits, beliefs, it is never too late. Wish us luck.
I did not talk to Eli last night, for several reasons. One was that Steve was going to come over and give Owen a bath and put him to bed, and I did not feel like he should be privy to our conversation or have the opportunity to provide input. That was a dual-purpose decision in itself: for Eli's sake, I did not want him to feel ganged up on, especially when one of the people there really doesn't have a right to BE there. For MY sake, I did not want to put myself in a position of assuming that since he was there offering input then I was actually going to have back up. Also, there were so many different things going through my head, and I was still so angry, that I thought it would be best to give this one just one more 24 hour period. I went to bed early, I will eat healthy and well today, and I will talk to people (one of the AA things, too, is to not let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, which works in all kinds of situations), and already I feel so much more calm and centered.
I have also come to what feels like a better solution, even though it is still harsh by some standards. And since I like lists, I am going to put it in list format, both to make it easier for my readers but also to help me to continue to process it.
1. Starting Saturday morning, Eli will move his mattress into the corner of the kitchen, he will no longer have access to his possessions at will, and he will have to approach me daily in order to procure a clean set of clothing. This is one of the tools The Parent Project recommends: removing all vestiges of privacy. Since he does, in fact, share a room with two other little boys, removing his door and taking out all of his possessions is not feasible, so we are improvising on this one. The theory-and this is one I really believe in, as some of you may know-is that part of the problem with teens is that they feel a sense of entitlement that does not, in fact, exist (I could expound for hours about this sense of entitlement that is pervasive in our nation, but I won't, not today!). As a human being, he has the right to be cared for and loved, to be able to have a voice and make choices. As a child, he does NOT have the right to disrespect rules and authority; there is a place to question this, as I have written about before, but when he begins to infringe upon the rights of the other family members, the time for questioning is over. Also as a child, he has the right for clothing, food, shelter, and safety, as well as love and affection and stability. It is my responsibility as a parent to provide those things for him. The fact that I scrimped on lots of other things in order to provide NAME BRAND clothing that he wanted as opposed to just going to Target, that is a privilege to him. The fact that he is able to participate in sports or other activities is not a right. The fact that he has the freedom to stay with friends and go places with them are privileges, not rights. So this part of the process is re-establishing what he is, in fact, entitled to and what is just a bonus. One of the women who took the class and used it said that she totally cleared out her daughter's room save a mattress on the floor, and re-evaluated her weekly. As behavior and respect for her improved, she got a few things back, and within 6 months she was back in her room with a door and everything. And they have not had any major problems since.
2. I have re-thought my decision about Eli keeping his puppy. I will buy, over the weekend, her collar and chain, and I will help Eli choose a spot to stake her at where she can't climb over the fence (um, yeah. America's Funniest Home Videos? Watch out, because not only does she CLIMB THE FENCE, she also perches on top of it and peers around the neighboring yards. The problem is that she then jumps into their yard, cuts around the side and rounds the corner to eventually end up back on our front porch. The key word being eventually). He will, however, pay me back by working at a fair minimum wage. See, part of the deal when I agreed to let him have a dog (clear back before the other one was taken) was that it would be his. That meant not just taking care of it but also using his own money from mowing lawns and such to pay for what she needed, including a portion of the money we spend on dog food as well as her shots, etc...well, he hasn't followed through on his end of the bargain, choosing instead to spend his money on other things. Now that summer is over, he no longer has a mowing job, so will need to come up with other ways to earn money. I don't believe in an allowance, so he will not be getting "paid" to do his regular chores. Instead, there are a ton of things that need (and have needed for quite some time) done around the house and yard, things I haven't had time to really get into, and those will be his "jobs."
3. I am also re-thinking my threat to send him packing to his dad's. Although he does not particularly like his dad or get along with him, his dad is actively campaigning like he did with Hannah to have Eli move there. The bribes, the promises, etc.. In Eli's current state of mind, he may very well decide that he can escape the consequences by moving-and I am not willing to let that happen. In addition, I have realized that the message he would be hearing is, "You are too much trouble and I am no longer willing to invest any more time and effort on you." Which is the furthest thing from the truth. Along with this comes Jennifer's suggestion of more one-on-one time; while this may not be as easy for me to do as I would like (remember, 4 kids, full-time job, only a limited number of hours in the day), I am also going to avail myself of the many, many adults in Eli's life who love him. My friend's Rob and Janet, one man from the church who really thinks highly of Eli, Steve and Jim...each one of these people and more would be willing to take a few hours here and there to do something with Eli. Something that makes him feel important and loved and cherished. And I can commit to an afternoon a month of just us. I know it isn't enough-I KNOW that. But it is what I can do.
4. I am also going to accept responsibility for my part in this. I will not go so far as to say that it is my fault, but I DO play a part. I have spent a lot of years trying to make up for the fact that sue to some of my choices, the kids have gotten the raw end of the deal. I have spent too many years trying to make up for the absence of one parent (their dad is around in a sense, as he sees them and has contact with them, but he does live 700 miles away and had therefore been unable to really take an active role in their lives. Which I see as being a plus, which is a topic for yet another post, but which has still hurt the kids), and have been willing to let more things go than I should. I have also been guilty of assuming that since Eli (and all the kids) is basically a good kid, I wouldn't have to worry about anything like this. I talk about holding kids accountable and teaching them personal responsibility, but how much do I really do that? Is that something that I really believe but have a hard time following through with? Yes-guilty as charged. That stops today. Not only am I going to hold ALL the kids more accountable, but myself as well.
