Just as a little aside here, does anyone else think old Patrick from the previous post has a God complex? I read his three lengthy comments and I don't quite know what his intention was or what kind of reaction he was hoping to get, but really, I have to tell him a big heartfelt thank you. Not because anything he said really made me change my way of thinking or to suddenly wake up and think, "Oh, wow, I have been sober almost 9 years thanks to AA, but shit, I have been doing it wrong!" No, no, I have really needed a good belly laugh, and he gave it to me tenfold. Hell, he gave me enough to laugh about for days! In addition, he also motivated me to try to feel a little less crazy, because I am preeeety sure that I don't want to end up in a straitjacket next to him. Just sayin'. And thanks for the defense, FreedomFirst, but for now I am just going to leave them up to remind of why it is that I believe the way I do.
Tonight Eli and I have a little meeting scheduled, to talk about the recent problems and what we are going to do about it. And to Jennifer, I know you meant well when you suggested more one-on-one time, and I am sure that would help some, but the problems we are experiencing go far beyond him needing a little extra attention. And regardless of whether he is feeling slighted or whatever it is, he is 14.5 years old, not 2; he is very capable of verbalizing what he is feeling, as well as mature enough to be well aware of the choices he is making. He is defying my authority and daring me to do something about it; he is stretching his little independent teenaged wings and trying to figure out his place in the world as a young man. And while I understand it to an extent, I will also not allow him to use that as an excuse for blatantly and unrepentantly causing problems and being hateful and vindictive.
I am well prepared for the fall-out from this post, but this is what I have decided. At our meeting tonight, we are going to sit down and discuss the problems and what the possible solutions might be. The way I see it, he has two choices: he can either get his shit together, and I will help him in what ways I can, including counseling should that be necessary, or he moves out. I would hate to send him to live with his dad for a variety of reasons, not the least of which that his dad really has no clue (and no, I don't dislike his dad, we actually get along quite well for the most part but really, he has no clue. Hannah did go live with him for a year and ended up calling me and begging to be able to come back home), but I am at the point where I have to take into account what is good for the entire family as opposed to what is best for Eli. Let's be honest: it would be best for Eli to have two parents, unlimited income, his own room and privacy and unqualified support in every arena of his life. It would be best for him to have a non-working mom who had time to spend with each child on a daily basis and to make a healthy dinner including all items from that food pyramid thing every night. Barring any of that, which is obviously not going to happen in his lifetime, it would be best if his struggling single mom had the support and help she needed from the schools, the Health and Welfare system, and Child Support Services so that perhaps this would not be a last resort. However, since either scenario is as ridiculous and far-fetched as the other, this is where I am at. Eli is going to have some choices to make, and yes, this IS his choice.
Part of our discussion tonight is going to be about the consequences for his recent behavior. The first thing is that he is NOT going to get his Sports Physical, which means he will have to drop out of the weight class and instead go to a different PE class. He is NOT going to be in Cross Country. He is NOT going to get new shorts for PE (his new complaint is that they are 1 quarter inch above his knees, which is apparently a huge fashion faux pas). He WILL be getting rid of his puppy, and he WILL be home every day after school, no exceptions. This trimester is over in November; he has two months in which to decide where he is going and what he is doing. I am well aware that he may choose to not follow through on my expectations; I hope he does, because the thought of not having him around hurts terribly. When Hannah was gone for that year with her dad, my heart hurt every day that she was away from me (and it was a different situation, she made the choice TO move up there). However, if I have learned only one thing about being a parent, it is that I can no more control their behavior or choices than I can George W. Bush's (and oh god, wouldn't I love it if I could?). All I can do is set down the rules, follow through on punishments, and try to lead them in the right direction.
Yes, I am strict, and there is a cold, callous streak in me that when I use it for good (as opposed to using it to hurt someone), it has been an invaluable tool in this parenting game. See, and I am not saying this in order to garner sympathy or pity, but instead to let you in on the reality: there is just me. We do have a lot of really great friends and people who love not just me but our entire family, but at the end of the day, it is myself and four kids. I have to set forth the rules, decide the punishment if said rules are broken, and also follow through. I need to be able to detach myself in order to be able to hold my kids accountable; believe me, when Owen is sobbing in time out or Hannah is pouting in her room or Sam is begging me to please give in or Eli turns on the charm, it is all I can do to stand firm and NOT give in. I want to give my kids everything they ask for and need, but the reality is that I can't. Not just because of physical circumstances, but because I really and truly believe that the most valuable thing I can teach my kids is personal responsibility/accountability. Part of that is following through on the consequences, natural and imposed; it might really, really suck, and in the sort term it hurts everyone who has to go through it, but I can't-and WON'T, no matter how much I want to-protect my kids from the fact that every choice has a result, good or bad.
So this is where we are today. I have been, as you know, feeling overwhelmed and not up to the task, but during the wee hours of the night while I was praying about it and journaling about it (Yep, Patrick, this Godless heathen who belongs to the terrible cult of AA actually can't make it through the day without praying!), the answer I got from The Big Guy was, "Hey there, chickadee, grow some balls. You are it. It isn't an option for you to go all Nancy on this kid. I am here hanging out with you and will give you what you need to be strong, but you are the parent. You can either sit here and piss and moan about how hard it is-and yes, it is, I know it, I feel it, and I hate to see you hurting-or you can get up and do something about it. And you are allowed to feel sad and vent and rant and be all two-year-old 'life isn't fair', because it isn't-but not in front of the kids. That's why you blog and have friends and go to AA, that's what I am here for too." (For the briefest moment, I thought I might really be going crazy because I swear I heard Him REALLY talking, but then I realized that the radio was playing in Eli's room. whew! But I DID get an answer, whether it was the one I wanted or not).
I am not impotent and powerless, even though I get bogged down at times and feel like I simply can't move. I am focusing now on taking things one step at a time, doing what is in front of me at any given moment, and leaving the rest in The Big Guy's hands. For me, this is part of floating on the wave I talked about yesterday; doing what I CAN do, stopping the fighting and floundering, and letting things happen as they will. That's all I got, really, and it isn't a bad thing unless I make it one, you know?
So life is still good, even though by my words it may not seem like it at times. I really believe that I haven't been brought this far only to be dropped on my ass at this point in time. It DOES get overwhelming, and hard, and lonely, but God knows I don't corner the market on those feelings. Mostly I just think it is the nature of life: you take what shit is thrown out at you, and you try to find a way to use the shit to fertilize something beautiful. Or you look at it and say "dude, this is shit"-and you throw it away. Whatever works best at the moment.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Riding the Wave-and Failing to Stay Afloat
Apologies go out to Maria today; via email, I told her that today would be the day I was going to post about that online community I have talked about, the one where I got forced out, and you know, I am trying. The beginnings of a post are there in draft form, but I am really struggling with getting it all together in a way that will make sense. It is coming, I promise; I have a really good idea about something in relation to this post, too, so we'll see if it pans out. I am not ignoring you, honey, I am really not!