5. I am going to work harder on letting him-and by proxy all of the kids-that it isn't, in fact, all about him. There is a whole world out there, with all sorts of different people and situations and circumstances, and I am going to work really hard at helping him to get out of "self" for awhile. I know that for me, one of the best things I can do when the shit hits the fan and I don't know what to do is to get out of self and do something for someone else. I know it sounds like a crock of shit, but it really does work. I want my kids to learn to be socially responsible, good neighbors, kind friends-and yet this is another one of the things that I talk about and try to do for myself but haven't really demonstrated to the kids. An opportunity arrived this morning in the form of one of my insureds; she is not elderly but a little batty, and for one reason and another has no coverage on her home. In looking at her house, I found out that there is quite a bit of work to be done before we can actually write her with someone, so I called her daughter and we are all going to head out on Saturday and do some work. And this isn't a punishment for Eli, but an opportunity for our whole family. S. (her daughter) has boys the same age as both Eli and Sam, so between the 4 of us (Owen will be exempt) and the three of them, we will be able to get done in a day what needs done. There will be food, and I really like S (though I don't know her well, I would LIKE to), and we will also be able to chalk off one of Sam's Scout requirements at the same time. It ISN'T about us; not as individuals, and certainly not as a family. If I am going to piss and moan about how we are a nation that isn't kind to our children, had I not work a little harder at raising children who are kind to the world?
So this is where I am today. I don't hope for or expect change overnight; I don't expect anything less than fury from Eli, but also hope that in time he will learn. I do not expect things to miraculously change with one afternoon helping someone else, not do I expect any of this to come easy for ANY of us. The bottom line is that while I cannot and will not accept the blame for Eli's issues, while I WILL NOT simply say "Boys will be boys" and let it go, I can make positive changes now. And it isn't too late; I really believe that it is never too late to change-thought processes, habits, beliefs, it is never too late. Wish us luck.
*****Shameless plug for votes here: Head on over to Travel With Ronda and vote for my vacation post; I did it for a Flashback Friday one time, and she has the link if you need to go read it again, and though the others are good, surely mine is the best? I really just want the prize.*****
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Thanks, Patrick!
Thanks to Patrick, I have had to enable comment moderation on my blog again. The upside is that I think his strange shit has actually earned me some money on AdSense, so thanks for the few cents, Patrick. You see, I am saving to go to BlogHer in 09, so every penny-literally-counts.
You know, I think while I am there I might hit a few AA meetings, I hear they are pretty rockin' there, and oh, I was also hoping that Maria, Mr. Lady, April and I could all get together and have us an all-girl orgy; because I like women, Patrick. I like men, too, and if it will help you go into such a rage that you pop those already-bulging-blood vessels in your tiny little pea brain and actually fall over dead from a craziness-induced rage, I will even go so far as to tell you that I will fuck the neighbors dog (when the guy from Blockbuster is done servicing him, anyway. And ironically enough, the customer service guy from Blockbuster is ALSO named Patrick. Hm. Patrick, are you THAT Patrick? Because if you are, "I want my two dollars!").
All right. I am going to chuckle myself off now. To all my readers, sorry about the extra step you are going to have to take. And Patrick? Have a good night. I am pretty sure that getting yourself off while AT and AA meeting and wearing a crucifix is a sin, but I'll let you know if God strikes me down.
You know, I think while I am there I might hit a few AA meetings, I hear they are pretty rockin' there, and oh, I was also hoping that Maria, Mr. Lady, April and I could all get together and have us an all-girl orgy; because I like women, Patrick. I like men, too, and if it will help you go into such a rage that you pop those already-bulging-blood vessels in your tiny little pea brain and actually fall over dead from a craziness-induced rage, I will even go so far as to tell you that I will fuck the neighbors dog (when the guy from Blockbuster is done servicing him, anyway. And ironically enough, the customer service guy from Blockbuster is ALSO named Patrick. Hm. Patrick, are you THAT Patrick? Because if you are, "I want my two dollars!").
All right. I am going to chuckle myself off now. To all my readers, sorry about the extra step you are going to have to take. And Patrick? Have a good night. I am pretty sure that getting yourself off while AT and AA meeting and wearing a crucifix is a sin, but I'll let you know if God strikes me down.
*****And hey, those of you who know me ? I am firm in my beliefs and certainly don't mean to offend any of YOU.*****
What Kind of Shit IS This?
Just as a little aside here, does anyone else think old Patrick from the previous post has a God complex? I read his three lengthy comments and I don't quite know what his intention was or what kind of reaction he was hoping to get, but really, I have to tell him a big heartfelt thank you. Not because anything he said really made me change my way of thinking or to suddenly wake up and think, "Oh, wow, I have been sober almost 9 years thanks to AA, but shit, I have been doing it wrong!" No, no, I have really needed a good belly laugh, and he gave it to me tenfold. Hell, he gave me enough to laugh about for days! In addition, he also motivated me to try to feel a little less crazy, because I am preeeety sure that I don't want to end up in a straitjacket next to him. Just sayin'. And thanks for the defense, FreedomFirst, but for now I am just going to leave them up to remind of why it is that I believe the way I do.
Tonight Eli and I have a little meeting scheduled, to talk about the recent problems and what we are going to do about it. And to Jennifer, I know you meant well when you suggested more one-on-one time, and I am sure that would help some, but the problems we are experiencing go far beyond him needing a little extra attention. And regardless of whether he is feeling slighted or whatever it is, he is 14.5 years old, not 2; he is very capable of verbalizing what he is feeling, as well as mature enough to be well aware of the choices he is making. He is defying my authority and daring me to do something about it; he is stretching his little independent teenaged wings and trying to figure out his place in the world as a young man. And while I understand it to an extent, I will also not allow him to use that as an excuse for blatantly and unrepentantly causing problems and being hateful and vindictive.
I am well prepared for the fall-out from this post, but this is what I have decided. At our meeting tonight, we are going to sit down and discuss the problems and what the possible solutions might be. The way I see it, he has two choices: he can either get his shit together, and I will help him in what ways I can, including counseling should that be necessary, or he moves out. I would hate to send him to live with his dad for a variety of reasons, not the least of which that his dad really has no clue (and no, I don't dislike his dad, we actually get along quite well for the most part but really, he has no clue. Hannah did go live with him for a year and ended up calling me and begging to be able to come back home), but I am at the point where I have to take into account what is good for the entire family as opposed to what is best for Eli. Let's be honest: it would be best for Eli to have two parents, unlimited income, his own room and privacy and unqualified support in every arena of his life. It would be best for him to have a non-working mom who had time to spend with each child on a daily basis and to make a healthy dinner including all items from that food pyramid thing every night. Barring any of that, which is obviously not going to happen in his lifetime, it would be best if his struggling single mom had the support and help she needed from the schools, the Health and Welfare system, and Child Support Services so that perhaps this would not be a last resort. However, since either scenario is as ridiculous and far-fetched as the other, this is where I am at. Eli is going to have some choices to make, and yes, this IS his choice.
Part of our discussion tonight is going to be about the consequences for his recent behavior. The first thing is that he is NOT going to get his Sports Physical, which means he will have to drop out of the weight class and instead go to a different PE class. He is NOT going to be in Cross Country. He is NOT going to get new shorts for PE (his new complaint is that they are 1 quarter inch above his knees, which is apparently a huge fashion faux pas). He WILL be getting rid of his puppy, and he WILL be home every day after school, no exceptions. This trimester is over in November; he has two months in which to decide where he is going and what he is doing. I am well aware that he may choose to not follow through on my expectations; I hope he does, because the thought of not having him around hurts terribly. When Hannah was gone for that year with her dad, my heart hurt every day that she was away from me (and it was a different situation, she made the choice TO move up there). However, if I have learned only one thing about being a parent, it is that I can no more control their behavior or choices than I can George W. Bush's (and oh god, wouldn't I love it if I could?). All I can do is set down the rules, follow through on punishments, and try to lead them in the right direction.
Yes, I am strict, and there is a cold, callous streak in me that when I use it for good (as opposed to using it to hurt someone), it has been an invaluable tool in this parenting game. See, and I am not saying this in order to garner sympathy or pity, but instead to let you in on the reality: there is just me. We do have a lot of really great friends and people who love not just me but our entire family, but at the end of the day, it is myself and four kids. I have to set forth the rules, decide the punishment if said rules are broken, and also follow through. I need to be able to detach myself in order to be able to hold my kids accountable; believe me, when Owen is sobbing in time out or Hannah is pouting in her room or Sam is begging me to please give in or Eli turns on the charm, it is all I can do to stand firm and NOT give in. I want to give my kids everything they ask for and need, but the reality is that I can't. Not just because of physical circumstances, but because I really and truly believe that the most valuable thing I can teach my kids is personal responsibility/accountability. Part of that is following through on the consequences, natural and imposed; it might really, really suck, and in the sort term it hurts everyone who has to go through it, but I can't-and WON'T, no matter how much I want to-protect my kids from the fact that every choice has a result, good or bad.
So this is where we are today. I have been, as you know, feeling overwhelmed and not up to the task, but during the wee hours of the night while I was praying about it and journaling about it (Yep, Patrick, this Godless heathen who belongs to the terrible cult of AA actually can't make it through the day without praying!), the answer I got from The Big Guy was, "Hey there, chickadee, grow some balls. You are it. It isn't an option for you to go all Nancy on this kid. I am here hanging out with you and will give you what you need to be strong, but you are the parent. You can either sit here and piss and moan about how hard it is-and yes, it is, I know it, I feel it, and I hate to see you hurting-or you can get up and do something about it. And you are allowed to feel sad and vent and rant and be all two-year-old 'life isn't fair', because it isn't-but not in front of the kids. That's why you blog and have friends and go to AA, that's what I am here for too." (For the briefest moment, I thought I might really be going crazy because I swear I heard Him REALLY talking, but then I realized that the radio was playing in Eli's room. whew! But I DID get an answer, whether it was the one I wanted or not).
I am not impotent and powerless, even though I get bogged down at times and feel like I simply can't move. I am focusing now on taking things one step at a time, doing what is in front of me at any given moment, and leaving the rest in The Big Guy's hands. For me, this is part of floating on the wave I talked about yesterday; doing what I CAN do, stopping the fighting and floundering, and letting things happen as they will. That's all I got, really, and it isn't a bad thing unless I make it one, you know?
So life is still good, even though by my words it may not seem like it at times. I really believe that I haven't been brought this far only to be dropped on my ass at this point in time. It DOES get overwhelming, and hard, and lonely, but God knows I don't corner the market on those feelings. Mostly I just think it is the nature of life: you take what shit is thrown out at you, and you try to find a way to use the shit to fertilize something beautiful. Or you look at it and say "dude, this is shit"-and you throw it away. Whatever works best at the moment.