On to other things. April and I have been talking some about emotions being waves, and the key to weathering them is learning how to ride it out. Well I tell you, I am having a really really hard time riding this emotional wave; seems like I am battling to stay on top of it, using all of my energy and considerable strength to keep my head above water, and all my thrashing about has done is make me really, really tired. I think for today I am just going to relax and float and let it carry me where it may. With hope, I will make it to shore.
Things on the home front have not been completely smooth the past few weeks; I know that part of it is that the kids are just settling in to the school routine and it is hard for them to make the transition, no matter how excited they are about school. Already the novelty has worn off and homework loads are increasing, and it just a difficult time. However, I can be as understanding as I want to be, but it certainly doesn't excuse bad behavior.
The most recent culprit is Eli, who is 14 and a half and is, well, he's a jerk. He has these chores-chores which he hates to do, which he grumbles about, which he does half-ass in the hopes that I will give up and just do it myself. Not so, little man, no so. I guess I am The Meanest Mom in the World, because I just make him do it over until her gets it right. So his most recent attempt at getting away with doing a crappy job involved sweeping everything off of the kitchen counter onto the floor, sweeping it up, and throwing it away. Which is all well and good save the fact that in the pile he threw away were these things: my bottle of antidepressants, a brand new package (unopened) of my good pens, the ones I use to write letters with, a $10 check from one of my survey sites, and all of the paperwork I needed to reapply for the Idaho Child Care program. I really, really tried to remain calm; I did. But the whole antidepressant thing is what kills me. I mean, what kind of kid just throws a bottle of pills away, a bottle of pills that he sees me open every morning and then place back on the counter? He has been looking for them for four days (meaning I have been out for four days), but finally confessed last night to having thrown them away (along with the above mentioned things). I was stunned. In addition to being stunned, I was and am furious. What the fuck? When asked for an explanation, his reply was that he was mad at me. So, you were mad at me, so you decided to punish ME by throwing away all of this stuff, including the pills that I really, really need. I can't call the doc and ask for another prescription because I get these free because I am poor-$160 a month for these is not something I can do. And I can't reorder for another three week, and they won't arrive until 6 weeks after THAT. The way they have it, I call to reorder when I have 6 weeks left, so I never run out. Anyway, this is the first time I have seen any kind of vindictive streak in Eli; even now, he doesn't seem to GET it. When I totally lost it and yelled, he just looked at me with this cold, calculating look, and then when I felt so overwhelmed and angry that I started crying, he just shrugged.his.shoulders. and walked away. Then later had the balls to tell me he needs new shorts, want to take Cross-Country again this year, AND needs his sports physical by Friday.
And then I go through the inevitable anger about having to do this alone. I am aware that I was overly sensitive last night anyway, but god, sometimes I would give my left arm to have someone in my corner backing me up. Though to some people the loss of antidepressants and paperwork is minor, to me and in my life, this is HUGE. Even more huge is Eli's blatant disregard for anyone's possessions other than his own, just to be mean. This isn't his usual mode, for sure, and I am at a loss as to how to deal with this. I feel so fucking angry that I have to do this on my own; even if I could call his dad and ask for backup, what I would get instead would be snide comments from the StepCunt about my already-questionable parenting abilities, while his dad would be all, "Oh, ha ha, boys will be boys." Yeah, fucker, whatever.
Aargh. So much for riding the wave and relaxing. I think it is time to stop for the day; perhaps tomorrow will be better, right?
PS: Blockbuster still has not returned my money. Can you believe that shit?
***Just like one of those infomercials: "But Wait! There's More!" When I went home for lunch, Eli's puppy had totally trashed the house. The two unopened packages of diapers opened and strewn all over the floor, the bathmat from the bathroom in the living room, my really nice Woolrich wool slippers that I haven't even had a chance to WEAR yet chewed up...see, the dog won't stay in the yard, but Eli spent all of his lawn mowing money on shit and therefore hasn't gotten her a collar with which she can be chained up. Then I had to go to the school and pick up a very, very ill Hannah; after dealing with no less than THREE assholes who work there but apparently spend more time beating off in the teachers lounge than actually working, I finally just walked down the hall and started opening doors; you can bet your ass that got their butts up off the chairs in a hurry: "An unauthorized person has entered the bulding!" There may be repercussions, but I frankly don't give shit. My daugher is sick, they would not stop their gossipfest long enough to call down to her classroom to give her permission to leave, I was going to find her. And about that: I am fairly sure she has a sinus and/or ear infection, she really is quite sick, but I have $50 which has to last until I get paid next Monday. She is the one of four kids with no insuracne; because her stupid dad refuses to take her off Washington Medicaid (and please don't ask me how he is getting away with it) because he has to sign a piece of paper agreeing that she lives with me full time, which nullifies his non-support order. So she can't be on Medicaid in Idaho, yet Washington won't pay for a visit out of state. Long story short, my kid is sick and I can't fix her, my 14 year old kid needs to be sent to Juvie, and I am out of drugs. Dude. This is sooome ride! ***
On to other things. April and I have been talking some about emotions being waves, and the key to weathering them is learning how to ride it out. Well I tell you, I am having a really really hard time riding this emotional wave; seems like I am battling to stay on top of it, using all of my energy and considerable strength to keep my head above water, and all my thrashing about has done is make me really, really tired. I think for today I am just going to relax and float and let it carry me where it may. With hope, I will make it to shore.
Things on the home front have not been completely smooth the past few weeks; I know that part of it is that the kids are just settling in to the school routine and it is hard for them to make the transition, no matter how excited they are about school. Already the novelty has worn off and homework loads are increasing, and it just a difficult time. However, I can be as understanding as I want to be, but it certainly doesn't excuse bad behavior.
The most recent culprit is Eli, who is 14 and a half and is, well, he's a jerk. He has these chores-chores which he hates to do, which he grumbles about, which he does half-ass in the hopes that I will give up and just do it myself. Not so, little man, no so. I guess I am The Meanest Mom in the World, because I just make him do it over until her gets it right. So his most recent attempt at getting away with doing a crappy job involved sweeping everything off of the kitchen counter onto the floor, sweeping it up, and throwing it away. Which is all well and good save the fact that in the pile he threw away were these things: my bottle of antidepressants, a brand new package (unopened) of my good pens, the ones I use to write letters with, a $10 check from one of my survey sites, and all of the paperwork I needed to reapply for the Idaho Child Care program. I really, really tried to remain calm; I did. But the whole antidepressant thing is what kills me. I mean, what kind of kid just throws a bottle of pills away, a bottle of pills that he sees me open every morning and then place back on the counter? He has been looking for them for four days (meaning I have been out for four days), but finally confessed last night to having thrown them away (along with the above mentioned things). I was stunned. In addition to being stunned, I was and am furious. What the fuck? When asked for an explanation, his reply was that he was mad at me. So, you were mad at me, so you decided to punish ME by throwing away all of this stuff, including the pills that I really, really need. I can't call the doc and ask for another prescription because I get these free because I am poor-$160 a month for these is not something I can do. And I can't reorder for another three week, and they won't arrive until 6 weeks after THAT. The way they have it, I call to reorder when I have 6 weeks left, so I never run out. Anyway, this is the first time I have seen any kind of vindictive streak in Eli; even now, he doesn't seem to GET it. When I totally lost it and yelled, he just looked at me with this cold, calculating look, and then when I felt so overwhelmed and angry that I started crying, he just shrugged.his.shoulders. and walked away. Then later had the balls to tell me he needs new shorts, want to take Cross-Country again this year, AND needs his sports physical by Friday.