Tonight Eli and I have a little meeting scheduled, to talk about the recent problems and what we are going to do about it. And to Jennifer, I know you meant well when you suggested more one-on-one time, and I am sure that would help some, but the problems we are experiencing go far beyond him needing a little extra attention. And regardless of whether he is feeling slighted or whatever it is, he is 14.5 years old, not 2; he is very capable of verbalizing what he is feeling, as well as mature enough to be well aware of the choices he is making. He is defying my authority and daring me to do something about it; he is stretching his little independent teenaged wings and trying to figure out his place in the world as a young man. And while I understand it to an extent, I will also not allow him to use that as an excuse for blatantly and unrepentantly causing problems and being hateful and vindictive.
I am well prepared for the fall-out from this post, but this is what I have decided. At our meeting tonight, we are going to sit down and discuss the problems and what the possible solutions might be. The way I see it, he has two choices: he can either get his shit together, and I will help him in what ways I can, including counseling should that be necessary, or he moves out. I would hate to send him to live with his dad for a variety of reasons, not the least of which that his dad really has no clue (and no, I don't dislike his dad, we actually get along quite well for the most part but really, he has no clue. Hannah did go live with him for a year and ended up calling me and begging to be able to come back home), but I am at the point where I have to take into account what is good for the entire family as opposed to what is best for Eli. Let's be honest: it would be best for Eli to have two parents, unlimited income, his own room and privacy and unqualified support in every arena of his life. It would be best for him to have a non-working mom who had time to spend with each child on a daily basis and to make a healthy dinner including all items from that food pyramid thing every night. Barring any of that, which is obviously not going to happen in his lifetime, it would be best if his struggling single mom had the support and help she needed from the schools, the Health and Welfare system, and Child Support Services so that perhaps this would not be a last resort. However, since either scenario is as ridiculous and far-fetched as the other, this is where I am at. Eli is going to have some choices to make, and yes, this IS his choice.
Part of our discussion tonight is going to be about the consequences for his recent behavior. The first thing is that he is NOT going to get his Sports Physical, which means he will have to drop out of the weight class and instead go to a different PE class. He is NOT going to be in Cross Country. He is NOT going to get new shorts for PE (his new complaint is that they are 1 quarter inch above his knees, which is apparently a huge fashion faux pas). He WILL be getting rid of his puppy, and he WILL be home every day after school, no exceptions. This trimester is over in November; he has two months in which to decide where he is going and what he is doing. I am well aware that he may choose to not follow through on my expectations; I hope he does, because the thought of not having him around hurts terribly. When Hannah was gone for that year with her dad, my heart hurt every day that she was away from me (and it was a different situation, she made the choice TO move up there). However, if I have learned only one thing about being a parent, it is that I can no more control their behavior or choices than I can George W. Bush's (and oh god, wouldn't I love it if I could?). All I can do is set down the rules, follow through on punishments, and try to lead them in the right direction.
Yes, I am strict, and there is a cold, callous streak in me that when I use it for good (as opposed to using it to hurt someone), it has been an invaluable tool in this parenting game. See, and I am not saying this in order to garner sympathy or pity, but instead to let you in on the reality: there is just me. We do have a lot of really great friends and people who love not just me but our entire family, but at the end of the day, it is myself and four kids. I have to set forth the rules, decide the punishment if said rules are broken, and also follow through. I need to be able to detach myself in order to be able to hold my kids accountable; believe me, when Owen is sobbing in time out or Hannah is pouting in her room or Sam is begging me to please give in or Eli turns on the charm, it is all I can do to stand firm and NOT give in. I want to give my kids everything they ask for and need, but the reality is that I can't. Not just because of physical circumstances, but because I really and truly believe that the most valuable thing I can teach my kids is personal responsibility/accountability. Part of that is following through on the consequences, natural and imposed; it might really, really suck, and in the sort term it hurts everyone who has to go through it, but I can't-and WON'T, no matter how much I want to-protect my kids from the fact that every choice has a result, good or bad.
So this is where we are today. I have been, as you know, feeling overwhelmed and not up to the task, but during the wee hours of the night while I was praying about it and journaling about it (Yep, Patrick, this Godless heathen who belongs to the terrible cult of AA actually can't make it through the day without praying!), the answer I got from The Big Guy was, "Hey there, chickadee, grow some balls. You are it. It isn't an option for you to go all Nancy on this kid. I am here hanging out with you and will give you what you need to be strong, but you are the parent. You can either sit here and piss and moan about how hard it is-and yes, it is, I know it, I feel it, and I hate to see you hurting-or you can get up and do something about it. And you are allowed to feel sad and vent and rant and be all two-year-old 'life isn't fair', because it isn't-but not in front of the kids. That's why you blog and have friends and go to AA, that's what I am here for too." (For the briefest moment, I thought I might really be going crazy because I swear I heard Him REALLY talking, but then I realized that the radio was playing in Eli's room. whew! But I DID get an answer, whether it was the one I wanted or not).
I am not impotent and powerless, even though I get bogged down at times and feel like I simply can't move. I am focusing now on taking things one step at a time, doing what is in front of me at any given moment, and leaving the rest in The Big Guy's hands. For me, this is part of floating on the wave I talked about yesterday; doing what I CAN do, stopping the fighting and floundering, and letting things happen as they will. That's all I got, really, and it isn't a bad thing unless I make it one, you know?