And then I go through the inevitable anger about having to do this alone. I am aware that I was overly sensitive last night anyway, but god, sometimes I would give my left arm to have someone in my corner backing me up. Though to some people the loss of antidepressants and paperwork is minor, to me and in my life, this is HUGE. Even more huge is Eli's blatant disregard for anyone's possessions other than his own, just to be mean. This isn't his usual mode, for sure, and I am at a loss as to how to deal with this. I feel so fucking angry that I have to do this on my own; even if I could call his dad and ask for backup, what I would get instead would be snide comments from the StepCunt about my already-questionable parenting abilities, while his dad would be all, "Oh, ha ha, boys will be boys." Yeah, fucker, whatever.
Aargh. So much for riding the wave and relaxing. I think it is time to stop for the day; perhaps tomorrow will be better, right?
PS: Blockbuster still has not returned my money. Can you believe that shit?
***Just like one of those infomercials: "But Wait! There's More!" When I went home for lunch, Eli's puppy had totally trashed the house. The two unopened packages of diapers opened and strewn all over the floor, the bathmat from the bathroom in the living room, my really nice Woolrich wool slippers that I haven't even had a chance to WEAR yet chewed up...see, the dog won't stay in the yard, but Eli spent all of his lawn mowing money on shit and therefore hasn't gotten her a collar with which she can be chained up. Then I had to go to the school and pick up a very, very ill Hannah; after dealing with no less than THREE assholes who work there but apparently spend more time beating off in the teachers lounge than actually working, I finally just walked down the hall and started opening doors; you can bet your ass that got their butts up off the chairs in a hurry: "An unauthorized person has entered the bulding!" There may be repercussions, but I frankly don't give shit. My daugher is sick, they would not stop their gossipfest long enough to call down to her classroom to give her permission to leave, I was going to find her. And about that: I am fairly sure she has a sinus and/or ear infection, she really is quite sick, but I have $50 which has to last until I get paid next Monday. She is the one of four kids with no insuracne; because her stupid dad refuses to take her off Washington Medicaid (and please don't ask me how he is getting away with it) because he has to sign a piece of paper agreeing that she lives with me full time, which nullifies his non-support order. So she can't be on Medicaid in Idaho, yet Washington won't pay for a visit out of state. Long story short, my kid is sick and I can't fix her, my 14 year old kid needs to be sent to Juvie, and I am out of drugs. Dude. This is sooome ride! ***
Monday, September 8, 2008
It Would Have Been....
It would have been three years today for Steve and I. In many, many ways, we still are together, just not "together." Not that I expect that to make sense to anyone save myself and a very few select people. I have been a little out of sorts all weekend, and woke up this morning in an off mood. I didn't make the connection between the non-event and my mood until I was in the shower this morning, though. I am out of sorts because today would be our three year anniversary; instead of it being a celebration of a milestone, it will instead be marked by Steve taking Owen for a few hours and me going to an AA meeting. I cannot remark upon it, cannot say anything to him about it being a significant date, and instead have to pack up the baby's diaper bag and send them off together with a smile, even though inside I am so sad that this is what it has come down to. Especially when it is so unnecessary, when it did not have to be this way. Especially when I still love him so much, when I know that he does love me, but when it is just impossible to make him see that what I have to offer is not a burden, but a gift. My heart is more than a little heavy today, I am on the brink of tears, and at 9:00 a.m. I am already looking forward to this day passing, to waking up and having tomorrow be just another day.
This is part of why I know I am destined to stay single. Not because I am soooo in loooove with Steve that I am going to pine away and withhold my love from everyone else because I am so pathetic. No, even though I can honestly say that he is and will be the love of my life, that ephemeral "soul mate" that people talk about, I also know that there are millions of men in the world, and I could live with and love any number of them and be if not wildly happy then at least content. Of course, you don't see any of these men banging on my door begging to go out with me, but still, they are there somewhere. The thing is, I just don't have it in me to seek anyone out, don't have it in me to try to get to know someone and got through the whole weeding-out-the-losers thing, and as you all know, I hate to date. Hate it, suck at it, have no desire to do that. And I am aware that this is a choice I am making; despite the fact that I have been damaged very badly by the men in my life from childhood on, I know there are a lot of really great guys out there. I can't lay the blame on them for making me a victim, because I did that all by myself. I don't feel like a victim in this case, though; I mean, I am just aware of my limitations, of which there are many, and also know that I am not willing to do the work it would take to find someone. Basically, I just don't CARE anymore.
This is part of why I know I am destined to stay single. Not because I am soooo in loooove with Steve that I am going to pine away and withhold my love from everyone else because I am so pathetic. No, even though I can honestly say that he is and will be the love of my life, that ephemeral "soul mate" that people talk about, I also know that there are millions of men in the world, and I could live with and love any number of them and be if not wildly happy then at least content. Of course, you don't see any of these men banging on my door begging to go out with me, but still, they are there somewhere. The thing is, I just don't have it in me to seek anyone out, don't have it in me to try to get to know someone and got through the whole weeding-out-the-losers thing, and as you all know, I hate to date. Hate it, suck at it, have no desire to do that. And I am aware that this is a choice I am making; despite the fact that I have been damaged very badly by the men in my life from childhood on, I know there are a lot of really great guys out there. I can't lay the blame on them for making me a victim, because I did that all by myself. I don't feel like a victim in this case, though; I mean, I am just aware of my limitations, of which there are many, and also know that I am not willing to do the work it would take to find someone. Basically, I just don't CARE anymore.
Which is, of course, a lie; I care too much. Loving too much-that is a problem for me. Back in the day when I was a drunk, I did it for all the wrong reasons-because I couldn't stand to be in my own skin, my own life, so I gave everything I had to the people around me so that I wouldn't have to be alone with me. It isn't like that anymore, and I have come to terms with the way I used to be, compared it toe way I am now, and find that I am a million times more comfortable now than I ever have been. However, when I do love someone, I love them with all I have. In sobriety, it is much easier for me to keep clear lines of demarcation between myself and my partner-I have worked too hard to find myself to lose myself in another person. However, I still love wholly and unreservedly, and therein lies the problem.
Time to rethink a lot of my previously held ideas and beliefs. One is the whole Friends with Benefits thing; I have a really hard time with this concept, which is also related to my drinking days. I fucked around indiscriminately, and I have made a point since my divorce of choosing very carefully my partners. I was celibate for a long time before I met Steve, and I really do believe that for me (and ONLY me, this is not a judgement call at all!), it isn't good for me to have sex with someone I don't care about. I guess because being with Steve has shown me that when you love someone, it IS different. Lots. So I think I need to work on becoming more cold and callous about sex (ie, I should start thinking like a man!). Not quite sure how to do that one, but I imagine it will come.