So life is still good, even though by my words it may not seem like it at times. I really believe that I haven't been brought this far only to be dropped on my ass at this point in time. It DOES get overwhelming, and hard, and lonely, but God knows I don't corner the market on those feelings. Mostly I just think it is the nature of life: you take what shit is thrown out at you, and you try to find a way to use the shit to fertilize something beautiful. Or you look at it and say "dude, this is shit"-and you throw it away. Whatever works best at the moment.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Riding the Wave-and Failing to Stay Afloat
Apologies go out to Maria today; via email, I told her that today would be the day I was going to post about that online community I have talked about, the one where I got forced out, and you know, I am trying. The beginnings of a post are there in draft form, but I am really struggling with getting it all together in a way that will make sense. It is coming, I promise; I have a really good idea about something in relation to this post, too, so we'll see if it pans out. I am not ignoring you, honey, I am really not!
On to other things. April and I have been talking some about emotions being waves, and the key to weathering them is learning how to ride it out. Well I tell you, I am having a really really hard time riding this emotional wave; seems like I am battling to stay on top of it, using all of my energy and considerable strength to keep my head above water, and all my thrashing about has done is make me really, really tired. I think for today I am just going to relax and float and let it carry me where it may. With hope, I will make it to shore.
Things on the home front have not been completely smooth the past few weeks; I know that part of it is that the kids are just settling in to the school routine and it is hard for them to make the transition, no matter how excited they are about school. Already the novelty has worn off and homework loads are increasing, and it just a difficult time. However, I can be as understanding as I want to be, but it certainly doesn't excuse bad behavior.
The most recent culprit is Eli, who is 14 and a half and is, well, he's a jerk. He has these chores-chores which he hates to do, which he grumbles about, which he does half-ass in the hopes that I will give up and just do it myself. Not so, little man, no so. I guess I am The Meanest Mom in the World, because I just make him do it over until her gets it right. So his most recent attempt at getting away with doing a crappy job involved sweeping everything off of the kitchen counter onto the floor, sweeping it up, and throwing it away. Which is all well and good save the fact that in the pile he threw away were these things: my bottle of antidepressants, a brand new package (unopened) of my good pens, the ones I use to write letters with, a $10 check from one of my survey sites, and all of the paperwork I needed to reapply for the Idaho Child Care program. I really, really tried to remain calm; I did. But the whole antidepressant thing is what kills me. I mean, what kind of kid just throws a bottle of pills away, a bottle of pills that he sees me open every morning and then place back on the counter? He has been looking for them for four days (meaning I have been out for four days), but finally confessed last night to having thrown them away (along with the above mentioned things). I was stunned. In addition to being stunned, I was and am furious. What the fuck? When asked for an explanation, his reply was that he was mad at me. So, you were mad at me, so you decided to punish ME by throwing away all of this stuff, including the pills that I really, really need. I can't call the doc and ask for another prescription because I get these free because I am poor-$160 a month for these is not something I can do. And I can't reorder for another three week, and they won't arrive until 6 weeks after THAT. The way they have it, I call to reorder when I have 6 weeks left, so I never run out. Anyway, this is the first time I have seen any kind of vindictive streak in Eli; even now, he doesn't seem to GET it. When I totally lost it and yelled, he just looked at me with this cold, calculating look, and then when I felt so overwhelmed and angry that I started crying, he just shrugged.his.shoulders. and walked away. Then later had the balls to tell me he needs new shorts, want to take Cross-Country again this year, AND needs his sports physical by Friday.
And then I go through the inevitable anger about having to do this alone. I am aware that I was overly sensitive last night anyway, but god, sometimes I would give my left arm to have someone in my corner backing me up. Though to some people the loss of antidepressants and paperwork is minor, to me and in my life, this is HUGE. Even more huge is Eli's blatant disregard for anyone's possessions other than his own, just to be mean. This isn't his usual mode, for sure, and I am at a loss as to how to deal with this. I feel so fucking angry that I have to do this on my own; even if I could call his dad and ask for backup, what I would get instead would be snide comments from the StepCunt about my already-questionable parenting abilities, while his dad would be all, "Oh, ha ha, boys will be boys." Yeah, fucker, whatever.
Aargh. So much for riding the wave and relaxing. I think it is time to stop for the day; perhaps tomorrow will be better, right?
PS: Blockbuster still has not returned my money. Can you believe that shit?
***Just like one of those infomercials: "But Wait! There's More!" When I went home for lunch, Eli's puppy had totally trashed the house. The two unopened packages of diapers opened and strewn all over the floor, the bathmat from the bathroom in the living room, my really nice Woolrich wool slippers that I haven't even had a chance to WEAR yet chewed up...see, the dog won't stay in the yard, but Eli spent all of his lawn mowing money on shit and therefore hasn't gotten her a collar with which she can be chained up. Then I had to go to the school and pick up a very, very ill Hannah; after dealing with no less than THREE assholes who work there but apparently spend more time beating off in the teachers lounge than actually working, I finally just walked down the hall and started opening doors; you can bet your ass that got their butts up off the chairs in a hurry: "An unauthorized person has entered the bulding!" There may be repercussions, but I frankly don't give shit. My daugher is sick, they would not stop their gossipfest long enough to call down to her classroom to give her permission to leave, I was going to find her. And about that: I am fairly sure she has a sinus and/or ear infection, she really is quite sick, but I have $50 which has to last until I get paid next Monday. She is the one of four kids with no insuracne; because her stupid dad refuses to take her off Washington Medicaid (and please don't ask me how he is getting away with it) because he has to sign a piece of paper agreeing that she lives with me full time, which nullifies his non-support order. So she can't be on Medicaid in Idaho, yet Washington won't pay for a visit out of state. Long story short, my kid is sick and I can't fix her, my 14 year old kid needs to be sent to Juvie, and I am out of drugs. Dude. This is sooome ride! ***
On to other things. April and I have been talking some about emotions being waves, and the key to weathering them is learning how to ride it out. Well I tell you, I am having a really really hard time riding this emotional wave; seems like I am battling to stay on top of it, using all of my energy and considerable strength to keep my head above water, and all my thrashing about has done is make me really, really tired. I think for today I am just going to relax and float and let it carry me where it may. With hope, I will make it to shore.