Also, I will be the first to admit that despite my history, I still believe in love. I guess you would call me a hopeless romantic, which frankly sucks. So another project in this New Year of mine is to get over the whole "Love is gentle, love is kind" shit, the belief that as long as there is love, there is hope. I believe that the only true love that matters is the love I have for my kids; the rest is just some mythical bullshit that really has no impact on our lives. If anything, it serves as a temporary good feeling that will eventually end.
I am just pissy today; tomorrow will be better, because this terrible day will be over. And while I AM especially bitter today and it is making itself known, I also know that deep down I already AM cynical, so I don't really have that much work to do in becoming more so. I think what is hitting me the hardest is that for a little while, I really did think that things were going to work out for me and my family just this once. And this days just serves a a reminder that no, in fact, it isn't.
Tune in tomorrow; maybe I will be in a better mood. And I will leave you with a funny: Over the weekend, a man was stabbed in a fight outside an apartment complex; he later died. THAT part is sad, it really is. The funny part is the story in the paper: "So and so was stabbed in a fight over the weekend, he later died. Foul play is suspected."
Friday, September 5, 2008
Getting Some Love
All I can say today is WOW. I have been the recipient of more little gifts from some of my bloggy friends, and I just feel floored, I really do. Some of these I have been hanging onto for a little while while waiting for the perfect opportunity to post them, but there never IS a perfect opportunity, so here goes:
Awhile back, I got the Kick Ass Blogger award from Tara, and much to my surprise, I also received the same award from Literal Dan. A huge thank you to BOTH of them for thinking I kick ass. And yes, I really just like to say that; it makes me feel a lot tougher than I really am.
Next, Melissa over at Taking What is Left gave me this lovely award; isn't it beautiful?
I can't remember if there were specific rules about this one, but there are four women whom I really, really love who deserve this one. The first is April over at It's All About Balance, which surely comes as no surpise to any of you. The second is Freedom First, the third is Hugabug, and the last is Julie. All four of these women were part of the online community I got forced out of (yes, Maria, I will blog about it one of these days!). These four women were THERE for me-despite completely different religious views, despite political disagreements, despite the fact that I am much more in-your-face than most (save my dear April, perhaps), I got nothing but unqualified support from them, even long after I left. So this isn't an award, per se, in terms of how great their blogs are, or that they necessarily need to post it or send it on, but instead a very heartfelt thank you to these women who have been part of my personal journey for a very long time. I love all four of you, truly, and am constantly grateful that you took turns holding me up during some really shitty times. Whether you knew it or not, the four of you combined pulled be back from that abyss about which I have written more than once.
Ahem, **sniff** on to the next one. Susie over at Nothing Clever To Say gave me THIS one:
Awhile back, I got the Kick Ass Blogger award from Tara, and much to my surprise, I also received the same award from Literal Dan. A huge thank you to BOTH of them for thinking I kick ass. And yes, I really just like to say that; it makes me feel a lot tougher than I really am.
Next, Melissa over at Taking What is Left gave me this lovely award; isn't it beautiful?
I can't remember if there were specific rules about this one, but there are four women whom I really, really love who deserve this one. The first is April over at It's All About Balance, which surely comes as no surpise to any of you. The second is Freedom First, the third is Hugabug, and the last is Julie. All four of these women were part of the online community I got forced out of (yes, Maria, I will blog about it one of these days!). These four women were THERE for me-despite completely different religious views, despite political disagreements, despite the fact that I am much more in-your-face than most (save my dear April, perhaps), I got nothing but unqualified support from them, even long after I left. So this isn't an award, per se, in terms of how great their blogs are, or that they necessarily need to post it or send it on, but instead a very heartfelt thank you to these women who have been part of my personal journey for a very long time. I love all four of you, truly, and am constantly grateful that you took turns holding me up during some really shitty times. Whether you knew it or not, the four of you combined pulled be back from that abyss about which I have written more than once.
Ahem, **sniff** on to the next one. Susie over at Nothing Clever To Say gave me THIS one:
This one DOES have rules, and I think I am supposed to pick Seven blogs to whom to pass this, but I don't think I can come up with that many. All of the blog I read are worthy of this award or I wouldn't read them, but I am afraid that some of my people have already gotten this one. However, here goes my attempt:
1. Single Working Mommy . A good part of my blog roll consists of fellow single moms, simply because that is where my life is at right now. This woman has a son who is very close in age to my Owen, so there is much to relate to there. Also, she seems to have her head on pretty straight, which I am envious of and want to be more like. Thanks for your friendship!
2. Following in the same vein, this also goes out to Pisceshanna over at Cost of Living. She has a little cutie called LB, lives in what she calls The Projects, and is a fierce, loyal single mama. Her ex, the Rooferman, sounds eerily similar to mine, whom I simply call the Fuck-Up, so my heart goes out to her and LB for all of the heartache he causes. Despite this, she gets up every morning and goes to work and takes care of her baby and, quite simply knocks my socks off daily.
3. Veering off, this woman is MARRIED, which really should be a strike against her. And as she says it, "mostly happily" married to boot; just for that alone, I should hate her. However, she makes me laugh, she talks a lot like I think, and she is just a pretty awesome woman all the way around. This one goes out to Lynnette from My So Called Life.
4. JT from The Goth Mom is both irreverent and funny, two of my favorite combinations. She also likes to fling around profanity and talks about penises on the blog; this is a must read, I tell you, and I am glad I found her. Or she found me and I stalked her. I really can't remember how we got together, but her blog is one of the ones I jones for if she hasn't written anything for awhile. Plus she puts up some really great pics.
5. And while I am almost 100% positive that Mr. Lady has already gotten this one, I am giving it to her again. Because she is fucking awesome. 'Nuff said.
6. Ronda over at Ronda's Rants deserves this just for her blog name alone. I love me a fellow ranter. And I haven't been reading her very long, but so far am enthralled and love it when she posts. Whenever I get around to updating my blogroll (does Thursday of next week work for y'all? If you want on it, you gotta let me know!), you can bet your ass she will be on it.
7. And last but not least, this goes out to the geekhiker. I followed him over from someone else's blog, and am enjoying the take of a single guy on dating. I have noticed that a good portion of his commenters are women who are also single, so methinks there are some "hopefuls" out there-I am not one of them. And I am being slightly naughty in the giving of THIS one because even though I DO like his blog, I have also been reading and commenting fairly regularly on his and he hasn't once been over to mine. Maybe this will lure him over into my little bloggy web.
There were a couple more, actually, both from April, and I love you for those, my friend. I will just put them on my sidebar and say thanks. You mean so much!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Letter to Netflix
Dear Netflix,
I owe you a sincere apology. When you were going through some shipping and billing issues, I did not give you a chance to straighten them out, and I allowed our wonderful, fulfilling relationship of two years to fall by the wayside without giving you a second chance. You can't know how terrible I feel about this, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
I also have a confession to make: during the last month of our separation, I cheated on you. I bought into the hype and the supposed benefits (and the additional 1000 points I got from MyPoints was also a huge influence, I am sad to say) and actually **gasp**signed up for Blockbuster. In my defense, and I will admit it is a shabby defense at best, I really and truly believed that Blockbuster had my best interests at heart. The services offered were almost exactly the same as yours, and the price was actually better. In front of God and everybody, I will admit now that I am a whore; I was in the relationship for the money. I mean, a $5 savings is a $5 savings, right?