Things on the home front have not been completely smooth the past few weeks; I know that part of it is that the kids are just settling in to the school routine and it is hard for them to make the transition, no matter how excited they are about school. Already the novelty has worn off and homework loads are increasing, and it just a difficult time. However, I can be as understanding as I want to be, but it certainly doesn't excuse bad behavior.
The most recent culprit is Eli, who is 14 and a half and is, well, he's a jerk. He has these chores-chores which he hates to do, which he grumbles about, which he does half-ass in the hopes that I will give up and just do it myself. Not so, little man, no so. I guess I am The Meanest Mom in the World, because I just make him do it over until her gets it right. So his most recent attempt at getting away with doing a crappy job involved sweeping everything off of the kitchen counter onto the floor, sweeping it up, and throwing it away. Which is all well and good save the fact that in the pile he threw away were these things: my bottle of antidepressants, a brand new package (unopened) of my good pens, the ones I use to write letters with, a $10 check from one of my survey sites, and all of the paperwork I needed to reapply for the Idaho Child Care program. I really, really tried to remain calm; I did. But the whole antidepressant thing is what kills me. I mean, what kind of kid just throws a bottle of pills away, a bottle of pills that he sees me open every morning and then place back on the counter? He has been looking for them for four days (meaning I have been out for four days), but finally confessed last night to having thrown them away (along with the above mentioned things). I was stunned. In addition to being stunned, I was and am furious. What the fuck? When asked for an explanation, his reply was that he was mad at me. So, you were mad at me, so you decided to punish ME by throwing away all of this stuff, including the pills that I really, really need. I can't call the doc and ask for another prescription because I get these free because I am poor-$160 a month for these is not something I can do. And I can't reorder for another three week, and they won't arrive until 6 weeks after THAT. The way they have it, I call to reorder when I have 6 weeks left, so I never run out. Anyway, this is the first time I have seen any kind of vindictive streak in Eli; even now, he doesn't seem to GET it. When I totally lost it and yelled, he just looked at me with this cold, calculating look, and then when I felt so overwhelmed and angry that I started crying, he just shrugged.his.shoulders. and walked away. Then later had the balls to tell me he needs new shorts, want to take Cross-Country again this year, AND needs his sports physical by Friday.
And then I go through the inevitable anger about having to do this alone. I am aware that I was overly sensitive last night anyway, but god, sometimes I would give my left arm to have someone in my corner backing me up. Though to some people the loss of antidepressants and paperwork is minor, to me and in my life, this is HUGE. Even more huge is Eli's blatant disregard for anyone's possessions other than his own, just to be mean. This isn't his usual mode, for sure, and I am at a loss as to how to deal with this. I feel so fucking angry that I have to do this on my own; even if I could call his dad and ask for backup, what I would get instead would be snide comments from the StepCunt about my already-questionable parenting abilities, while his dad would be all, "Oh, ha ha, boys will be boys." Yeah, fucker, whatever.
Aargh. So much for riding the wave and relaxing. I think it is time to stop for the day; perhaps tomorrow will be better, right?
PS: Blockbuster still has not returned my money. Can you believe that shit?
***Just like one of those infomercials: "But Wait! There's More!" When I went home for lunch, Eli's puppy had totally trashed the house. The two unopened packages of diapers opened and strewn all over the floor, the bathmat from the bathroom in the living room, my really nice Woolrich wool slippers that I haven't even had a chance to WEAR yet chewed up...see, the dog won't stay in the yard, but Eli spent all of his lawn mowing money on shit and therefore hasn't gotten her a collar with which she can be chained up. Then I had to go to the school and pick up a very, very ill Hannah; after dealing with no less than THREE assholes who work there but apparently spend more time beating off in the teachers lounge than actually working, I finally just walked down the hall and started opening doors; you can bet your ass that got their butts up off the chairs in a hurry: "An unauthorized person has entered the bulding!" There may be repercussions, but I frankly don't give shit. My daugher is sick, they would not stop their gossipfest long enough to call down to her classroom to give her permission to leave, I was going to find her. And about that: I am fairly sure she has a sinus and/or ear infection, she really is quite sick, but I have $50 which has to last until I get paid next Monday. She is the one of four kids with no insuracne; because her stupid dad refuses to take her off Washington Medicaid (and please don't ask me how he is getting away with it) because he has to sign a piece of paper agreeing that she lives with me full time, which nullifies his non-support order. So she can't be on Medicaid in Idaho, yet Washington won't pay for a visit out of state. Long story short, my kid is sick and I can't fix her, my 14 year old kid needs to be sent to Juvie, and I am out of drugs. Dude. This is sooome ride! ***
Monday, September 8, 2008
It Would Have Been....