Wrong. I was so, so wrong, and am paying dearly for my fickle taste and my unwillingness to shell out money. You see, from the very beginning, Blockbuster treated me poorly. Within minutes of signing up for my "free" trial, they had put a hold on my debit card for $19.99. This was okay, really, I understand that they wanted to make sure I had the money prior to putting out for me. I get that. You did the same thing when I first signed up for your free trial two years ago, using the very same debit card. Then, it took them very nearly a week to get my movies shipped out to me. Again, I gave them the benefit of the doubt by thinking that perhaps once everything got processed, it would all go much more smoothly. Not so, Netflix, not so. During this "free" trial, I was only able to get two movie shipments; this, despite the fact that the nearest shipping facility is is Salt Lake, which gets mail from here overnight. You, on the other hand, are the exact same distance from me going west as they are going east, and you have a three-day-turnaround.
The last straw occurred yesterday, when I received an email from Blockbuster informing me that my payment had been declined. Even though they had already put on hold the amount at the beginning of the free trial. I emailed Customer Service and explained that they already had a hold on the money, and they should just, you know, use it. The person who replied to me carried the very dubious title of Customer Service Representative, and I say dubious because I really believe the only thing this person I will call P. is capable of servicing would be the neighbor's dog. Just saying. To make a very long story short, I got a lecture about how my debit card works (because, you know, I haven't been using it very long, just two years. I might not really know how it works), and how even though my account summary says they have the amount on hold, they really don't. Apparently, dear Netflix, I have also somehow forgotten how to read a financial statement. Ultimately, P. told me that he can't help me, and he will just cancel my account on my behalf. Since, you know, I wasn't willing to pay AGAIN. And I'll be damned, I am not getting my money back! Since according to THEIR records, they never put a hold on my account for the $19.99. I did offer to fax old P. a copy of MY billing statement, which shows the amount of the hold, the date it was put into place, and even the terminal number from which the transaction was generated. P. said no thanks, they would just go by their records.
So once again, my desire to save a buck and perhaps get better services has backfired, and not only am I out the $19.99 (believe me, though, I am not done with Blockbuster yet; they have no idea just how squeaky this wheel can get!), but I no longer have a movie service. I am asking you , begging you now, if you can please forgive me and just let me come back. I promise to remain faithful to you this time, and not allow some petty little shipping issue come between us. I promise to spread word of your rapid turnaround, your excellent Customer Service, the vast array of choices available, and the variety of payment plans if you will just please allow me to be one of your customers again. The only problem is that I have to wait until Blockbuster coughs up my dough OR I get paid again so I can load more money onto my card. If you can be patient with me just one more week, I will gladly leap back into your arms and never leave you again.
Sincerely, adoringly, and penitently yours,
Kori
I owe you a sincere apology. When you were going through some shipping and billing issues, I did not give you a chance to straighten them out, and I allowed our wonderful, fulfilling relationship of two years to fall by the wayside without giving you a second chance. You can't know how terrible I feel about this, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
I also have a confession to make: during the last month of our separation, I cheated on you. I bought into the hype and the supposed benefits (and the additional 1000 points I got from MyPoints was also a huge influence, I am sad to say) and actually **gasp**signed up for Blockbuster. In my defense, and I will admit it is a shabby defense at best, I really and truly believed that Blockbuster had my best interests at heart. The services offered were almost exactly the same as yours, and the price was actually better. In front of God and everybody, I will admit now that I am a whore; I was in the relationship for the money. I mean, a $5 savings is a $5 savings, right?
Wrong. I was so, so wrong, and am paying dearly for my fickle taste and my unwillingness to shell out money. You see, from the very beginning, Blockbuster treated me poorly. Within minutes of signing up for my "free" trial, they had put a hold on my debit card for $19.99. This was okay, really, I understand that they wanted to make sure I had the money prior to putting out for me. I get that. You did the same thing when I first signed up for your free trial two years ago, using the very same debit card. Then, it took them very nearly a week to get my movies shipped out to me. Again, I gave them the benefit of the doubt by thinking that perhaps once everything got processed, it would all go much more smoothly. Not so, Netflix, not so. During this "free" trial, I was only able to get two movie shipments; this, despite the fact that the nearest shipping facility is is Salt Lake, which gets mail from here overnight. You, on the other hand, are the exact same distance from me going west as they are going east, and you have a three-day-turnaround.
The last straw occurred yesterday, when I received an email from Blockbuster informing me that my payment had been declined. Even though they had already put on hold the amount at the beginning of the free trial. I emailed Customer Service and explained that they already had a hold on the money, and they should just, you know, use it. The person who replied to me carried the very dubious title of Customer Service Representative, and I say dubious because I really believe the only thing this person I will call P. is capable of servicing would be the neighbor's dog. Just saying. To make a very long story short, I got a lecture about how my debit card works (because, you know, I haven't been using it very long, just two years. I might not really know how it works), and how even though my account summary says they have the amount on hold, they really don't. Apparently, dear Netflix, I have also somehow forgotten how to read a financial statement. Ultimately, P. told me that he can't help me, and he will just cancel my account on my behalf. Since, you know, I wasn't willing to pay AGAIN. And I'll be damned, I am not getting my money back! Since according to THEIR records, they never put a hold on my account for the $19.99. I did offer to fax old P. a copy of MY billing statement, which shows the amount of the hold, the date it was put into place, and even the terminal number from which the transaction was generated. P. said no thanks, they would just go by their records.
So once again, my desire to save a buck and perhaps get better services has backfired, and not only am I out the $19.99 (believe me, though, I am not done with Blockbuster yet; they have no idea just how squeaky this wheel can get!), but I no longer have a movie service. I am asking you , begging you now, if you can please forgive me and just let me come back. I promise to remain faithful to you this time, and not allow some petty little shipping issue come between us. I promise to spread word of your rapid turnaround, your excellent Customer Service, the vast array of choices available, and the variety of payment plans if you will just please allow me to be one of your customers again. The only problem is that I have to wait until Blockbuster coughs up my dough OR I get paid again so I can load more money onto my card. If you can be patient with me just one more week, I will gladly leap back into your arms and never leave you again.
Sincerely, adoringly, and penitently yours,
Kori
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Save Money, Live Better My Ass!
I did something last night that I vowed not to do, something that I have studiously avoided doing for months and months and months. Something I actually haven't done in better than a year, if not longer. And even though I was in a position of having no other options, even though I was forced into doing this thing due to circumstances beyond my control, it still left a bitter taste in my mouth.
Yep, I went to Wal-Mart. Believe me, I really tried not to. We had to do some more school shopping, so we went to a discount store called Value's first, where we were able to get the rest of their notebooks (they have a particular notebook made of recycled paper that both Eli and I are fond of, which is why we went there in the first place), a binder, pens and pencils, as well as laundry soap and shampoo and a couple of other things we needed. Just slightly over $40-not bad, not bad at all. I was specifically looking for training pants for Owen, but despite the wide variety of baby items, they did not carry those. Still, we were ahead of the game. We then went to JC Penney to look at socks and undies. There were no good sales going on so we opted not to get them there, and they didn't have training pants there, either. We had to go get shoes anyway, so I thought we could just pick up socks at Payless as well. We did good there, too, getting all four kids a pair of shoes for $73; however, socks were really expensive there as well-I cannot justify spending $10 for three pairs of socks. Please. We went to one other store looking for socks and training pants and underwear, a new one that just opened, but it was a higher-end store carrying Polo and Calvin Klein stuff-no thanks. That left Wal-Mart.
I won't quibble about the prices for the socks and underwear for the big kids; they were about an average price, I suppose, and at least they were Hanes. I love me some Hanes 100% cotton socks, for ALL the kids. None of these cheap nylon spandex cotton blend crap, because they tend to exacerbate stinky feet and toe rot. Just saying. Plus, we hadn't had any luck finding any less expensive ones anywhere else, so whatever. But the training pants? Holy God, those fuckers were pricey. $7.00 for three pairs. Which is not enough for a day, so I had to buy two packages and resign myself to washing more times a day. Also, those vinyl pants to cover them up? $8.00, though at least they came in a package of six. I had ONE option to choose from, and they weren't even the ones I was hoping to find. Still, he needs them, and it isn't as if there are a ton of other options in this area.
So the whole training pants thing set me off, and I spent the rest of the time in Wal-Mart muttering things like, "Save money, live better my ASS, this is a total racket!" And it IS. I swear, each store must have a minion or two going to all the other stores in the area and finding the things that they DON'T carry; then they trudge over to Management,who says "Okay, none of the stores in our area sell training pants, so let's find the cheapest retail price on ONE brand and jack them up; people will pay for them because they have no choice!" And the bitch of it is that it is true. My poor kids; though they well know how I feel and are beginning to succumb to my constant brainwashing (yay for me!), I don't imagine it is very much fun to walk around with me muttering like a mad woman; I think at one point I referred to it as a modern day sweatshop.
And let me ask, WHY are there no other options here? Because of Wal-Mart; we used to have a K-Mart here, and even though they are questionable and went through the whole bankruptcy and closing down scads of stores thing, they were still better than Wal-Mart; it gave us options. However, when Wal-Mart decided to go Super-Center instead of Regular, K-Mart got forced out. In addition to K-Mart closing, we have also had two grocery stores close (and even Albertson's is failing; rumor has it that they might make it another year), our small mall has only two stores left...and up until Wal-Mart expanded, these were thriving small businesses. I am all for free enterprise and all that good shit; it's all about the money, and I am not stupid-I know that's how the world works. However, there is a huge difference between making a healthy profit and raping the customers, and Wal-Mart seems to have the ass-fucking down to a science.
You take a small area like this and promise some 200 jobs; of course we are going to show up at the planning and zoning meetings and say "Hell yeah, that sounds great! We need jobs!" We DO need jobs; however, where is the ability to think it through and see that 200 part-time, minimum-wage, no benefits jobs isn't really going to make a dent in our already lagging economy? Still, the vote got passed by a healthy margin, and the Super-Center arrived. We had the jobs, for a little while people were happy-I mean, really, a one-stop-shopping center? That basically caters to the working individual without a lot of money to spare? Great quality, cheap prices, how could there be a problem?
But then the other stores started closing, and call me a conspiracy theorist if you want, but this is exactly what Wal-Mart intended. Lower the prices until they have effectively shut down any competitor, wait until people get used to shopping for everything there, and then jack the prices up-we have nowhere else to go. Lower the quality at the same time so that things fall apart more quickly, thus ensuring that we have to go back. I also think they have been sitting back in the wings rubbing their hands with glee as the gas prices have risen; that is just one more way to force us to shop there.
I am not EVEN going to start on their poor business practices, and how they do a lot of things that are legal but are totally unethical. That would take me days to fully articulate, and even then I wouldn't be able to truly convey how much I hate this corporation and everything they stand for. Instead, I will say this: that if I, the single mother of four kids, can afford to shop elsewhere in order to avoid Wal-Mart, anyone can. I have learned that while I might pay more at, say, Penney's (which is actually my new favorite store, with Target running a close second), the quality far exceeds the price, and I end up spending less in the long run. Clothes from Penney's and Target get too small-they don't wear out or rip at the seams, therefore I don't have to replace them nearly as often. Sears has the guarantee on kids clothes that if they wear out-including the knees!-before the kid outgrows them, they will replace them at no cost to you, the consumer. This is well worth it when you have growing boys who are rough on clothes just by putting them on. Old Navy, while not as of good a quality as they used to be, is still a reasonable place to shop. While I DO have the problem of living in a rural area with only one of the above stores nearby, I try to wait until we need several items and drive 40 miles to go to a different store-the money I save in the long run by far pays for my gas. I shop at the grocery store in town here, and even though some of the prices may be slightly higher, I get the added benefit of receiving points for every dollar I spend-redeemable for coupons or gift cards or merchandise. This paid for my kids' clothes from Old Navy for the vacation, and last year paid for better than half of their Christmas presents-so again in the long run, I am saving money.
I just wish more people had a social conscience; yes, money is tight for everyone, but I am a firm believer in you get what you pay for; if you buy in a place that sells shit, I am pretty sure you are just going to go home with a bag full of shit. I might have had to go there the once, but you can guarantee that I am SO going online to find the goddamned training pants elsewhere. I wish that more people would stop and think about the negative effects that Wal-Mart has not just on little town, but in many, many others. I wish that people would take a stand and say "Hey, asshole, we are NOT going to shop or work here because we don't support what you stand for!" The people I met from Canada over the summer, Mark and Iris, were telling me that Wal-Mart overrode all public outcry and somehow managed to get a permit to build in their town (can anyone say "bribe?" I bet the chairman of the Planning and Zoning Commission, or whatever the Canadian equivalent is, has a nice little nest egg now!), and the store got built all right-but now they can't find anyone to WORK their. They said, "No thanks, we don't want to work for you because you suck." Last I heard, they still hadn't opened-and I say yay! Too bad more people don't have the same mindset-I think we would see a lot of changes.
Now that I am done ranting about this for a minute, I think I need to go brush my teeth; the bitter taste is back in my mouth, and I am disgusted with myself all over again.
Yep, I went to Wal-Mart. Believe me, I really tried not to. We had to do some more school shopping, so we went to a discount store called Value's first, where we were able to get the rest of their notebooks (they have a particular notebook made of recycled paper that both Eli and I are fond of, which is why we went there in the first place), a binder, pens and pencils, as well as laundry soap and shampoo and a couple of other things we needed. Just slightly over $40-not bad, not bad at all. I was specifically looking for training pants for Owen, but despite the wide variety of baby items, they did not carry those. Still, we were ahead of the game. We then went to JC Penney to look at socks and undies. There were no good sales going on so we opted not to get them there, and they didn't have training pants there, either. We had to go get shoes anyway, so I thought we could just pick up socks at Payless as well. We did good there, too, getting all four kids a pair of shoes for $73; however, socks were really expensive there as well-I cannot justify spending $10 for three pairs of socks. Please. We went to one other store looking for socks and training pants and underwear, a new one that just opened, but it was a higher-end store carrying Polo and Calvin Klein stuff-no thanks. That left Wal-Mart.