It would have been three years today for Steve and I. In many, many ways, we still are together, just not "together." Not that I expect that to make sense to anyone save myself and a very few select people. I have been a little out of sorts all weekend, and woke up this morning in an off mood. I didn't make the connection between the non-event and my mood until I was in the shower this morning, though. I am out of sorts because today would be our three year anniversary; instead of it being a celebration of a milestone, it will instead be marked by Steve taking Owen for a few hours and me going to an AA meeting. I cannot remark upon it, cannot say anything to him about it being a significant date, and instead have to pack up the baby's diaper bag and send them off together with a smile, even though inside I am so sad that this is what it has come down to. Especially when it is so unnecessary, when it did not have to be this way. Especially when I still love him so much, when I know that he does love me, but when it is just impossible to make him see that what I have to offer is not a burden, but a gift. My heart is more than a little heavy today, I am on the brink of tears, and at 9:00 a.m. I am already looking forward to this day passing, to waking up and having tomorrow be just another day.
This is part of why I know I am destined to stay single. Not because I am soooo in loooove with Steve that I am going to pine away and withhold my love from everyone else because I am so pathetic. No, even though I can honestly say that he is and will be the love of my life, that ephemeral "soul mate" that people talk about, I also know that there are millions of men in the world, and I could live with and love any number of them and be if not wildly happy then at least content. Of course, you don't see any of these men banging on my door begging to go out with me, but still, they are there somewhere. The thing is, I just don't have it in me to seek anyone out, don't have it in me to try to get to know someone and got through the whole weeding-out-the-losers thing, and as you all know, I hate to date. Hate it, suck at it, have no desire to do that. And I am aware that this is a choice I am making; despite the fact that I have been damaged very badly by the men in my life from childhood on, I know there are a lot of really great guys out there. I can't lay the blame on them for making me a victim, because I did that all by myself. I don't feel like a victim in this case, though; I mean, I am just aware of my limitations, of which there are many, and also know that I am not willing to do the work it would take to find someone. Basically, I just don't CARE anymore.
This is part of why I know I am destined to stay single. Not because I am soooo in loooove with Steve that I am going to pine away and withhold my love from everyone else because I am so pathetic. No, even though I can honestly say that he is and will be the love of my life, that ephemeral "soul mate" that people talk about, I also know that there are millions of men in the world, and I could live with and love any number of them and be if not wildly happy then at least content. Of course, you don't see any of these men banging on my door begging to go out with me, but still, they are there somewhere. The thing is, I just don't have it in me to seek anyone out, don't have it in me to try to get to know someone and got through the whole weeding-out-the-losers thing, and as you all know, I hate to date. Hate it, suck at it, have no desire to do that. And I am aware that this is a choice I am making; despite the fact that I have been damaged very badly by the men in my life from childhood on, I know there are a lot of really great guys out there. I can't lay the blame on them for making me a victim, because I did that all by myself. I don't feel like a victim in this case, though; I mean, I am just aware of my limitations, of which there are many, and also know that I am not willing to do the work it would take to find someone. Basically, I just don't CARE anymore.
Which is, of course, a lie; I care too much. Loving too much-that is a problem for me. Back in the day when I was a drunk, I did it for all the wrong reasons-because I couldn't stand to be in my own skin, my own life, so I gave everything I had to the people around me so that I wouldn't have to be alone with me. It isn't like that anymore, and I have come to terms with the way I used to be, compared it toe way I am now, and find that I am a million times more comfortable now than I ever have been. However, when I do love someone, I love them with all I have. In sobriety, it is much easier for me to keep clear lines of demarcation between myself and my partner-I have worked too hard to find myself to lose myself in another person. However, I still love wholly and unreservedly, and therein lies the problem.
Time to rethink a lot of my previously held ideas and beliefs. One is the whole Friends with Benefits thing; I have a really hard time with this concept, which is also related to my drinking days. I fucked around indiscriminately, and I have made a point since my divorce of choosing very carefully my partners. I was celibate for a long time before I met Steve, and I really do believe that for me (and ONLY me, this is not a judgement call at all!), it isn't good for me to have sex with someone I don't care about. I guess because being with Steve has shown me that when you love someone, it IS different. Lots. So I think I need to work on becoming more cold and callous about sex (ie, I should start thinking like a man!). Not quite sure how to do that one, but I imagine it will come.
Also, I will be the first to admit that despite my history, I still believe in love. I guess you would call me a hopeless romantic, which frankly sucks. So another project in this New Year of mine is to get over the whole "Love is gentle, love is kind" shit, the belief that as long as there is love, there is hope. I believe that the only true love that matters is the love I have for my kids; the rest is just some mythical bullshit that really has no impact on our lives. If anything, it serves as a temporary good feeling that will eventually end.
I am just pissy today; tomorrow will be better, because this terrible day will be over. And while I AM especially bitter today and it is making itself known, I also know that deep down I already AM cynical, so I don't really have that much work to do in becoming more so. I think what is hitting me the hardest is that for a little while, I really did think that things were going to work out for me and my family just this once. And this days just serves a a reminder that no, in fact, it isn't.
Tune in tomorrow; maybe I will be in a better mood. And I will leave you with a funny: Over the weekend, a man was stabbed in a fight outside an apartment complex; he later died. THAT part is sad, it really is. The funny part is the story in the paper: "So and so was stabbed in a fight over the weekend, he later died. Foul play is suspected."