I won't quibble about the prices for the socks and underwear for the big kids; they were about an average price, I suppose, and at least they were Hanes. I love me some Hanes 100% cotton socks, for ALL the kids. None of these cheap nylon spandex cotton blend crap, because they tend to exacerbate stinky feet and toe rot. Just saying. Plus, we hadn't had any luck finding any less expensive ones anywhere else, so whatever. But the training pants? Holy God, those fuckers were pricey. $7.00 for three pairs. Which is not enough for a day, so I had to buy two packages and resign myself to washing more times a day. Also, those vinyl pants to cover them up? $8.00, though at least they came in a package of six. I had ONE option to choose from, and they weren't even the ones I was hoping to find. Still, he needs them, and it isn't as if there are a ton of other options in this area.
So the whole training pants thing set me off, and I spent the rest of the time in Wal-Mart muttering things like, "Save money, live better my ASS, this is a total racket!" And it IS. I swear, each store must have a minion or two going to all the other stores in the area and finding the things that they DON'T carry; then they trudge over to Management,who says "Okay, none of the stores in our area sell training pants, so let's find the cheapest retail price on ONE brand and jack them up; people will pay for them because they have no choice!" And the bitch of it is that it is true. My poor kids; though they well know how I feel and are beginning to succumb to my constant brainwashing (yay for me!), I don't imagine it is very much fun to walk around with me muttering like a mad woman; I think at one point I referred to it as a modern day sweatshop.
And let me ask, WHY are there no other options here? Because of Wal-Mart; we used to have a K-Mart here, and even though they are questionable and went through the whole bankruptcy and closing down scads of stores thing, they were still better than Wal-Mart; it gave us options. However, when Wal-Mart decided to go Super-Center instead of Regular, K-Mart got forced out. In addition to K-Mart closing, we have also had two grocery stores close (and even Albertson's is failing; rumor has it that they might make it another year), our small mall has only two stores left...and up until Wal-Mart expanded, these were thriving small businesses. I am all for free enterprise and all that good shit; it's all about the money, and I am not stupid-I know that's how the world works. However, there is a huge difference between making a healthy profit and raping the customers, and Wal-Mart seems to have the ass-fucking down to a science.
You take a small area like this and promise some 200 jobs; of course we are going to show up at the planning and zoning meetings and say "Hell yeah, that sounds great! We need jobs!" We DO need jobs; however, where is the ability to think it through and see that 200 part-time, minimum-wage, no benefits jobs isn't really going to make a dent in our already lagging economy? Still, the vote got passed by a healthy margin, and the Super-Center arrived. We had the jobs, for a little while people were happy-I mean, really, a one-stop-shopping center? That basically caters to the working individual without a lot of money to spare? Great quality, cheap prices, how could there be a problem?
But then the other stores started closing, and call me a conspiracy theorist if you want, but this is exactly what Wal-Mart intended. Lower the prices until they have effectively shut down any competitor, wait until people get used to shopping for everything there, and then jack the prices up-we have nowhere else to go. Lower the quality at the same time so that things fall apart more quickly, thus ensuring that we have to go back. I also think they have been sitting back in the wings rubbing their hands with glee as the gas prices have risen; that is just one more way to force us to shop there.
I am not EVEN going to start on their poor business practices, and how they do a lot of things that are legal but are totally unethical. That would take me days to fully articulate, and even then I wouldn't be able to truly convey how much I hate this corporation and everything they stand for. Instead, I will say this: that if I, the single mother of four kids, can afford to shop elsewhere in order to avoid Wal-Mart, anyone can. I have learned that while I might pay more at, say, Penney's (which is actually my new favorite store, with Target running a close second), the quality far exceeds the price, and I end up spending less in the long run. Clothes from Penney's and Target get too small-they don't wear out or rip at the seams, therefore I don't have to replace them nearly as often. Sears has the guarantee on kids clothes that if they wear out-including the knees!-before the kid outgrows them, they will replace them at no cost to you, the consumer. This is well worth it when you have growing boys who are rough on clothes just by putting them on. Old Navy, while not as of good a quality as they used to be, is still a reasonable place to shop. While I DO have the problem of living in a rural area with only one of the above stores nearby, I try to wait until we need several items and drive 40 miles to go to a different store-the money I save in the long run by far pays for my gas. I shop at the grocery store in town here, and even though some of the prices may be slightly higher, I get the added benefit of receiving points for every dollar I spend-redeemable for coupons or gift cards or merchandise. This paid for my kids' clothes from Old Navy for the vacation, and last year paid for better than half of their Christmas presents-so again in the long run, I am saving money.
I just wish more people had a social conscience; yes, money is tight for everyone, but I am a firm believer in you get what you pay for; if you buy in a place that sells shit, I am pretty sure you are just going to go home with a bag full of shit. I might have had to go there the once, but you can guarantee that I am SO going online to find the goddamned training pants elsewhere. I wish that more people would stop and think about the negative effects that Wal-Mart has not just on little town, but in many, many others. I wish that people would take a stand and say "Hey, asshole, we are NOT going to shop or work here because we don't support what you stand for!" The people I met from Canada over the summer, Mark and Iris, were telling me that Wal-Mart overrode all public outcry and somehow managed to get a permit to build in their town (can anyone say "bribe?" I bet the chairman of the Planning and Zoning Commission, or whatever the Canadian equivalent is, has a nice little nest egg now!), and the store got built all right-but now they can't find anyone to WORK their. They said, "No thanks, we don't want to work for you because you suck." Last I heard, they still hadn't opened-and I say yay! Too bad more people don't have the same mindset-I think we would see a lot of changes.
Now that I am done ranting about this for a minute, I think I need to go brush my teeth; the bitter taste is back in my mouth, and I am disgusted with myself all over again.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
My Own Personal New Year
Almost literally overnight, fall has arrived here. It was chilly last night, and this morning I woke up to frost on the ground. A light frost, but a frost nonetheless. I really love autumn and all that goes with it-school starting, cooler nights and warm days, soup in the crock pot, pumpkins. The month of September has to be one of my favorites, and also my own personal New Year. Ever since I was a child, the beginning of school was such a huge event in my life, and ever since then, September is when I take stock of my life, look at where I have been in the last year and also where I want to be. It is a time of really recognizing not only my own growth, but my mistakes and things I want to change, and the rest of the year will be spent working on those things which have caught my attention.
I had a couple of insights over the long weekend regarding Steve. He very unexpectedly invited us to go camping-I had thought he was just wanting to take Owen, which would have been fine too, but no, we were all invited (the other three kids didn't want to go, so it ended up being just Steve, Owen and I). I told him that I really couldn't afford to go-usually I at least provide some of the food, especially if all of us are going-but he said for me not to worry about it. So I didn't. He paid for everything, including dinner on the way. "As well he should!' you might all be thinking, and I would agree. But my insight was this: his invitation, as well as his willingness to pay for the trip, was his way of apologizing. He cannot or will not apologize for the fight we got into, he will not ever come right out and say, "I was wrong, I screwed up my money and I took it out on you instead of being mad at myself." He just won't; and while I have always known this about him, it only just occurred to me that this is his pattern; when he has messed up, he tries to make up for it in other ways, even if that isn't what I need from him. I am not excusing his behavior, not at all. He treated me very poorly, of that I am in no doubt. However, the fact that he doesn't come right out and SAY, "I am sorry, I fucked up" does not mean that he doesn't try to show it in other ways. I was able to be much more generous with him than in the past (because believe me, I am really, really good at holding onto a resentment or punishing someone for not doing/being who and what I want them to be. This is a constant battle for me). So one of the things I am going to try to do differently is being aware that while he might not SAY he is sorry, he very often MEANS he is, and even though I feel like I NEED to hear the words, maybe I don't. This very well may bleed over into other areas in my life, too, because I am judgemental, a bitch, and oh-so-rigid. I tend to get slighted once and totally cut people off with my coldness. I don't want to be that way so much this year, so I am going to try to look more at what people do and take into account the fact that just because I say I am sorry and try not to make the same mistake doesn't mean that everyone is the same way. Ha, what a novel concept, right? Something that most people would see as a no-brainer, but something I haven't fully grasped until now.
Another insight I had while on one of our 40 mile ATV rides: I posted about my resentment toward Steve for having parents who will help him pay his bills or help him out in other ways financially, and that really has been a bone of contention with us all along. And in my own defense, they are terrible enablers, and have really tried to protect Steve from the consequences of his choices, despite the fact that he is almost 40. Which has, of course, led him to believe that he CAN escape the consequences-he has thus far, for the most part. What I realized was that I am jealous; insanely, terribly, disgustingly jealous-because I do not have parents who help me out AT ALL. My mom is-well. She likes to be the hero and come in to save us kids when something goes wrong-but if she has to help in any financial way, there is a price. My mom is the last person in the world I would ask for help, because the cost is too high. And my dad-my dad's presence in my life is virtually non-existent (which is partly my fault, too, because I am not what one would consider a model child). So yes, I am horribly jealous, which is just making ME sick-it isn't changing any of their behaviors. So I see that the thing I need to work on AGAIN is accepting that my family is the way they are, and I can either make peace with it or die angry and bitter-which only hurts me. It isn't Steve or his family I am really angry toward, it is my own-and damn it, I thought I was pretty well past this, thought that I had for the most part come to terms with things and accepted them-but apparently there is still more work to be done.
So this year's work begins. Always relationship issues, always family issues, and it seems sometimes that the work is never done. I don't know that I will ever fully heal from my earlier life, and while I don't use it as an excuse for poor behavior, there is no doubt that it affects my life daily. Same with relationship issues; I have to work on resolving the baggage with Steve, take responsibility of my own shit and work on making positive changes for myself. This involves a lot of self-love and forgiveness, which is in short supply a lot of the time. What I do know is that I am too old to go through the same shit I have already been through-and if I don't want to do that, I have to change my belief systems and work on resolving some of this crap. Whether I ultimately end up with Steve or someone else entirely, I have to find a way to get over my belief that I am not deserving or worthy of love, and that men are not ALL entirely assholes.
Looks like I have a long road ahead, but not nearly so long a road as the one behind me. It will be a good year, of that I am confident.
I had a couple of insights over the long weekend regarding Steve. He very unexpectedly invited us to go camping-I had thought he was just wanting to take Owen, which would have been fine too, but no, we were all invited (the other three kids didn't want to go, so it ended up being just Steve, Owen and I). I told him that I really couldn't afford to go-usually I at least provide some of the food, especially if all of us are going-but he said for me not to worry about it. So I didn't. He paid for everything, including dinner on the way. "As well he should!' you might all be thinking, and I would agree. But my insight was this: his invitation, as well as his willingness to pay for the trip, was his way of apologizing. He cannot or will not apologize for the fight we got into, he will not ever come right out and say, "I was wrong, I screwed up my money and I took it out on you instead of being mad at myself." He just won't; and while I have always known this about him, it only just occurred to me that this is his pattern; when he has messed up, he tries to make up for it in other ways, even if that isn't what I need from him. I am not excusing his behavior, not at all. He treated me very poorly, of that I am in no doubt. However, the fact that he doesn't come right out and SAY, "I am sorry, I fucked up" does not mean that he doesn't try to show it in other ways. I was able to be much more generous with him than in the past (because believe me, I am really, really good at holding onto a resentment or punishing someone for not doing/being who and what I want them to be. This is a constant battle for me). So one of the things I am going to try to do differently is being aware that while he might not SAY he is sorry, he very often MEANS he is, and even though I feel like I NEED to hear the words, maybe I don't. This very well may bleed over into other areas in my life, too, because I am judgemental, a bitch, and oh-so-rigid. I tend to get slighted once and totally cut people off with my coldness. I don't want to be that way so much this year, so I am going to try to look more at what people do and take into account the fact that just because I say I am sorry and try not to make the same mistake doesn't mean that everyone is the same way. Ha, what a novel concept, right? Something that most people would see as a no-brainer, but something I haven't fully grasped until now.
Another insight I had while on one of our 40 mile ATV rides: I posted about my resentment toward Steve for having parents who will help him pay his bills or help him out in other ways financially, and that really has been a bone of contention with us all along. And in my own defense, they are terrible enablers, and have really tried to protect Steve from the consequences of his choices, despite the fact that he is almost 40. Which has, of course, led him to believe that he CAN escape the consequences-he has thus far, for the most part. What I realized was that I am jealous; insanely, terribly, disgustingly jealous-because I do not have parents who help me out AT ALL. My mom is-well. She likes to be the hero and come in to save us kids when something goes wrong-but if she has to help in any financial way, there is a price. My mom is the last person in the world I would ask for help, because the cost is too high. And my dad-my dad's presence in my life is virtually non-existent (which is partly my fault, too, because I am not what one would consider a model child). So yes, I am horribly jealous, which is just making ME sick-it isn't changing any of their behaviors. So I see that the thing I need to work on AGAIN is accepting that my family is the way they are, and I can either make peace with it or die angry and bitter-which only hurts me. It isn't Steve or his family I am really angry toward, it is my own-and damn it, I thought I was pretty well past this, thought that I had for the most part come to terms with things and accepted them-but apparently there is still more work to be done.
So this year's work begins. Always relationship issues, always family issues, and it seems sometimes that the work is never done. I don't know that I will ever fully heal from my earlier life, and while I don't use it as an excuse for poor behavior, there is no doubt that it affects my life daily. Same with relationship issues; I have to work on resolving the baggage with Steve, take responsibility of my own shit and work on making positive changes for myself. This involves a lot of self-love and forgiveness, which is in short supply a lot of the time. What I do know is that I am too old to go through the same shit I have already been through-and if I don't want to do that, I have to change my belief systems and work on resolving some of this crap. Whether I ultimately end up with Steve or someone else entirely, I have to find a way to get over my belief that I am not deserving or worthy of love, and that men are not ALL entirely assholes.
Looks like I have a long road ahead, but not nearly so long a road as the one behind me. It will be a good year, of that I am confident.
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