Friday, September 5, 2008
Getting Some Love
All I can say today is WOW. I have been the recipient of more little gifts from some of my bloggy friends, and I just feel floored, I really do. Some of these I have been hanging onto for a little while while waiting for the perfect opportunity to post them, but there never IS a perfect opportunity, so here goes:
Awhile back, I got the Kick Ass Blogger award from Tara, and much to my surprise, I also received the same award from Literal Dan. A huge thank you to BOTH of them for thinking I kick ass. And yes, I really just like to say that; it makes me feel a lot tougher than I really am.
Next, Melissa over at Taking What is Left gave me this lovely award; isn't it beautiful?
I can't remember if there were specific rules about this one, but there are four women whom I really, really love who deserve this one. The first is April over at It's All About Balance, which surely comes as no surpise to any of you. The second is Freedom First, the third is Hugabug, and the last is Julie. All four of these women were part of the online community I got forced out of (yes, Maria, I will blog about it one of these days!). These four women were THERE for me-despite completely different religious views, despite political disagreements, despite the fact that I am much more in-your-face than most (save my dear April, perhaps), I got nothing but unqualified support from them, even long after I left. So this isn't an award, per se, in terms of how great their blogs are, or that they necessarily need to post it or send it on, but instead a very heartfelt thank you to these women who have been part of my personal journey for a very long time. I love all four of you, truly, and am constantly grateful that you took turns holding me up during some really shitty times. Whether you knew it or not, the four of you combined pulled be back from that abyss about which I have written more than once.
Ahem, **sniff** on to the next one. Susie over at Nothing Clever To Say gave me THIS one:
Awhile back, I got the Kick Ass Blogger award from Tara, and much to my surprise, I also received the same award from Literal Dan. A huge thank you to BOTH of them for thinking I kick ass. And yes, I really just like to say that; it makes me feel a lot tougher than I really am.
Next, Melissa over at Taking What is Left gave me this lovely award; isn't it beautiful?
I can't remember if there were specific rules about this one, but there are four women whom I really, really love who deserve this one. The first is April over at It's All About Balance, which surely comes as no surpise to any of you. The second is Freedom First, the third is Hugabug, and the last is Julie. All four of these women were part of the online community I got forced out of (yes, Maria, I will blog about it one of these days!). These four women were THERE for me-despite completely different religious views, despite political disagreements, despite the fact that I am much more in-your-face than most (save my dear April, perhaps), I got nothing but unqualified support from them, even long after I left. So this isn't an award, per se, in terms of how great their blogs are, or that they necessarily need to post it or send it on, but instead a very heartfelt thank you to these women who have been part of my personal journey for a very long time. I love all four of you, truly, and am constantly grateful that you took turns holding me up during some really shitty times. Whether you knew it or not, the four of you combined pulled be back from that abyss about which I have written more than once.
Ahem, **sniff** on to the next one. Susie over at Nothing Clever To Say gave me THIS one:
This one DOES have rules, and I think I am supposed to pick Seven blogs to whom to pass this, but I don't think I can come up with that many. All of the blog I read are worthy of this award or I wouldn't read them, but I am afraid that some of my people have already gotten this one. However, here goes my attempt:
1. Single Working Mommy . A good part of my blog roll consists of fellow single moms, simply because that is where my life is at right now. This woman has a son who is very close in age to my Owen, so there is much to relate to there. Also, she seems to have her head on pretty straight, which I am envious of and want to be more like. Thanks for your friendship!
2. Following in the same vein, this also goes out to Pisceshanna over at Cost of Living. She has a little cutie called LB, lives in what she calls The Projects, and is a fierce, loyal single mama. Her ex, the Rooferman, sounds eerily similar to mine, whom I simply call the Fuck-Up, so my heart goes out to her and LB for all of the heartache he causes. Despite this, she gets up every morning and goes to work and takes care of her baby and, quite simply knocks my socks off daily.
3. Veering off, this woman is MARRIED, which really should be a strike against her. And as she says it, "mostly happily" married to boot; just for that alone, I should hate her. However, she makes me laugh, she talks a lot like I think, and she is just a pretty awesome woman all the way around. This one goes out to Lynnette from My So Called Life.
4. JT from The Goth Mom is both irreverent and funny, two of my favorite combinations. She also likes to fling around profanity and talks about penises on the blog; this is a must read, I tell you, and I am glad I found her. Or she found me and I stalked her. I really can't remember how we got together, but her blog is one of the ones I jones for if she hasn't written anything for awhile. Plus she puts up some really great pics.
5. And while I am almost 100% positive that Mr. Lady has already gotten this one, I am giving it to her again. Because she is fucking awesome. 'Nuff said.
6. Ronda over at Ronda's Rants deserves this just for her blog name alone. I love me a fellow ranter. And I haven't been reading her very long, but so far am enthralled and love it when she posts. Whenever I get around to updating my blogroll (does Thursday of next week work for y'all? If you want on it, you gotta let me know!), you can bet your ass she will be on it.
7. And last but not least, this goes out to the geekhiker. I followed him over from someone else's blog, and am enjoying the take of a single guy on dating. I have noticed that a good portion of his commenters are women who are also single, so methinks there are some "hopefuls" out there-I am not one of them. And I am being slightly naughty in the giving of THIS one because even though I DO like his blog, I have also been reading and commenting fairly regularly on his and he hasn't once been over to mine. Maybe this will lure him over into my little bloggy web.
There were a couple more, actually, both from April, and I love you for those, my friend. I will just put them on my sidebar and say thanks. You mean so much!
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